3rd kid - Finances - AIBU?

[Bubblesintheair88]

Many times I read in threads that the valid reason for not having a 3rd kid is finances.

Please don't get me wrong but I don't fully get it.

I mean uni fees is of course something to consider, nursery fees too. But if you space your kids 3-4 years apart then these issue is not an issue anymore? In my mind, if kids are spaced apart wisely then it doesn't make any difference if you have 1, 2, 3 or more kids in terms of nursery fees and uni fees, no?

Also, I read sometimes that hotel rooms are expensive. But people can rent airbnb etc. so this issue is not an issue anymore?

I also read that there are no family tickets for 5 usually. I get this point but 1. how often do you go to such places? and 2. is this a valid reason for not having one more child?

In terms of finances the only real one to me is to give a house deposit to each kid as this doesn't change no matter how wisely you space your kids apart.

Any thoughts on this?

YABU - You haven't thought it right
YANBU - You are right

One of the first things people say on threads where people are stuck in overcrowded homes is 'why didn't you think of this before you had so many DC?'. Funnily enough they don't reply 'where there is a will, there is a way', but that may have been their thinking before reality kicked in.

I think have a third if you like but obviously it will be 1 child x 3 in terms of expense. We're having our second (last). Our older child needs nice clothes and shoes (won't wear 2nd hand because she doesn't want to be embarrassed in front of friends), 3 x hobbies she does per week which includes expensive sports gear, holiday clubs in the summer, wraparound care, birthday party, gifts, savings and on and on... There's obviously a lot more that I can't even think of. When she goes to secondary, there will be phones, devices etc... We're bracing ourselves to do all this again and double our costs for number 2! That's not even mentioning the hit of nursery or only one wage if you stay at home. Three lots of that might be doable for you but definitely not for me! To put it into perspective, my brother earns around 150000 a year. His wife maybe 30. Because they're raising four children, they still have months where they're tight, just because the outgoings are so high.

Also, what is overcrowded? Some people think kids need their own rooms (mine always had their own) but my friend shared with her sister well into her late teens to early 20s. I know others who had three kids to larger bedrooms. They were never overcrowded.

If you want a 3rd just go for it, no need to argue black is white.

as they say where there is a will there is a way.

no need to dismiss others decisions to not have a 3rd due to financial implications because there are financial implications.

You could plan to have children 3 or 4 years apart but imagine having a new born, a 4 year old and a 7/8 year old at the same time. The older kids don't want to have a toddler annoying them when their friends are in their house. The children are at different stages and it hard to do things that suit them all

So you shouldn't have more than 2 child because the first born might not like having another child in THEIR home when their friends are over? Or you have to have them back to back so they never know any different?

We must be shot parents. We necessarily ended up with a 4.5 age gap between singleton and twins. First born was poorly, took a while for more kids to even be an option, then took us time to conceive. Then the egg split.

Poor first born now has TWO other kids in his home.

And we manage to do plenty with them because they're not entitled brats who think the whole universe revolves around them. Sometimes they can't do what the others are doing, but thankfully they have two parents (obv harder for single parents), sometimes they just have to compromise and sometimes they're all really happy with what we're doing

I agree with this completely - I always say to my 3 “you’re 1 person in a team of 5 so sometimes you get to go what you most want to do & sometimes you compromise & do what someone else wants to do”. They all take turns being dragged along to each others activities but often they’ll enjoy it & it for example it’s a sporting thing they’ll be cheering their sibling on. & other times we divide & conquer & 1 parent takes 1 kid & the other will have the other 2.

OP - I think if you know you want to go for 3 & you’re looking for practical insights & advice on how to make that work, financially & otherwise you might be better posting somewhere other than AIBU.

This is overcrowded - https://england.shelter.org.uk/housing_advice/repairs/check_if_your_home_is_overcrowded_by_law

Who knew baby goats could be so expensive…..

Now children on the other hand…..

Some of the more expensive adaptations need to be made when the third is a surprise and there is a scramble to accommodate bedrooms and cars to fit.

If you know you potentially want three from the outset you can make decisions when you are younger to aid your future self, whether that is amassing a decent nest egg, choosing an occupation that affords flexibility/ working from home opportunities, steeping away from the smaller home in the more desirable area for a larger home elsewhere - even though it will seem overkill for your current set up.

Things like this will go some way to absorbing a degree of financial stress. Some of the stuff mentioned - paying for uni tuition fees - is unnecessary and a good example of how some people will over-egg the pudding to make a case for fewer children.

But there's no getting away from the fact it is more expensive and pretending otherwise is a farce. And paying for a family ticket +1 is the least of it.

It is objectively true that having three children is more expensive than two or one.

But it is equally true that everyone can make life choices about what they spend their money on.

You can choose to spend your disposable income on designer handbags or children.

It entirely your choices.

However, you can't pretend that more children are not more expensive than less children.

The same as a designer handbag is more expensive than a high street one. It's a fact.

We would love multiple children if money was no object but I am scared senseless of not being able to provide for them when they get to adulthood. Without the support my parents gave and give to me, I wouldn’t be where I am today or anywhere close. House deposit help, uni, driving lessons, weddings… who can honestly afford to do that x3? You could say that even if you’re rich it would surely be a far more sensible investment into two. We might stick at one though leaning more towards having two so they’ve got each other as they grow up. There will probably be a 3-4 year age gap if we have our way, so we can focus on each during their early years but they’re not too far apart that they can’t relate to one another.

