Re: Husband and my Birthday

[BeefyWellington]

I am not sure if IABU, and fully prepared to be told I am! And I appreciate not a "big" issue and possibly a first world problem.

It was my birthday a couple of weeks ago. My husband did not get me a present. He had a shortish list of a few items I would have liked (not written specifically for him but for some relatives (on both sides of the family) who always like to buy physical presents and ask for a list to chose from). There are usually items left after relatives have picked (and I know there were this time) so he could have bought something off the list that he knew I would have liked... and without having to think too much.

After my birthday had passed he kept asking "what I would like" and I suggested going out for an evening meal at a restaurant we both like. Basically something we both would enjoy and a chance to spend some quality time together.

I had a day off work recently and in the afternoon my husband emerged from his office to say he had booked the afternoon off, and suggested we pop out for a quick lunch at a pub. Very nice but brief (we were there less than an hour as just had a main course). He paid.

Today I mentioned my birthday present. He looked shocked and said "but I took you out for lunch!"

AIBU to be a bit disappointed by this?

For context, for his last birthday I arranged for us to go to a fancy restaurant to have a tasting menu - which was around 7 courses. I arranged a baby sitter for our children. I paid the entire bill (not cheap!) and (more importantly than the price) we spent a lovely evening of child-free quality time together.
So as not to drip feed, I do frequently feel like I make more effort for my husband's birthday than he makes for me. I often go above and beyond for his present and also take time to do little things like sit down with the children and help them to make him cards, or bake for him.

But I am not sure if I am being ungrateful so would appreciate some Mumsnet clarity.

He is a good husband and dad. Works hard for us. Does housework, etc. So I may be blowing things out or proportion as it is only a birthday after all. I just feel a bit unappreciated right now.

Ask him. Ask him that an hour out for lunch is the bar now when his birthday comes round again with no gift. Just so you know where you're at for the future.

I don’t think you are being unreasonable I’d feel the same way if it was me, I do think he was being mean op.

Do less for him and use the money you spent on him on yourself.

I think him taking the afternoon off is worth more than a present to be honest. I bet you rushed home after one course for some afternoon delight. Better than any present quality time together

Yanbu! That’s shit. If he’s good in other ways it could be that he doesn’t fully get how important birthdays are for you. I’m like you in that, I don’t expect loads of presents or extravagance, but I want something! To feel like I’m appreciated and that my husband cares and wants to do something nice for me. My dh on the other hand genuinely doesn’t care about birthdays, getting gifts and celebrating. He appreciates the effort me and the kids go to for when it’s his birthday, but he doesn’t expect it and would be happy not to really do anything etc.

Have you explained how you feel to your husband? Hopefully if it’s spelled out to him, he will understand and be more thoughtful going forwards.

This sounds totally shit. However, did you get him a present as well as arranging the meal out for his birthday? If not, then I know the meals are far from equivalent, but maybe he sees it as you each took the other out for a meal on their birthday and neither of you bought an actual present?

I do think it’s weird to have separate finances when you’re married and this is an example of why. You’re a married couple, really each of your money is the family’s money. Taking your spouse out for a meal and paying for it isn’t really buying them something- it’s just both of you having a nice meal out. Also, you got just as much of a fancy meal when you bought your husband’s and he did when he bought your crappy pub lunch.

Yes, I would be pissed off in your shoes, but maybe he just did a much crapper version of what you did for his?

I wholeheartedly disagree.

He sounds lazy and thoughtless. Have you explained how this has made you feel?

I said you are being unreasonable as you should sound as much effort on his birthday as he does on yours!

Time is the most precious gift of all.

You’re a married couple, really each of your money is the family’s money. Taking your spouse out for a meal and paying for it isn’t really buying them something- it’s just both of you having a nice meal out.

This is how I see it. Nothing wrong with that of course, but not really a "gift".

As someone who basically ignores my own birthday and has never wanted a fuss of any kind about, I suspect your husband isn't going to change his ways. But since there's nothing wrong with you appreciating a bit more effort, then I think you're going to have to take the lead. Next year make it clear what you'd like, be it a nice dinner out or a specific gift. Don't leave it up to him or you risk being disappointed again.

I think some of us are just not 'birthday' people. If it's causing hurt feelings then tell him and lay out a plan going forward.

You didn't get him a gift.

Yes - except op says it was a quick, rushed lunch. So not exactly hours of his time!

If you wanted to be showered with specially chosen presents, a hand picked card saying exactly the right sentiments, and the perfect romantic evening planned where at that little exclusive restaurant you've always wanted to go to......then you should have married a woman.

Yes, I'd feel massively horny if my h didn't get me anything for my birthday then a week later he took me out for a pub lunch and we were home after one course. I'd feel really special.

🙄🙄🙄

... That's not a birthday present.

It wasn't his birthday 😶

You see birthdays in completely different ways. He’s not going to change and seems fine to receive the efforts you make without reciprocating so all you can do is choose to make less effort for him and feel less mugged off.

I would assume they mean that she didn’t get him a gift on birthday- she took him out for a meal as well. Only it was a nice meal!

Sorry - on HIS birthday!

This is so common.

Maybe there are just many men who don't know how to make somebody's birthday 🤷🏼‍♀️

He took the time off work and took you out to a meal. At the time did you say that you would have preferred a more fancy do? Maybe you need to be clearer.

I think you'd find a lot of women put more effort into birthdays and other occasions for their DHs than vice versa. It's just the female touch, we are more organised.

Your DH sounds like he needs you to be clearer. You said a meal, he took you for a meal, job done!! You didn't tell him to get you a present, so he didn't.....

Time is a very precious gift indeed and I want to see it put into my gift. I do not care if it is v cheap. I do not care if it is physically a gift or something experiential. If I see that thought was put in, that someone took that time. Effort to plan/set up or procure it etc. Time invested in me.

I don't think women are inherently more organised than men.

It's just that society has brought women up to believe that our worth comes from how much emotional labour we put in.

We are more organised because we have to be because otherwise it wouldn't get done.

Many men just don't prioritise gift buying and have been allowed to rely on mothers, sisters, wives and then daughters to sort things out for them. They pretend that they don't know what they're doing because it gets them off the hook for being a capable and functioning adult.

There are so many posts on her from women where men, when there's no one else to row them out, do the absolute minimum and then get arsey when she's not falling over herself with gratitude.