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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ditch friends that are constantly moaning and negative?

36 replies

Supernova23 · 07/05/2023 20:07

I have one particular friend where nothing is ever good enough, who moans about EVERYTHING, and is generally just a misery. I try and support her but it’s taking its toll on me too and I find being around her increasingly challenging on my own mental health. I just text her about her housing situation (she’s looking to sell up), with a helpful suggestion, only to be met with another moaning passive aggressive text. I really can’t do it any more. AIBU to phase out contact with her?

OP posts:
iwantawisteriathisyear · 07/05/2023 20:12

I have a friend like this. I've known her for years, but since she's retired it's just constant moaning. Literally the first thing she says when you meet her for a catch up is ' I've had an awful week, I really need this'.
It's so draining and boring. All the things she moans about are choices her and her husband have made in life.
I am trying to distance myself from her but it's difficult as I live in a small village and our paths frequently cross. I know she's picked up that something has changed, but I don't want to actually fall out with her, just see less of her. Actually, I want to tell her to stop bloody moaning.

Rabblemum · 07/05/2023 20:13

Oh, I have been there!

You have the right to end a friendship for any reason.

If your friend can't albe bothered to acknowledge a kind act she's stuck in negativity, don't get trapped with her.

Friendship can mean chatting about negative things and a helping hand, but when a friend is too negative you can't help them.

DrManhattan · 07/05/2023 20:15

Move on. It's trauma dumping. You come away feeling like total rubbish and she will be fine as she's got if all off her chest. You have to look after yourself sometimes

Original poster
Supernova23 · 07/05/2023 20:15

iwantawisteriathisyear · 07/05/2023 20:12

I have a friend like this. I've known her for years, but since she's retired it's just constant moaning. Literally the first thing she says when you meet her for a catch up is ' I've had an awful week, I really need this'.
It's so draining and boring. All the things she moans about are choices her and her husband have made in life.
I am trying to distance myself from her but it's difficult as I live in a small village and our paths frequently cross. I know she's picked up that something has changed, but I don't want to actually fall out with her, just see less of her. Actually, I want to tell her to stop bloody moaning.

Yep mine is exactly the same. Moans about how exhausted she is (works part time), how nothing ever goes right for her, how she is so hard done by despite living quite an affluent lifestyle. I’m so exhausted by it.

OP posts:
Zuve · 07/05/2023 20:19

Sounds like Harry

Thingsthatgo · 07/05/2023 20:21

YANBU I choose to hang out with radiators and not drains! Always happy to help my radiator friends when life gets tough, but I am not going to spend my time with people that suck the joy out of everything.

N0tfinished · 07/05/2023 20:21

I have this but it's my MIL. I literally only have minutes from entering her house before she starts. Endless picking over old imagined slights and bitching about people that frankly did nothing to her. She's living alone & I know she's lonely but Jesus it's so hard to visit her. I have no solutions, it seems so ingrained that she can barely help herself. Every now and again if she's particularly vicious I'll tell her flat out that she's crossed the line, but it has minimal effect. I limit my visits, i often take her along when I'm doing groceries because she gets out but we shop independently so she can't really build up a head of steam IYKWIM.

Conkersinautumn · 07/05/2023 20:22

Sure, doesn't she know friends aren't there to air your problems to?

Inthebathagain · 07/05/2023 20:22

Absolutely ditch her.

Meeting · 07/05/2023 20:24

Also my MIL and it drives me insane. Nothing is ever any good and it's just constant bitching and moaning.

Nimbostratus100 · 07/05/2023 20:27

YANBU to want less contact, but YABU to text "helpful suggestions" which is very annoying if someone is feeling down

mischlerischler · 07/05/2023 20:30

I had a friend like that. It was exhausting and non stop.

I would step back and limit how much time you spend with her.

Original poster
Supernova23 · 07/05/2023 20:30

Nimbostratus100 · 07/05/2023 20:27

YANBU to want less contact, but YABU to text "helpful suggestions" which is very annoying if someone is feeling down

I get that but “feeling down” is a default suggestion for her. Literally she’s been “down”
since the moment I met her 10 years ago. If you don’t agree with her you get the silent treatment and/or told how selfish you are.

