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Original poster

OH and alcohol issues

28 replies

Lor22 · 07/05/2023 22:54

Hi,

I'd really like some advice. I have been with my partner for 10 years, we are not married but share two children. My partner has suffered with his mental health for the last few years. This is mainly due to grief and gambling issues.

Over the years my partner has gone out at weekends and got so drunk that he's being sick in his sleep. When he wakes (and I've cleaned everything) he doesn't remember anything. We argue about this and often we don't speak for days. He eventually apologises and we sort things out. In the back of my mind I am waiting for this to happen again. This has repeatedly spoilt our weekend plans as a family as he's then too hungover to do anything or I take the children out alone.

This has often resulted in his staying with his mum, or I take the children to my mums. Again, he manages to say the right things and we make up. He apologises and says it won't happen again.

Before Christmas it happened and he said he would stop drinking if it meant keeping us all together as a family. This hasn't happened. Two weeks ago I had to scoop sick out of his mouth he was so drunk. If I hadn't have done this, he would have choked on his sick in the night.

Recently, the same thing has happened when my two children were poorly. I text him asking to come home and help and he didn't. I couldn't cope with him being sick as well that night so I locked him out and said he needed to find elsewhere to stay.

The next morning he asked to come home and I said it wasn't what I wanted, I needed to concentrate on getting the kids better and I had a reply with a long message which basically said without us he had nothing and that he won't bother us anymore (a goodbye message).

I feel I had to let him back into our home to see the children and to diffuse the situation but now I feel totally stuck. I have repeatedly told him I don't want to stop him going out or having time with his friends I simply want him to drink less so I don't have to deal with the aftermath. I can't live this way and feel it's unfair on the children too...

If anyone else has been in a similar situation and has any advice I'd be really great full to hear it 😞

OP posts:
BloodyInternetWeirdos · 07/05/2023 23:08

He apologises and says it won’t happen again.
It does happen again because he cares more about drinking to excess than what it’s doing to you, your relationship and the DC.
When you say enough is enough he emotionally blackmails you into letting him back by hinting that he would disappear.
Honestly, he isn’t going to change.
His behaviour will have long term effects on the DC.
He is incapable of moderating his drinking.

Snugglemonkey · 07/05/2023 23:17

This is harsh, but sadly the truth. You need to kick him out if you want the behaviour to stop. You are asking someone out of control to self regulate. He is either unwilling, or unable. It does not matter which. Someone has to step in to protect the children from living in this atmosphere. That someone is not going to be him. That only leaves you. You need to put you and your children over this man.

TakingTheCake · 08/05/2023 07:43

This is really really shocking and honestly he is lucky to be alive at this point. Doesn't he realise that?

He needs to quit drinking for good. He is not taking responsibility for doing this, he is acting like you are a nag when in fact he is risking his own life every time he drinks.

You can't make him quit. All you can do is set a boundary for what you can live with. Imo a strong stance would be, if he doesn't get help for drinking and ever drinks again, he is out.

LakieLady · 08/05/2023 07:57

This would be a deal breaker for me, OP.

I've seen this pattern of behaviour around alcohol in others. It's like a switch goes in their head with the first drink and they never recognise when they need to stop.

I'd be telling him that the next time he gets in that state would be the last day of our relationship, and I'd mean it.

Gtsr443 · 08/05/2023 08:07

He's an alcoholic and he needs a wake up call.
This was my dad. My mum left him. It was either booze or the family. He quit drinking when he realised he was going to lose us.
By scooping puke out of his mouth and cleaning up after him you are enabling his alcoholism.

Don't normalise this as the "lads going out and having one too many."
Speak to AA about supporting him to quit.

I'm sorry you're going through this OP. Growing up with an alcoholic parent is horrific. You need to sort this now for your children as well as you. Good luck.

DustyLee123 · 08/05/2023 08:09

He’s blackmailing you, and he’s an alcoholic. Your kids will grow up thinking this is normal. Get rid.

Ponoka7 · 08/05/2023 08:13

You're enabling him. Both your behaviour is going to have an effect on your children, they don't have one parent who is on their side. If they start to speak about what's happening in school, at least be honest so they get support. You are forcing your children to live in a household in which has abuse and emotional harm going on. You're setting your children up for a lifetime of battling the effects of living with the pair of you, well done.

youtwoandme · 08/05/2023 08:15

This is absolutely disgusting. You have to scoop his vomit from his mouth and clean it up?!??

Nothing on this earth would make me do this unless it was my poorly child.

He's emotionally blackmailing you and you are enabling his drinking. He's has absolutely no respect for you or DC coming home in that state!!! What an animal!

Get him out OP. Don't lay in bed at night waiting for him to come home and vomit everywhere! It won't be long and the children will see/hear it.

Iminthemoneylife · 08/05/2023 08:16

He is an alcoholic. He needs to stop drinking but you can’t make that happen. You can’t control his behaviour but you can control yours and protect your children.

Reasonableadjustments · 08/05/2023 08:17

You didn't cause this.

You can't control this.

You can't cure him.

He's an alcoholic and you need to kick him out and not take him back.

