No one likes me

[Mum1135]

I just feel today that no one really likes me. I don’t know why because I think I’m friendly, caring and a decent person. I can be a little quiet and do lack confidence due to an abusive and traumatic childhood but I’m an adult now so should feel like this!

what made me come on here and post is that I saw my neighbours today (I moved in 3 months ago, a large cul-de-sac) I e been really friendly and introduced myself (no one introduced themselves so I felt I should). I find them cold and distant but obviously with each other they’re fine.

im still every time saying “good morning” to them. I feel really lonely. I don’t feel I have friends in my life in general just lots of acquaintances. I work as a temp so not in a place long enough to make friends.

HI OP. No one likes me either. I think I missed the window in childhood to learn how to make friends - we had moved 5 times by the end of my education. No siblings in the house with me as a child.
And I am weird. People have told me so, throughout.
I just try not to think about it, but it’s hard, as we live in a society that advertises and idealises these things 24/7 on social media. I have learned to delete the apps as they exacerbate the situation.
I suppose the worst part is not having anyone to tell (unless you pay them).
Perhaps that would work for you, talking to a professional.

@Mum1135, your little story about the old neighbours and the builders shows what kind of people they are! Entitled, inconsiderate whingers, who would probably not feel comfortable around a sane, balanced person that doesn't join in the "ain't it awful" game. No great loss there

I agree that people are most open to new friendships when they need new people in their lives or at least have space for some. I've been living in a small rural town for 14 loooong years, and still have no actual friends locally. I've always made friends really quickly before this - I realise I was living in cities, where the population's in constant flux so there's always somebody moving on and someone else moving in. Here, most people still live near their birth family and all the people they went to school with.

It really helps to be doing something that is a defined activity. Parenting's one, walking a dog another, a lot of us make friends at work. There are also gardeners bonding over cuttings, walking groups, clubs & societies of various sorts, classes and community activities. In a previous home, I joined a group cleaning up the river. I didn't make any lasting friends but it opened my eyes to the many different things that people do.

Since you have a little one, that's an obvious place to start as others have said. You can wear the other mums down with your continued presence I mentioned the other ideas because it's no bad idea to have a few irons in the fire! Good luck.

I’ve only read the initial post not the comments. But I think it takes time to build friendships as an adult……

I think give it time. We’ve lived in our house for 7 years and will say hi to both immediate neighbours in passing and a few others. One of my neighbours is very very quiet and he said his first whole sentence to me yesterday! Last 2-3 years (lockdown kicked it off) mine and neighbours children have started chatting over the fence in gardens. They’ve literally just this last couple of weeks popping to theirs and ours for play dates. So yeah 7 years in and it seems we have friends of nameigbnours !

before this house we lived next to a couple who we had mutual aqcuatancee with and they were like almost best friends for a while. When I look back it was suffocating. Me and hubby had an argument and they text me asking if I was ok 😂

anyway I can only speak for myself but get bouts of feeling lonely and like no one bothers,.

ps the adult friends I have made are through playing sport, working and having chikdren. Is there any hobby you could do to meet people with at least one similar interest?

I think just carry on being you, friendly etc and the neighbours will warm to you eventually. It needs ice breakers really doesn’t it? X

I'm sure you're lovely op. I find the UK generally cold and lonely, I'm totally fed up of trying. I think there's a lot of it about.

@Jusmakingit how you feeling now? Please PM anytime you want x

@MondayYogurt what makes you think you are weird? Can you give examples? You’re probably really fun to be around not weird!

Thank you everyone for the thoughtful and sweet posts. I’m sorry I haven’t named and responded to each one if you but I have read and re-read every post multiple times now and it’s really lovely.

im actually joining a book club next week! I will post about it here IF I do go. Is this a weird thing for me to do? Not ever been to one and only one I can fit around the kids activities plus only weekend one I could find. Running clubs around here are weekday evening and I have no childcare then.

I think a book club sounds great, I would love to go to one! Not weird at all.

Great idea! I hope you'll let us know how it goes.

Making friends as an adult is very tough.

It's not you. One thing I do, which I know I shouldn't, is think about my own feelings before others. For example in your situation, thinking about how their actions must mean they don't like you, when I'm reality they're probably either shy, slow burners, or thinking you may move on quickly so not bothering yet.

The friendships your neighbours have may have taken decades to build. Or they might have other connections you're not aware of.

I get how you feel, you're not alone, but I assure you, it's nothing personal.

You hit the nail on the head when you used the words 'I feel' when describing the situation. Feelings are not reliable, and in this situation are making you come up with ideas about what may be going on that we dont know for sure are true. It can take years to make friends with people, and as others have said here, your best bet is to find something you feel really passionate about and stick to it. The thing about adult friendships is that they are tricky - it is not just about liking the other person but also having time and energy to be inclined to make an effort with new people. I would be money that you are liked, but think it may just be about accepting that its a numbers things and it takes a lot of time..

Well done re book club op. Neighbours takes time we here years. School run I met them that route. Was in walking group I put a message up for a coffee. Nothing. Disheartening. Everyone busy busy. I just do things myself now as less hassles

This comes up all the time on here. I think you need to take some responsibility for this dynamic, if it occurs in most or all your relationships. If you generally invite people to view you as the rock/listener/helper without needs, you need to look at why you’re people-pleasing to this extent, and then resenting it when people treat you in the way you’re inviting.

I wish you were my neighbour. I feel very much the same way. I'd hugely appreciate you being friendly and would appreciate having someone to have a natter with. Keep your chin up OP, it's definitely not you

I feel the same, I really do. I've had a childhood's worth of feeling unferior, constantly told how fat and ugly I was by my mother. Then a string of traumatic experiences, parental abandonment and abusive relationships.

