To just start avoiding groups of people rather than challenge my fears??

[AllThatTwitters]

Hi. So, I have become quite socially anxious as I have aged, and socialising with groups particularly brings this up. Yesterday, I was invited for coffee with a group I am studying with. I felt really nervous on the way there, but I have the attitude of 'challenge fears, challenge the stories you tell yourself about yourself', etc, so I went. All the way through it I felt self conscious, was internally focused on how I was coming across, etc. And afterwards I just felt bad about myself for being so nervous, not being able to just relax like everybody else, not showing my real self, all that crap. I came away feeling woeful. So, my question is this: do you think the healthy thing to do is go along to situations you are uncomfortable in and challenge yourself in this way OR is it actually healthier to just give yourself a free pass and avoid situations in which you are feeling discomfort and are not your natural self? I genuinely am stumped about this. TIA.

I find it easier if I concentrate on how the other people are feeling.. try & make them feel at ease, ask them questions about themselves etc..
But I still prefer just not to be in those situations, lol, am happier 1-2-1 or alone, & am not going to force myself to change now. :-)

I’m the same. I keep going out though because I see it as exposure therapy. I know that when I don’t know anyone/have any invitations or anyone to invite, then I’m sad and lonely then too. So I’d rather keep trying and be worried (and hopefully get better with practise) than give up and be sad.

Plus I’m much better 1:1 and how am I going to find friends to be 1:1 with if I never go out and meet people.

I have never liked group socialising and during lockdown I realised how much happier I was not having to worry about it. These days I'd still go out with a very small group of friends or one on one but something like a larger group of school mums, or work, nope. Don't miss it or the stress it caused - can't see the point of forcing myself to get used to something I can't see me ever really enjoying. I would feel like you do and then spend the rest of the day/night running it through in my head. Depends I guess if you think you'll ever get anything out of it - I decided I probably wouldn't.

why go? What benefit is it? Why bother to do something you dislike so much?

Thanks for your replies, even though they vary I agree a bit with each one, that's how confused I am 😂.
Yeh I think that's the bind that social anxiety can hold you in: Put yourself out there because you don't want to feel sad/lonely or end up isolated, but the act of putting yourself out there potentially causes more inner turmoil that the loneliness! My DP simply does nothing that he does not care to do (besides the usual responsibilities like work and the ironing..) and I can't help feeling sometimes that that's why he has far fewer wrinkles than me, despite being older 😅.

Do what makes you happiest op, you don't have to force yourself x

I guess you have to understand that you can have difficult feelings and still do things.

The more we avoid, the more we teach our internal system that avoidance is 'safer'.

But our world can get very small then. And maybe boring or lonely. Someone who is a people person might end up becoming a recluse in the pursuit of avoiding those uncomfortable feelings.

Our mind thinks that because uncomfortable feelings are there, that we are in physical danger. So it tries to think of reasons to previous us doing things that create those feelings. That's where the confusion arises.

This workbook below is good.

https://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/Resources/Looking-After-Yourself/Social-Anxiety

@YouJustDoYou thanks xx

@Felicity42 Thanks very much for that material x Yep, absolutely, the brain is very good at telling us it is keeping us safe when it may be doing the opposite. I guess it's that question of getting older and starting to become a bit weary of trying to combat nerves all the darned time rather than being safely home with the dog. But as you say, is that really the safe option in the long run, when it just serves to shrink your world.

The small amount of CBT I've done tells me to put yourself out there and practice. Try and focus and really listen to what someone is saying. It does kind of work. Start with smaller things. But I find life dictates what you have to do. You can't avoid going in to work, your dsis's wedding or your BIL's 50th birthday party for example.

I have struggled with agrophobia and GAD and do a bit of all the advice.

For example, I have a group of friends who all met online during covid doing a hobby.

There have been a few meet ups, first step was getting comfortable, with getting to the town nearest to all of us, next step was meeting a few of them, a number I was comfortable with, in the summer, we have a massive meet up, lots more people, but hopefully we can arrange a few smaller meets up in between, so I am a bit more comfortable.

However, if I dont feel comfortable and my anxiety levels are high, I wont do it. As it stands, there is nothing in this world, that is going to get me comfortable with going to, say a music gig with 20,000 people indoors.

I'm not sure if I'm neurodiverse or just an introvert but I also don't tend to enjoy certain types of group socialising or social environments. For me if I want to do something I will do it but I won't put extra pressure on myself e.g. to talk to new people or stay longer than I'm comfortable with. I also try to remember people's names in advance and think about things I could ask them.

Yep @UnbeatenMum , I am also unsure if I am an introvert. I tend to think I can't be one if I desire so strongly to be liked and accepted, but maybe I am wrong. Anyway, I think your approach is really logical and balanced. The same with @gazpachosoupday , to find that balance with the challenges of agoraphobia and anxiety is admirable.

^The more we avoid, the more we teach our internal system that avoidance is 'safer'.