I am so sorry op.

ZiggySdust · 08/05/2023 08:18

My DH used to be similar. He did stop drinking (his decision) and has been sober for over six years, so it is possible. But he has to want to stop. Does he?

bonnymiffy · 08/05/2023 08:28

In my experience (brother in law) he won't stop until he reaches rock bottom. Where that is depends on him, it could be losing his job, or his family, or becoming homeless. You are enabling him. You have to threaten "If you don't stop I will..." and then do it.
Stop clearing up after him. stop making excuses for him, and get out of there. Take your children away from this, they will grow up thinking his behaviour is normal which it isn't.
Al-Anon is a support group for people affected by someone else's drinking, you need to do something for you and your children.
Leaving is the kindest thing to do for everyone concerned.

GracePalmer33 · 08/05/2023 08:32

Jesus, I'm sorry. I am a recovering alcoholic in AA (I've been sober 5+ years!) and one thing I hear over and over in AA rooms is that people would have stepped over their own children for a drink, the addiction is that powerful. It's heartbreaking but until they reach their rock bottom and the desire to change comes from themselves, they will just keep making empty promises and ruining your life. I suggest you kick him out and do not take him back- alcoholism if left untreated just gets worse and worse. Soon you'll be scooping sick out of his mouth every night instead of just on weekends. If you take him back as he is, you enable him to not have to change.

GracePalmer33 · 08/05/2023 08:34

I pressed post too soon.

If you kick him out then it might push him towards his "rock bottom" sooner and he may realise he needs to change. Mention AA - it may plant a seed.

And if you need support and help to get through this, look up "Al Anon" - it's there to help family of alcoholics in dealing with their alcoholic and living their own lives.

gelatogina · 08/05/2023 08:35

You are enabling him. His current actions have no consequences, he apologies and you let him carry on.

you cannot control his behaviour as an alcoholic but you can control your reaction to it.

protect yourself and your children and leave him.

eztiger · 08/05/2023 08:36

I want to echo the other posters. I was in a very similar situation with the my exH. He is now four years sober. He told me himself that he had to hit rock bottom to recognize the problem and deal with it. This happened when I left him and he spiraled out of control. As long you stay, you are enabling his behavior and he will not change. As brutal as it sounds, you have to withdraw support. It’s a hard road, but we now have an excellent relationship (but remain divorced - there was no pathway back for us), our children are happy and he is sober.

Rainallnight · 08/05/2023 08:38

Congratulations on your sobriety @GracePalmer33 🙌🏻 That’s a huge achievement.

Ansjovis · 08/05/2023 08:40

Reasonableadjustments · 08/05/2023 08:17

You didn't cause this.

You can't control this.

You can't cure him.

He's an alcoholic and you need to kick him out and not take him back.

I am so sorry op.

This. I will also add:

If you believe that your husband's behaviour is not having an impact on your children, you are lying to yourself. You need to step up and safeguard them because if you don't, who will?

SparklyBlackKitten · 08/05/2023 08:41

You didnt cause this.
but You have enabled this
It needs to stop right now
Get him a meeting with aa.
Get counselling
And if it happens again. Do not. Clean. Up. And get his actions on video

SparklyBlackKitten · 08/05/2023 08:41

And set ultimatums. If not for you then for your kids. They will be scarred and scared by him

OldKingCole · 08/05/2023 08:47

You need to leave him, sorry OP not what you want to hear.
he needs to want to change.
I say this as somebody in recovery,

NeedToChangeName · 08/05/2023 08:52

Addiction usually stems from trauma, so I have some sympathy for him

And for you. Awful situation

And for your children, who are being deprived of normal family life

But, I agree with PP that he won't stop drinking unless he wants to. And even then, it would be v difficult, perhaps impossible. Current situation isn't working, and will probably continue, unless / until you take drastic action

Sapphire387 · 08/05/2023 08:54

My advice is to kick him out.

My DH had this situation with his late partner (DSD's mum). She drank herself to death when DSD was 4. His biggest regret is allowing DSD to remain exposed to her mum's behaviour during the early part of her life. With hindsight, he wishes he had asked her to leave.

This behaviour will affect your DC's, your partner isn't going to change as he's already broken so many promises.

theseriousmoonlight · 08/05/2023 08:58

Honestly my advice is to leave and take your children. My dad is an alcoholic. I'm still (at the age of 40+) massively affected by his alcoholism. Your children will be far better off without a drunk father. Please put them first - he can't.

pointythings · 08/05/2023 09:18

Echoing all the other posters who have told you that you are powerless to change him. Only he can do that and he will not do it until he's ready. And possibly not even then. All you're doing right now is allowing him to drink without negative consequences.

Life with someone who misuses alcohol for a parent is incredibly damaging to children. I'm not normally someone who advocates acting immediately, but if there are children involved it's different. I stayed with my alcoholic husband for far too long and my DC are now 22 and 20, and still working through the consequences. Tell him to get sober or get out. This ultimatum isn't for him, it's for you.

And seek help for yourself from Al-Anon or SMART Family and Friends so that you can work through your codependency and come out on the other side.

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