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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it's cheeky as fuck to not acknowledge someone but then ask for their help?

33 replies

DontAsk11 · 08/05/2023 10:34

I've been married to DH for 4 years, together 6. I was not the OW he'd been separated from his ex for about 2 years when we met. They share 2 DC.

Husbands ex has never wanted to meet me which is fine, she barely acknowledges my existence and in the past when I've tried to be friendly by starting a conversation on the odd occasion we've been together she's essentially blanked me aside from the odd nod or 'yes/no'.

She clearly doesn't want to be friendly with me and that's absolutely her decision but what bothers me is that she is like this with me but she has absolutely no problem asking for favours via DH from me and I just think it's cheeky as fuck.

Basically if she asks DH to have DSC extra and he can't for whatever reason, her first response is 'can DontAsk not have them?'. This can be for a variety of reasons like her wanting to go out with friends or her partner.

AIBU to think you can't essentially blank someone for years but expect them to help you when you need it? Its absolutely fine that she doesn't want to talk or barely look at me but don't then ask for my help when you want it.

OP posts:
Original poster
DontAsk11 · 08/05/2023 10:36

Just to add this happens often, she is always wanting things from us and then asking DH to ask me if he can't.

OP posts:
tescocreditcard · 08/05/2023 10:37

Just tell your dh if she wants something from you she needs to ring you and ask you.

Soonthen · 08/05/2023 10:38

very CF. What does your DH say? Has he noticed the blanking? I’d be more mad at him for watching this happen and saying nothing.

Blacknosugarplease · 08/05/2023 10:38

First post nailed it.

TheFlis12345 · 08/05/2023 10:38

She’s rude. I would insist she calls you directly to ask when she wants your help, otherwise it is a flat no.

Original poster
DontAsk11 · 08/05/2023 10:40

Soonthen · 08/05/2023 10:38

very CF. What does your DH say? Has he noticed the blanking? I’d be more mad at him for watching this happen and saying nothing.

It's not that she will literally ignore me if I say something but she won't engage in conversation. For example if I say 'hi how are you?' she'll just say 'fine thanks'. And then it's really awkward, like she won't carry it on and ask how I am and lead to a conversation. It's very obvious she has no desire to speak to me. Which is fine whatever but don't then expect my help when it suits you 😂

She won't say hi for example if I'm there when she picks DSC up, she won't even look at me half the time.

OP posts:
Purplecatshopaholic · 08/05/2023 10:40

tescocreditcard · 08/05/2023 10:37

Just tell your dh if she wants something from you she needs to ring you and ask you.

Nail. On. Head

TomeTome · 08/05/2023 10:41

But you DO help her despite her rudeness so why would she change?

IncompleteSenten · 08/05/2023 10:42

I agree with Tesco. Your husband should tell her she needs to ask you directly.

BusyMum47 · 08/05/2023 10:42

I'd have to have it out with her. Tell her she needs to grow the fuck up & act like a normal decent human being with you & then of course you'll help to co-parent her children. Otherwise, no. If you're going to be in her kids' lives for the long term, she needs to get over herself.

Original poster
DontAsk11 · 08/05/2023 10:43

TomeTome · 08/05/2023 10:41

But you DO help her despite her rudeness so why would she change?

I often don't actually. Although DH thinks I'm being unreasonable to say no if I can help a lot of the time. I think he takes it as more of an afront that I won't see DSC just because his ex is a twat.

OP posts:
Willmafrockfit · 08/05/2023 10:43

but why should you have them?

Willmafrockfit · 08/05/2023 10:44

i dont spose she will change,
she feels awkward
why should you be friends
she is a muppet

mainsfed · 08/05/2023 10:47

DontAsk11 · 08/05/2023 10:43

I often don't actually. Although DH thinks I'm being unreasonable to say no if I can help a lot of the time. I think he takes it as more of an afront that I won't see DSC just because his ex is a twat.

Show quote history

He also sounds a bit of a twat then.

They are not your kids, why would you have them to do her a favour?

Astrak · 08/05/2023 10:47

Nasty, rude woman. If she wants you to do something that will make her life easier, she has to ask you directly. Otherwise you will be "far too busy".

Eleganz · 08/05/2023 10:49

Yes it is cheeky. She just wants to get out of her childcare responsibilities for whatever reason.

Personally I would recommend not being a substitute for your husband as regards you step-children. If he is not available to swap a day then you both are not available - it is a straightforward boundary that keeps things clear.

Me and DP both have decent co-parenting relationships with our exes, but part of that is acknowledging that, with the exception of emergencies, we are not stand-ins for each other as regards our stepchildren.

JMSA · 08/05/2023 10:50

It's like she's sees you as an extension of your husband - her ex - and not as a person in your own right.

Willmafrockfit · 08/05/2023 10:51

agree, you should not be his stand in.

ThinWomansBrain · 08/05/2023 10:53

I appreciate that you may not observe her with others often, but is she chatty & conversational with others?
Not saying she's not rude, she may just not be very good at small talk.

I understand the comments about asking you directly, but if she's having the conversation with DH & he's unable to do something, to end the conversation and call you would be odd.

Isittimeformynapyet · 08/05/2023 10:54

I think she should get over herself too. Very childish. Presumably her children witness her unfriendliness.

Do you like spending time with his kids?

Fantina · 08/05/2023 11:01

I want absolutely nothing to do with my ex’s new partner (for very good reasons though!) but I wouldn’t dream of asking her for a favour - quite the opposite. She can’t have it both ways.

Justalittlebitduckling · 08/05/2023 11:03

Tell DH that you don’t owe her anything when she’s never very pleasant to you so you don’t feel inclined to help her out.

Lovelydaytomorrow · 08/05/2023 11:10

Can you call her (or even text if she doesn't answer) any time she asks this, and just say, "DH mentioned that you would like me to have DC on Friday, I've got quite a lot on but wanted to ask about your definite plans and times and I'll help if I can".

That way, you're forcing her to engage with you and not go through your DP if she really wants it. But mainly it will make her recognise that it is YOU that is changing your plans and making yourself available for her and not your DP.

Firstmonthfree · 08/05/2023 11:20

I’d just stop doing it to be honest. I would t want to force her to be polite when she obviously doesn’t like you, what would be the point?

Allwelcone · 08/05/2023 12:01

ThinWomansBrain · 08/05/2023 10:53

I appreciate that you may not observe her with others often, but is she chatty & conversational with others?
Not saying she's not rude, she may just not be very good at small talk.

I understand the comments about asking you directly, but if she's having the conversation with DH & he's unable to do something, to end the conversation and call you would be odd.

Agree. You and dh are a team presumably so if its a no from him it's a no from you.
However if that is how your relationship works, I suppose it would be empowering to engage with her in a mature way, e.g "hi, just saying if you need to ask me for childcare please give me a ring as its a form of co-parenting, so might be good for the kids if we work together"?