3rd kid - Finances - AIBU?

[Bubblesintheair88]

Many times I read in threads that the valid reason for not having a 3rd kid is finances.

Please don't get me wrong but I don't fully get it.

I mean uni fees is of course something to consider, nursery fees too. But if you space your kids 3-4 years apart then these issue is not an issue anymore? In my mind, if kids are spaced apart wisely then it doesn't make any difference if you have 1, 2, 3 or more kids in terms of nursery fees and uni fees, no?

Also, I read sometimes that hotel rooms are expensive. But people can rent airbnb etc. so this issue is not an issue anymore?

I also read that there are no family tickets for 5 usually. I get this point but 1. how often do you go to such places? and 2. is this a valid reason for not having one more child?

In terms of finances the only real one to me is to give a house deposit to each kid as this doesn't change no matter how wisely you space your kids apart.

Any thoughts on this?

YABU - You haven't thought it right
YANBU - You are right

What don't you understand about every single bill being a quarter more expensive because you are paying for five not four?

So going out for coffee, have to buy five snacks not four.

Swimming entry have to pay for five not four.

Flights for holidays, five not four.

Cinema tickets etc etc etc.

For two parents working the easiest way to think of it is that you have to pay for one child each. But with three there is an extra child to pay for.

I'm not sure how you're not grasping that paying for a whole extra person isn't financially viable for some.

Clothes, school trips, clubs, birthdays, Christmas, food, extra room, bigger car, haircuts.... it all adds up.

Not everyone can space them out 5 years or wants to. I have 2 in childcare and one at school and the costs are astronomical.
plus as others have explained. We have just moved from two pizzas to 3 to feed a family etc etc. they do all eat you know, they all need bikes, train passes when they are older…

Imagine you have to scrimp and save to pay nursery fees, uni fees whatever.
1 child is doing that for 3 (ish) years either end of their "childhood".
2 'spaced out' is doing that, for 6 years
3 is doing that for almost a decade. Each way. So for 18 years (no other financial issues considered) you're lumbered with huge bills for childcare/uni. Impact of earning potential that unfortunately does Still impact working parents with young children.
Potentially eating into retirement funds, reduced opportunities to travel in later life etc.
Plus the Assumption that everyone could just space out their kids by 3/4 years is assuming they started young enough to do. I had my first at 35
If I had a 3rd it would be at the age of 41. Making me nearly 60 when they possibly went to Uni. No thanks 🤣

I have 3 DC and didn’t notice that things cost more than if I had 2 DC because I didn’t have 2 DC so what would be the point of looking at what a holiday etc for a smaller family would cost. We used to get one DC child free and then book two rooms as I’d have hated to all share one room.
Having said this OP I do think you are looking at it strangely, as the nursery and uni fees go on longer if you have more DC so instead of for example being able to save you are still paying out.

Child care doesn’t end after nursery. When they go to school, it’s one extra child to pay for before and after school care.

Clothes, food, days out, holidays, school uniform, shoes, swimming lessons clubs etc etc. All extra costs.

What PPs said. It all adds up. After having my third my hormones were all over the place and I was desperate to have another one. So glad I didn't have any more. Don't get me wrong I love them all dearly and wouldn't have it any other way but my goodness they are expensive.

Op you're going to have to explain how "spacing out" nursery fees means you.... don't have to pay them? What?!

When you pay for something like nursery fees the money is gone. You don't get it back to re-use later.

Eh?! What you’re saying makes no sense at all. It doesn’t matter what the gap is, you’re still having to provide for a whole new person - clothes, shoes, food etc etc. And you might think “oh they’ll have hand me downs / charity shop clothes” and they might when they’re little but it’s not as easy when they’re 10/11 plus and peer pressure sets in. Kids are expensive.

As kindly as possible, you haven't thought about this right.
If you are considering a 3rd child I would not recommend it.

I have 3 dc.

nothing, and I mean nothing, is set up for families of 5.

from a packet of cakes (or anything, really) only coming in 2 or 4, to extra costs on days out (and, since you ask, we got out a lot - not my original plan for parenting, but my eldest has severe ASD and staying in all day is not an option - we NEED to go out every day, and when that is what we have to do, we also need a variety of places to go (to stop the younger two being bored out of their heads!))

as pp said, everything is more expensive. I live in a bigger house, meaning bigger bills, needed a bigger car when all 3 were in car seats (I need a big car still as 2 dc play cello 😂), have a whole extra person to feed and clothe (as well as extras like birthday/Christmas, presents for extra child’s friends etc)

I wouldn’t have it any other way, but of course it is more expensive to have an extra child

if you want more children, have them.

Why so concerned about how many children others choose to have/not have?

Erm… day to day living costs… food, an extra bedroom (if you want / they need them to have their own room), extra curricular activities, extra at birthday and Christmas, new shoes, school uniform, etc etc … I have more than three dc but they don’t come cheap!

An extra bedroom in the house if you don’t want them to share. Before school, after school and holiday childcare x 3 for any primary aged (or even early secondary). I had my first at 32 so waiting till sxhool
age to have each would have meant dc2 at 36, dc3 at 40. I did have dc2 at 41 for various reasons but would not have planned it like that.

an extra child to house, clothe, generally pay for, uni fees, childcare etc etc would also reduce the amount you’d put into pensions/ savings etc for the future over the years. I’m glad I decided not to go for dc3 as dc1 is 11 and had a super expensive year (which I fear will only get worse at secondary 😱).