I feel worthless, frankly, i feel like nobody wants me really, not even my partner. I've been excluded by my mum/gran/aunt all my life, i feel excluded still, like nobody really wants to know me.

Thing is... I genuinely love people. Id give anything to anyone. I genuinely loce my fellow humans, I care about everyone, even people i don't know. Im naive and gullible, despite all the rejection I've faced i still try to see the best in everyone i meet.

I love people. I really do. I just wish i was wanted and loved unconditionally myself.

But im just a mental worthless psycho.

So damn lonely. So damn unwanted.

I moved to a brand new place and found a Facebook group called 'be her friend LOCATION'
you could search if one is in your area?

it's a complete mix of people and you do have to push yourself out there that made me uncomfy at first but glad I just 'went for it' as obviously everyone is in the group for the exact same purpose of making friendships.

some things didn't work out (suppose abit like online dating) but I have made friends for life also.

OP you can turn this on its head and rather than seeing these people's aloofness as a referendum on your liveability, say to yourself, are they worth the bother? If they are making themselves that hard to get to know, if they are bordering on impolite - why bother with them? Move on to the next people you meet.
Maybe the reason you don't have many friends is that you waste all your efforts on people that don't want to be friends, so you have no energy left for people who do. Been there, done that. I hope you can break the habit at a younger age then I did!

These threads seem to come up at least a few times a week. I’m sorry you’re feeling this way OP.

Every time the OP says they’re a kind and caring person and I don’t doubt that’s true. However other people seem to want friendships for escapism rather than mutual support - ‘kind and caring’ seems to already be ticked off by having a husband/sisters/mum, or just means you get taken advantage of. Are you the life and soul of the party on a weekend away? Good fun when out for drinks? Are you a confident and interesting person who people enjoy being around?

I used to be the kind and caring type until I realised it just meant people got in touch with their problems or needing a favour. Mothering my friends and being ‘supportive’ for years had actually made me quite intense and dull, someone they turned to in their hour of need but didn’t invite out or on hen dos.

I had to make a major effort to detach myself a little and work on my self esteem. Once I relaxed and stopped being a support friend it was amazing how many invitations I received and how much other people wanted to be around me.

So my best advice would be fake it til you make it. Don’t fill the silences, start saying no to people and be a little bit selfish. Make the jokes you want to make and don’t worry about how they ‘come across’. Act like you’re there to be entertained and enjoy yourself, not to please or entertain others. Other people will treat you how you let them, it’s all a bit of a Jedi mind trick really. It doesn’t mean never be there for your friends, but don’t take on a ‘school nurse’ like role over them because people might feel safe around their school nurse but who wants to go for cocktails with them?

Also (and I know I’ll get criticised for this) are you in need of a bit of a make over? I find when I’m happy with the way I look, my confidence follows and therefore my likeability.

The happiest people I know are basically selfish underneath. They put their needs first . If they are unhappy in a situation/ job or relationship off they go . They don't harm others they just don't tolerate shit .

It was really upsetting last night as I saw a few of the neighbours out and about looked like they had planned something. The couple whose kid is in my sons school was there too. Last week I was chatting to another neighbour just saying hi and the man whose kid is in my sons class came over to us completely blanked me and had a conversation with person I was next to. I felt so awkward I just said bye and left. I do t understand this couple as our sons are actually good friends! Their son is always asking for a playdate. I’ve tried to arrange one but I don’t get a response.

@princess94 im so sorry to hear that. Please feel free to message me.

I don’t know what puts people off me. I was reading Ekhart tollle and he says any trauma etc creates a pain body which people can sense. I do feel people can sense deep down Even though I smile when I see them they must be able to sense something,

Why didn’t you say hello to this man if you knew him and join in the conversation?

I want friends who are funny and make me laugh - kind friends would be a bit of a chore ie I would have to be 'kind' back, so what's that? Take them for lunch, invite them for coffee - all a bit intense.
I think you should do some volunteering - as most of the people I know don't volunteer it gives you something to talk about which they are interested in.
Join some groups yoga, art, choir, tennis, bridge, walking and stick them out even if they seem unfriendly initially.

Why didn’t you say hello to this man if you knew him and join in the conversation?

I did! He carried on the conversation with the other guy. Sorry not to drip feed but I have heard people have had issues with the mum in particular. One school mum noticed she was cold to me and told me there’s been lots of issues with her and her son. I didn’t know any of this. I’ve noticed that them as a couple talk to who they want and ignore others. The mum has apparently had falling out with lots. I did find it strange when I see her at pick ups she stands on her own away from others, I have said hi and she does respond but very cold and no follow up questions from my attempts at conversation.

@Garethkeenansstapler this is exactly
what I have noticed is happening to me. How do I change this? I feel very dull but like to be helpful but perhaps too much.
This seems to happen with school mum friends, my old friends not so much.

If someone is standing away on their own they just don’t want to interact, it’s pretty obvious. Maybe you aren’t so great at reading social situations. It’s really knowing when to approach and also how deeply people want to interact.

I do not quite know how to describe it but I’m good at interacting with people, my Mother was as well as my sisters, my son is the same. I do wonder how much is learnt behaviour. As you have had a difficult start in life you may give off a nervous vibe, it’s understandable. Maybe contemplate having therapy, confidence does attract people. I think that’s what my family have.

@GretaGood I always feel a bit wary when people describe themselves as kind as it’s a bit nondescript. The most interesting people I know are slightly difficult. Not awful but they will stay true to their principles.