No one likes me

[Mum1135]

I just feel today that no one really likes me. I don’t know why because I think I’m friendly, caring and a decent person. I can be a little quiet and do lack confidence due to an abusive and traumatic childhood but I’m an adult now so should feel like this!

what made me come on here and post is that I saw my neighbours today (I moved in 3 months ago, a large cul-de-sac) I e been really friendly and introduced myself (no one introduced themselves so I felt I should). I find them cold and distant but obviously with each other they’re fine.

im still every time saying “good morning” to them. I feel really lonely. I don’t feel I have friends in my life in general just lots of acquaintances. I work as a temp so not in a place long enough to make friends.

I'm friendly with my neighbours in that I wave and say hello. But I dont socialise with any of them. So it won't be anything personal.
Because of the transient nature of your work, why don't you join a club? Walking clubs are very social. Anything where intermingling is expected. Maybe get on a committee where people will get to know your name. (Make sure it's a friendly club before you do that!) You just need to be exposed to more people.

Sorry to hear that OP.

I think the UK just isn't a very friendly country. Neighbours generally don't talk to one another.

Apparently the NHS has identified loneliness as being every bit as damaging as smoking.

I'm not sure what the answer is, but it's a serious problem for sure. I think it says more about them than you though.

I’ve had periods of my life where I’ve felt similar. It’s hard to make friends, especially when you move somewhere new or change jobs.

Do you have any hobbies you can go to?

I think kind caring people are often the loneliest. People also because they are so nice they will already have lots of friends so don’t tend to make an effort to get to know them well.

Ive made a few new friends lately locally just through my children really but it’s made the world of difference to my life.

Thank you both. But they all seem very friendly with each other!

one of them is actually a parent in my sons school and I’ve known her for nearly a year. We were renting nearby before moving into this house. Tbh the rental was also like this do makes me think it must be me. This parent I say hi and bye to but have found her to be cold and distant. She could have st least introduced me to others but she hasn’t, I think it must be the way I come across maybe too friendly, I’ve noticed the cold n distant mums seem to have lots of friends.

I find it really hard to make friends these days. My friends are all ones I've had for years. I do think it's hard when you move around a lot as we have.

I don't think it's that nobody likes you though op. I'm sure it isn't that at all.

Fwiw, I don't especially like my neighbours and am extremely glad we are just on waving terms! We live in a little close and everyone knows each other. They've all had big fallings out now and we just don't have to get involved at all due to the waves and smiles only relationship. Recommend

@Random102 do you please have any tips for me?

Just because people aren't friendly doesn't mean they don't like you.
Their lack of friendliness and social skills is their problem.
This country is getting more unfriendly and rude by the minute.
Try to find your tribe - people who like what you like.
Amateur dramatics gets a bad rap but it is a great way to meet lots of friendly outgoing people. You don't have to be a performer - there are loads of backstage roles.

I’ve never really had a falling out with any neighbours. In my last place my family were the only ones that didn’t make a complaint about one of the neighbours building work. I didn’t realise others had complained until he came up to me and thanked me for being understanding and patient. Yes his builders did inconvenience me a few times by blocking me but moved when I asked but I wouldn’t have made a complaint about that!

I think I’m a very friendly, sociable and don’t get too annoyed quickly type of person. Maybe I need to start being distant and aloof and see where that takes me! Being friendly hasn’t worked so far.

I don't have any friends. I'm thankful that my partner is a lovely guy and genuinely my best friend. My sisters and I are very close, in part probably because of our abusive childhoods. But we don't live near each other so although we chat on whatsapp all day, we can't go out together often.

I don't have any friends outside those three people. My kids are older now (15 and 12) but when they were younger I didn't have the opportunity to make mum friends because I was working full time so couldn't join in the after-drop-off coffee or whatever. The one time I did try to strike up a conversation with a group of mums in the playground they literally turned their backs to me 🙁I didn't go to school in the area I live in either so don't have any school friends locally. But even with the school friends I did have, I lost touch with them because I moved out when I was 16 whereas they all did A levels and went to uni.

I have lots of acquaintances and if you looked at my Facebook feed you'd probably think I had loads of friends because there's lots of interaction on there, but they're not people I can turn to or even invite over for a coffee or whatever.

Sorry, no advice, I just wanted you to know you're not alone. It's not you. I think it's just society. The very outgoing people can make friends easily because they put themselves out there. At my kids' schools there are lots of families who've moved out of London so knew no one when they arrived and have bonded really quickly. But they're the confident, successful types who are used to just getting involved. I am too much of an introvert for that 😂

I’ve noticed the cold n distant mums seem to have lots of friends

This is just because they are not interested in making friends as they have friends : )

You can only really make friends with people who have enough time in their life for a new friend and are looking for friends. As an adult with children, that does narrow the pool as people are busy.

I’ve had to start over with kids in a new place, and it is hard. My tip is join stuff, get your own hobbies and interests and do stuff related to that to meet people. Talk to everyone. It will be a lot of false hopes and false dawns, a lot of picking yourself up and starting again, but you get there.

