To feel so despondent about friendships

[june888]

My son has just turned two and for the past year or so, I have spent a lot of time trying to make friends with other mums in the area - inviting them to bbqs, coffees, play dates, outings etc.

However, people often cancel on me at the last minute (usually due to illness, which I totally understand - but it happens so often!) and some mums will talk about other mums they’ve met who they say have become their best friends in the area.

I just wish I had a solid group of mum friends who didn’t cancel play dates all the time - and a mum who would regard me as one of her best friends. I feel so lonely a lot of the time and am worried I’m just not that likeable.

AIBU?

Hi Op feel your pain, I spent most of my time hanging out with people with no children. Although I have a child myself. Maybe it’s a city thing. It’s also easier to make friends with people at work than mums. One girl I know who seems to have lots of friends literally makes small talk with any mums. At least where you are there are mums around. Where I live it is wall to wall nannies, so I chat to them. I have lost count the number of times I have be asked if I am a nanny. The pandemic also made meeting people difficult, so don’t be too hard on yourself!

You’re not on your own though. You’re with your child. Find groups to go to and play with - with your child. Swim, with your ds. Get some inflatables. There’s tons of groups.

I found a cafe you can make pottery with kids and they glaze it for you, was lovely. Never saw that before I had kids.

When I had ds I was alone, my friends hadn’t had children still in their careers and sister at work and dh busy working. It feels like you are alone because this is the loneliest time. I can honestly tell you it gets better. You don’t need a friend to do any of this with.

I know you’re going through a tough time, but if you can do some stuff with your little one every day it does feel better. The friends will come. Probably just as you decide that you even enjoy it by yourself and just your ds.

Ps, BIG huggg @june888 it does get better and you’ll find the right people soon. Xx

2 is a tricky age for mum friendships- a lot of mums will have returned to work from mat leave, leaving them less time and you’re not yet at school age where you’ll see the same mums at the school gate/parties/swimming lessons etc. Also some of the mums may now have younger babies/be pregnant and too tired to socialise. For many parents, juggling the demands of family life, work and everything else leaves little time to develop meaningful friendships.

Do you work/go to playgroups/the park/library etc? I will chat to the dads and grandmas on the school run, the church warden who runs the church playgroup as well as work colleagues for example- it doesn’t just have to be mums with children of similar ages.

If your DC isn’t yet at nursery, then they will meet new playmates when they start at preschool. Your DC is really young, I don’t think you need to be concerned about play dates at this stage.

You could also try the Mush and Peanut apps to meet other mums.

@june888 perhaps you could look into counselling re your concerns re marriage and general feelings of despondency? It also would be good to have a chat with your GP - persistent low moods are absolutely something to talk to your doctor about and medication may really help.

I feel like you've potentially conflated two things - unhappiness with marriage/low mood and not having friends.

New friends may not want to immediately become sounding boards to discuss your relationship with etc. That's quite deep level friendship stuff.

Hi OP, a few ideas. Do you have a health visitor you can contact and be honest and say you're a bit lonely etc? Mine (12 years ago!) put me in touch with another mum and we are still friends all these years later (our daughters are best friends)! Honestly, talk to a HV or children's centre if you still have one.

Another suggestion is a post on a Facebook community page. Someone did this last week and got dozens of responses from people in similar positions.