OP posts:
Original poster
Supernova23 · 07/05/2023 20:31

Default situation I mean. She’s always “down”.

OP posts:
Mittens1717 · 07/05/2023 20:34

I had a friend like this, we used to go for a long walk weekly and she'd always ask me how my week had been and let me talk for 10 minutes and then basically it was her moaning on for the next hour and a half, she'd even talk over me if I interrupted! She could be gossipy too and quite nasty about people, so in the end I just phased her out, I still run into her the odd time but it's just general chit chat for a few minutes and then I make my excuses and go, some people would just suck the joy out of you and life really is too short

JamSandle · 07/05/2023 20:39

I have a friend like this. But she seriously makes her own problems. She'll dominate every conversation with problems I think she has no intention of solving. I've known her since school so found it hard to let her go. But I always come away from her feeling dreadful.

CleverLilViper · 07/05/2023 20:51

Conkersinautumn · 07/05/2023 20:22

Sure, doesn't she know friends aren't there to air your problems to?

There’s a difference between airing your problems to friends and always moaning and being negative.

People who perpetually moan and are negative just bring everyone else down. I’m not talking about someone going through a hard time and needing to talk to someone but someone who doesn’t seem to be happy unless they’re moaning about something.

EmpressSoleil · 07/05/2023 21:00

I cut all people like this out of my life. I’ve suffered with depression and other MH issues and I’ve realised I have to prioritise my own mental well being. A one off problem, fine. I’m happy to listen. But I’m not a therapist.

I have worked extremely hard to develop a positive mindset, even though my life is not perfect. But if someone moans on about say their lack of a partner or money worries. I end up thinking about my own lack of a partner and money worries! When otherwise I can usually forget about those things and be happy.

lunaloveroo · 07/05/2023 21:08

Step back. The older I've got the more I keep negative people at arms length.

Sloth66 · 07/05/2023 21:43

Look, everyone needs a chance to have a moan or a vent now and again. But these types, who do nothing else, are a different matter. As I’ve got older, my tolerance has gone right down. Life is too short to act as an unpaid unwilling therapist.

KarmaStar · 07/05/2023 22:13

Yanbu.🌈her negativity will be affecting your own energies.step away.but if she needs support suggest the route she could try for help

BanditsOnTheHorizon · 08/05/2023 08:32

I have a friend like this and ended up distancing myself from her. It just sucks the energy out of you and the fun from every situation. It's like she can't discuss or have a conversation with anyone without complaining or seeing the positive. The latest moan was when the school busses were cancelled, apparently it was appalling and disgusting that her DD had to walk back from the bus stop, because the school didn't tell her before her DD walked to the stop (it's a 4 minute walk and her DD is an able bodied teen). No mention of a day off school, just outrage because her DD has to do another 4 minute walk

I see her now maybe one every 6 months and might have a text convo a few times a month but that's it.

Endlesssummer2022 · 08/05/2023 08:39

YANBU. I’ve gone ultra low contact with a former BFF I’ve known since childhood. The constant moaning is draining. As soon as you see her face you know the first thing she’ll do is complain about is her DP or her work. It’s good to be able to offload from time to time but it’s like she’s addicted to negativity.

The worst thing about it though is that she envy’s people who appear to be happier than her including myself so I get digs such as ‘you going on holiday again?!’ Or ‘you had more opportunities to have successful career than me’. I definitely didn’t.

Pineapplestropical · 08/05/2023 08:40

Just gradually withdraw. I seem to be a magnet for negative people, maybe as i like to listen and help. But every time I see them and ask them how they are, the moaning starts and continues for 45 minutes to an hour with a half hearted how ru at the end. So I've gradually drifted from them as i couldn't cope with the constant negativity. I have fewer friends that are positive but at least im not wasting my time with negativity.

Chocolateismylovelife · 08/05/2023 08:42

For those of you who have ended or cut down friendships such as these, how did you do it? Was there a conversation about their negativity or did you just cut contact cold turkey??