But our world can get very small then. And maybe boring or lonely. Someone who is a people person might end up becoming a recluse in the pursuit of avoiding those uncomfortable feelings.^

My mum told me an analogy that motivates me when I am uncomfortable about doing something. Think of your life as a room. Every time you challenge yourself, your room gets a bit bigger. When you shy away from something and don't do it, your room gets smaller. That has helped me to do scary things, because I don't want to end up trapped in a tiny room.

I think it depends on whether you want to do it, will eventually enjoy it but are anxious about doing it or whether you just don't like it.

You shouldn't let anxiety stop you from doing something you'll enjoy, but nor should you waste your life doing things that make you miserable because you feel you should.

I think it depends what it is really. If the thing you’re anxious about is skydiving or white water rafting then it’s ok to just avoid it. You don’t need to push yourself.

If it something more everyday and you’re therefore not able to live what most poeple
would consider a normal life, then you do unfortunately have to battle through in the hope it will get better.

But I’d even caveat that with if it’s been years and it’s not gotten better, you’re allowed to give up and stop trying. Because it is exhausting.

Literally grappling with this myself. I seek out social situations but feel crap in and after them.

I like people, but hate the way they make me feel (and I'm pretty sure it's not them, it's me).

I'm starting to withdraw and just focus on my family who I love. I have always felt like this so don't suppose it will change anytime soon so I don't want to spend my whole life concerned with what people think of me.

You should try and get professional advise on this but generally speaking the consensus is that the more we give into anxieties the worse they get

Your brain rewards you with feel good feelings for keeping it "safe" and it becomes wired into you that you anticipated "danger", avoided it and then nothing bad happened.

If you follow this there is a very real danger that your world can end up becoming very small and limited

I found after lockdown I felt very weird going out and about but once I started doing it more often I became fine. Not suggesting you are the same as this.

Why not build up slowly. Take a book to a quiet coffee shop, have a coffee and stay for 30 mins. Then do it with a friend and eventually build up until you can manage a group.

How are you at the cinema or theatre? Perhaps suggest meeting at one of them with your friends and then stay for a drink / meal afterwards, you'll have something to discuss and it isn't personal to you. I find having to chat about myself quite uncomfortable but talking about a film/show much easier.

Obviously CBT or medication might also help.

It's not just an analogy. The more you retreat, the more likely it is that people will end up in a tiny room, sometimes even terrified bundled up under the covers.

DP got like that when under prolonged huge stress - he'd always been taught to retreat away from anything that was scary or even slightly uncomfortable. It got to the point where I'd literally be crawling around silently on my hands and knees in the dark to locate washing and he'd be in pieces in the bedroom if I dropped something downstairs.

Once he'd been to the GP (and that took much longer because he had deteriorated to the point of barely feeling safe hidden under the covers, so it was a massive effort on his part to go) and been prescribed betablockers, the physical responses lessened so he could begin to make his world that little bit larger again. Once we threw in the idea that if his brain was telling him to get out of there and run for the hills, perhaps what he actually needed to do was, well, get out and run, it became the cliché of exercise actually helping to improve mental health.

There are still some things that he doesn't particularly like, which I completely understand and respect, but there's so much of life that he missed out on for a good few years because of the vicious cycle of feeling anxious - retreat and avoid - feel anxious thinking about it - retreat and avoid - feel even more anxious - retreat and avoid - nowhere to go - feel anxious all the time.

I think you probably know yourself that if you actively avoid these situations your anxiety will never improve. It'll get worse. To the point where these situations will become unbearable for you.

However if you aren't enjoying them while you're there I'm not sure it's really worth it. I'm one of those people who really has to force myself into things but once I'm there I enjoy it and am pleased I went. If I came away feeling worse I'm really not sure if I'd be able to muster up the energy to do it.

Sorry this isn't a very helpful reply. I guess just do what makes you happy but be aware that avoidance really does exacerbate anxiety and if there comes a time where you need to be in a big group of people (work, family obligations etc) you may find it even harder.

Keep going. If you stop it becomes way hardet to talk to anyone.

This is such a good question, OP, and one I've often pondered too!
My thing is that I will make the effort to go along and partake, but give myself a 'get out' after a couple of hours if I need it. This could come in the form of needing to get home to my teens, or an appointment or whatever.
I kind of think it's the best of both worlds: getting out of one's comfort zone but also being kind enough to yourself to leave when you've had enough!
I have a teenage daughter with anxiety who really pushes herself to do things socially, so I'm also mindful of being a good example to her.
Mostly though I'm just an introvert who prefers being alone at home!

I struggle with this as well. I don't like going out in groups or social occasions- I'm self conscious about my appearance and my clothes and feel I am always dressed wrong for whatever it is. So I generally avoid - especially functions like weddings or parties. BUT I'm not shy and I'll literally talk to anyone about anything, I'm confident about my intelligence and sense of humour and I'll take my kids to anything they want to do. So I feel that socially my space is shrinking but I prefer that, so struggle with whether it's actually an issue or not.