Obviously another child is going to add a huge additional cost, that most just can't comfortably afford. I have 2 dc, and am aware that if we just had one, life would be cheaper. But we wanted two, and can quote comfortably afford the two we have. We would have both loved a third, but know that money would just be too tight to give our existing two the life they have now, so we won't have another. We like holidays, and usually go away a few times a year. With another child, I think we'd probably only be able to go once a year if we were lucky, as the extra person would mean booking two rooms instead of one, which would instantly make a huge difference to the overall cost. The kids both do lots of clubs after school, and this is just about manageable paying for two, with three, they'd have to cut back on what they do, as we just wouldn't be able to afford for them to all do multiple clubs. It's quite simple... Another person is another huge expense, and one alot of people cannot stretch to afford and maintain a comfortable lifestyle, so it's just not worth it.

There's a bigger jump in costs, eg from 1-2 costs for the most part things are either proportional eg the fees for an extra child at nursery is double or not as much as the first eg family tickets for 4 are often the cost of 2 adults and 1 child. Renting a hotel room, caravan etc won't change.

For a third child you will probably need a bigger car, a second hotel room (interconnected doors) or a 3 bed apartment/caravan rather than 2, plus tge things that are the same for each extra child. It's the hidden costs of a third child people are talking about, with the 3 car seats in a row the biggest issue for many.

My thoughts though were purely practical rather than financial, it's so easy to book a family hotel room for 4, we had mid sized cars, we lived in a two bed house for years...

holidaying with three children is extortionate!!! Actual extortion!

often double the cost of a family of four for the same holiday!

I kind of get yo ure nursery fees etcm
If you pay 1k a kid, and you only pay for 1 kid at a time, you're only paying 1k.

But in total you're paying 9k instead of 6k. That's still money you're paying.

With Uni of you have them three years apart, there's longer degrees and gap years etc so might mess up your logic.

But ultimately, as a mother of a single then twins, I can confirm that the third kid does indeed cost money.

I had an unplanned 3rd child and it has been a massive financial burden. Can’t really afford to buy clothes for all 3 now so they’ve all gone from having new clothes to second hand. I can never afford to take them for days out, the cost of one extra ticket or meal makes it impossible! Nowadays if we go out for a meal I just buy for the kids and get myself a cup of coffee. Christmas and having 3 birthdays to save and a pay for over the year use up a lot of my small disposable income. On top of all that I’m paying nursery fees again when I would have been clear of that had I only had 2kids.
I know it will be worth it in the end but really having no,3 has lowered the other dc quality of life significantly.

🤣 don’t be silly!
Let’s say nursery fees are £1000 a month.
I think you haven’t realised that people aren’t just paying that out of easy disposable income, and therefore can just keep going.
Often they’re paying it instead of pension payments, instead of saving, instead of repairs that will become essential, instead of upgrading a car that won’t last forever… let alone non essentials like instead of a holiday (not a foreign jaunt, a basic local holiday).

We went on a family hol w our 3, and almost everyone else was a couple. Our hol cost nearly 3 times theirs (single supplement for child in room on own; zero option for any other arrangement).

Really brought the cost of kids home to me!

Hate to over simplify but...

YABU

It would ruin us financially to have a third.

• Grandparents do a lot of helping, but wouldn't want to be outnumbered by kids, so couldn't look after 3. That would be a good £1.5k plus on nursery fees a month on top of existing wrap around school childcare.
• We don't have a car that could fit three kids, so need a bigger car. £10-15k.
• We live in a 3 bedroom, but one is a box room used to work from home and the existing same sex kids already share. We would be very cramped and lose the study. Moving to a 4 bed would be at least £200k more.
• We don't have any clothes or school uniform for if the baby was not the same sex as existing kids.
• Days out, hotels etc are all set up for families of four. Can't sit together on planes, trains etc.

The impact would be huge!

Average age of first time mothers in the UK is 31. With the age gaps you are suggesting, child 2 would be at 34-35 and child 3 at 37-38. Child 3 hits costly things such as University/weddings/property when parents are approaching late 50s/ 60s. Parents may not have even paid off their own mortgage at this point. They may be wondering if they can physically carry on working at the intensity needed to pay for everything. Sure, you don’t have to help your adult kids with finances. But if you want to, with every additional kid you have and every additional year you have them at, you are probably tying yourself into work for longer and longer and having less available for yourself in retirement. That’s a more long term financial aspect I suppose.

You are overlooking the career implications too.

My partner became a SAHD when I got back after maternity leave, so we lived on one wage for two years until she got her funded nursery hours at 3. Then, he went part time. He was just about to return full-time when she started school and then we decided to have #2, so we decided both to be part-time, which completely used all our savings. I’m going back full-time when the baby turns 18 months and my partner will probably stay part-time til the baby gets his funded nursery hours.

So even if you do space your kids out, it can still be costly. We have probably lost a few hundred thousand per kid, through lost earnings. Ouch.