When i moved into my place a lot of my neighbours were young professional couples with young families or just about to start families. They weren't interested in forming friendships with me because I'm not in that demographic. They needed friends they could share playdates etc with. I understood and didn't take it personally. Keep looking. It also helps to stop focusing on yourself so much (I'm not likeable etc) because if you're preoccupied with your "failings" you won't be able to see all the people around who want to befriend you or you won't feel good enough to make friends with them. So, chin up. Act as though you are likeable (you probably are!). Good luck.

Hi OP,
If you have you have trauma in your background (so sorry to hear this), you will probably be very negatively biased and won't be able to help this (we are all like this to a certain extent). So you are more likely to automatically scan for threat in social situations and even the slightest thing may feel like a rejection. Not sure whether you have ever sought help to deal with your past but from what you've said, I think this could be really helpful for you. You could start with Mind, a free service. A good therapist will model what a trusting, caring relationship should look like and that will help you to then build your own. It can be very hard to trust people when you have trauma in your history and making connections with new people can feel unsafe.

I'm sure you are really lovely and kind - I'm sorry you are feeling lonely.

My neighbours must think I’m awful.

I’m so friendly and I’d go out of my way to help anyone but I work full time in a mentally draining job and my home is my safe space where I can just relax and shut out the world.

I always say hello to my neighbours but I’d avoid stopping to chat because I don’t have the energy.

Sorry you're having trouble.

I disagree with some posters saying this country is unfriendly!

I think a lot of the aloofness is actually shyness.

My advice would be to find some local groups or check out your local college for community courses. I made a a couple of new friends at a beginners Spanish class. It started slowly, then I mentioned meeting a before the class for a coffee and it worked a treat.

Oh, and I'm not the confident, outgoing type, so really struggle with meeting new people.

Just keep looking out for things going on in your local area. It's not very glamorous, but my cousin started litter picking in her local area and found that a really good way to get chatting. They now have a rota and go out in pairs and have started meeting socially too.

Good luck.

Just keep being you OP.
The world needs more kind/friendly people.

There are lonely people in every country - I've lived in two European countries and one Asian country as well as the UK. Believe me you can be lonely anywhere.

And actually I think the UK is great for friendship groups and far more tolerant of new people than many places are. But that's not everyone's experience of course.

It's not you OP - it's circumstances. And if people are busy they won't have time for new friends.
You need to be part of a group, a workplace, a volunteer place, a club, a hobby group.... something. And friendships take time, and a shared activity. So helping at the school sports day and chatting over putting out the cones, or volunteering at a foodbank or staying for coffee after the Sunday service or getting a permanent but part time job, or seeing each other every Tuesday at Pilates or in the gym. Whatever you can do.

But it's not you OP.

A bit random- but do you have a front garden? I find everyone who passes by when I’m gardening in the front, stops and chats.
As you live in a cul de sac, I bet someone will soon stop by, even if it’s just being nosey. You don’t have to be doing wonderful gardening, weeding slowly will do. You could open the conversation by asking about their garden. Who knows what might develop from it.

Thank you all for the lovely suggestions. I do have young kids do I think I’ll start bring more pudgy for play dates. I think that’s a lot to go with it too. My sister whose an extrovert is very much like that.

I feel the same as you. You’re not the only one. I don’t feel like I have any friends, not true friends I can turn to or talk to . Can’t talk to family cause they tell me I’m depressing (I actually have post natal depression) and my partner says I’m grumpy.

I literally have spent my life there for other people and supporting people, always listening to their shit and let them vent but when I need to it’s like I’m not allowed to :(

it’s a very lonely place when you have no one to talk to

That's true. You spend so much time being the helper, the rock, and when you need someone there's no rock for you? I hear you. Everyone comes to me when they need but I'm not allowed to need. Ever.

Exactly. I just get called depressing .

I look after everyone else but no one looks after me. I always wonder if anyone would actually care if I wasn’t around. I am extremelly suicidal right now

I can empathise OP. I moved to a new part of the country almost 2 years ago, and thought I was a pretty friendly, sociable person but it’s taken me a while to really make friends. It’s not because local people weren’t friendly (they were incredibly welcoming), but they already had their close friendship groups. So I ‘needed’ them more than they needed me, and they didn’t know anything about me.

I joined a local club (running), and started volunteering, and through participation I feel I’ve really started to find my feet here. As an adult I think you really have to work hard at making new friends, but the benefits are you can find yourself having a much wider social circle than you thought you might.

Please do persevere, especially with other school parents, and be prepared to spend a lot of time being the person who asks lots of small talk questions about others to break the ice, but I’m sure folks will realise how lovely you are before long. Good luck!

Exactly. I just get called depressing .

I look after everyone else but no one looks after me. I always wonder if anyone would actually care if I wasn’t around. I am extremelly suicidal right now

They bloody well would miss you.
You need to start not looking after everyone else. Look after yourself for once and they will soon sit up and take notice. Tell them how you are feeling. People can be very selfish. Sending hugs.

Thank you 🙏 it’s just very hard when they all just argue with you about how you should feel. And my feelings aren’t right .
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