You're forgetting that kids cost loads more once teenagers. One pair of school shoes can cost £60. They need adult meals, food, clothes etc.

I'll break it down:

• Bigger car if you can't fit 3 car seats and once teenagers
• Bigger house when teenagers as you need 4 bedrooms if they don't get on or 3rd has special needs
• Bigger house means more on utilities etc.
• 5 x cost for food, days out, eating out etc - don't forget they're the cost of a full adult once teenagers
• extra clothes, presents etc.
• more on holidays as you will need 3 rooms
• ££ extra if they do any clubs/ hobbies

This! I feel like young children are so cheap but you’ve got to think beyond that and think they’ll be a teen and young adult a lot longer than they’ll be under 5, etc. People think in terms of how many babies they want not how many adults they want it seems

People think in terms of how many babies they want not how many adults they want it seems

I agree. They never seem to think beyond the toddler or primary school years. Just about all homework at secondary school is set online and teenagers need a laptop each, not one between them.

Lol at babies being 5 years apart being “big gaps” - it’s hardly comment worthy. I’ve got 7 years between mine, we aimed for 5.
I love a big gap, both my children got my undivided attention during the baby years (eldest was at school by the time youngest was born)

I really don’t feel I have spent excessive amounts of years in the throes of child rearing; because I’ve only had one needy kid at a time - by the time the baby was born, the big one was able to do lots independently. I found it much easier than having, for example, a two year old and a baby.

Who is 'they', all families who extend their families beyond two children? Do you think that people are perfectly sensible having two children and then go baby crazy on the third, or do you imagine these people are so distinct from the type of people that you are, that they are baby crazy from the outset?

And how did you arrive at this conclusion, from people that you know or from watching cheap TV documentaries of fame hungry mega-families?

But if you space your kids 3-4 years apart then these issue is not an issue anymore?

It’s basic maths. Ok, do you have 3 but spread them out…

If you pay £1500 a month for childcare for child 2 who then leaves nursery and starts school, your child 3 will then start nursery so instead of getting to keep £1500 extra each month, you will have to keep paying it PLUS pay for wraparound care for the older two! For years!

Every meal you buy, you need to buy enough for another person. You need to do this for every day out-one more cinema ticket, one more ticket for soft play, one more bedroom for every holiday, one more passport/flight for holidays abroad, one more person to clothe.

I’m not saying don’t have more than two (we do!), but there’s no way of stopping it being expensive!

It was the end of august with multiple lots of school uniform and NEW SHOES that used to make my eyes (and bank balance!) water!!

"If there is a will there is a way " you say... haha.
Soundslike a solid financial plan op.

Good luck

She had several children @CherLloydbyCherLloyd.

Absolutely. It’s not just a small person. Technology like laptops like you mention. Uni. Wedding. Driving. House deposit. New clothes. Emotional support. The world isn’t getting any cheaper!

Clothes, shoes, school trips, pocket money, days out, food. Everything is loads more expensive with an extra child.

On paper we could afford three (or more), however more than the financial cost the biggest impact is time- now we have two at school, the time needed to dedicate to helping with homework and take to various activities in the evenings is immense, not to mention giving them adequate emotional support/121 time and generally spend time with them. It’s much more than when both were younger, and splitting myself in 2 is hard enough.
Financially, we both work FT however I have doubled my income come my first was born, which wouldn’t have been possible with more children and completely changes how we can support them (and ourselves) in the future. Nursery fees were a lot, but at least they were a fixed outgoing, and a small amount of wraparound care, school dinners, various extracurricular costs, summer camps and the jump in price of clothes as they age etc basically offsets any nursery money we thought we were ‘getting back’ and these costs are more variable.

Lol…I had an English teacher when I was 12 who kept saying kids are baby goats when any one used the term for children.

I don’t say kids now because of him 😀

If you had 3 kids as you said 3/4 years apart even if you could manage nursery fees then you'd still be essentially catering for 3 sets of different needs constantly. A 3yo, a 7yo and a 10yo still need a lot of your time and support in very different ways. Nursery fees are extortionate if you're going to need more than just the free hours; wrap around care is what I mean. And if you intend to work then how do you manage with the 7yo and 10 yo wraparound. If you don't intend to work then are you independently rich or dependant on your spouse?

People claiming they shared with their siblings into the teens as such a huge house isn't a necessity, yes it's not but again, you can't know the type of child you'll have, nor whether they'll be able to share with their siblings - all other needs being equal.

I am not sure how you can't see that a 3rd is more expensive. A whole 3rd human also requires their own uniform, shoes, activities, birthdays, educational pursuits etc etc.

One child is expensive so 1x3 is of course going to be incredibly expensive.

For me it’s because I don’t want to have to do a spreadsheet or budget for an extra kid. We can comfortably afford the one we have and the one we’re about to have, we don’t have to budget or make decisions about days out because of money. We have enough to be able to save towards two house deposits, savings for ourselves and a big enough house for us all. Throw in a third and we would have to start cutting back and budgeting. They wouldn’t get the experiences and advantages they will do now. So I would say we can’t afford a third DC whilst keeping our standard of living the same and I choose to prioritise my two DC rather than adding a third.