Re: Husband and my Birthday

[BeefyWellington]

I am not sure if IABU, and fully prepared to be told I am! And I appreciate not a "big" issue and possibly a first world problem.

It was my birthday a couple of weeks ago. My husband did not get me a present. He had a shortish list of a few items I would have liked (not written specifically for him but for some relatives (on both sides of the family) who always like to buy physical presents and ask for a list to chose from). There are usually items left after relatives have picked (and I know there were this time) so he could have bought something off the list that he knew I would have liked... and without having to think too much.

After my birthday had passed he kept asking "what I would like" and I suggested going out for an evening meal at a restaurant we both like. Basically something we both would enjoy and a chance to spend some quality time together.

I had a day off work recently and in the afternoon my husband emerged from his office to say he had booked the afternoon off, and suggested we pop out for a quick lunch at a pub. Very nice but brief (we were there less than an hour as just had a main course). He paid.

Today I mentioned my birthday present. He looked shocked and said "but I took you out for lunch!"

AIBU to be a bit disappointed by this?

For context, for his last birthday I arranged for us to go to a fancy restaurant to have a tasting menu - which was around 7 courses. I arranged a baby sitter for our children. I paid the entire bill (not cheap!) and (more importantly than the price) we spent a lovely evening of child-free quality time together.
So as not to drip feed, I do frequently feel like I make more effort for my husband's birthday than he makes for me. I often go above and beyond for his present and also take time to do little things like sit down with the children and help them to make him cards, or bake for him.

But I am not sure if I am being ungrateful so would appreciate some Mumsnet clarity.

He is a good husband and dad. Works hard for us. Does housework, etc. So I may be blowing things out or proportion as it is only a birthday after all. I just feel a bit unappreciated right now.

So many posts on here

Yes, he was a bit rubbish here. So what are you going to do to make sure things are different next year? So many of these issues come from people just not communicating their needs & wants then simmering with resentment and somehow expecting things to change next time.

Just be really clear with him - birthdays are important to me. Therefore, because I’m important to you, I would like you to make a bit more effort. That would look like…

If he still chooses to be rubbish after that, you’ve got bigger problems. But give him clear expectations to work with first.

Yes it's rubbish op, i how you told him that an hour at the local pub for a quick bite to eat isn't what you'd call a thoughtful gift. I'd do exactly the same for him next year

Bit sexist…

I’m a woman wouldn’t know how to do all this / wouldn’t care about this much / wouldn’t want it myself.

My husband gets me a lovely card an thoughtful gifts on my birthday: usually jewellery. The presents are always waiting for me when I get up. He arranges a delicious cake for my tea and Prosecco or other things I like. I do the same for him. I don't buy other poster saying 'well, he's a man' or 'women are more organised '. Men are well able to do nice things if they feel like it.

Some people place less importance on birthdays than others, next year I would scale down anything for his birthday and choose and buy yourself your own birthday gifts to make yourself happy.

You're absolutely right.

I think it's about understanding what's important to your partner. I'm not a 'birthday type person' but I know my dh is, he's not fussed about gifts but does like to do something 'special'. So he'd love a taster type thing and a quick lunch at the local wouldn't cut it. But just because it's not my cup of tea doesn't mean I don't do it, I do it because it's important to him, and I like to make him happy.

It's a bit like the lady who posted that her dh wants to take her camping for her birthday, but she hates camping and now he's in a strop. It's at worst selfish, at best unthoughtful

I think that the only way to deal with this is to tone down his birthday celebrations so you don't feel bitter about the effort (and expense) that you've gone to.

You could well be right, but I do think there's a not insignificant number of people (men!) who only "don't place importance" on other people's birthdays, and would be kost put out if they didn't get the usual level of attention on theirs!!

I agree that it's a common story on here (also for Father's Day and Mother's Day) but I don't think it's unreasonable to want at least an equal amount of effort to be put in unless there's extreme circumstances that year like health reasons.

This

”just so I know, is this what we’re doing for birthdays now?”

I agree.

Exactly. The penis card is not allowed to be played in our household. I want a fuss made for my birthday (and so does he!). And I'd be very honest if I felt he wasn't making an effort, especially as he expects an effort made on his birthday too.

Oh I quite agree - my point was lots of people (men) are "not bothered" about birthdays when it's them bothering for someone else. When it's their birthday, they are suddenly very much bothered by birthdays! It's total BS, luckily my DH is not a dick 🙂

Basically the level of effort is dependent on the recipient not the giver. If you're not "bothered" by birthdays make rhat clear for yours. If you're with someone who is bothered, you go to the effort for them!