To just start avoiding groups of people rather than challenge my fears??

[AllThatTwitters]

Hi. So, I have become quite socially anxious as I have aged, and socialising with groups particularly brings this up. Yesterday, I was invited for coffee with a group I am studying with. I felt really nervous on the way there, but I have the attitude of 'challenge fears, challenge the stories you tell yourself about yourself', etc, so I went. All the way through it I felt self conscious, was internally focused on how I was coming across, etc. And afterwards I just felt bad about myself for being so nervous, not being able to just relax like everybody else, not showing my real self, all that crap. I came away feeling woeful. So, my question is this: do you think the healthy thing to do is go along to situations you are uncomfortable in and challenge yourself in this way OR is it actually healthier to just give yourself a free pass and avoid situations in which you are feeling discomfort and are not your natural self? I genuinely am stumped about this. TIA.

So, my question is this: do you think the healthy thing to do is go along to situations you are uncomfortable in and challenge yourself in this way OR is it actually healthier to just give yourself a free pass and avoid situations in which you are feeling discomfort and are not your natural self?

To be brutally frank here - no-one else will notice you in the way you think they notice you. Everyone's dealing with their own stuff. And the way you feel is more "normal" than you might think.

I was pathologically shy as a child & teenager. It wasn't till I was in my mid 20s that I felt anywhere near "normal" in my interactions in groups. But no-one who knew me would have realised.

Because I was taught as a child that my shyness was excessive self-regard and self-consciousness. I was told, (in very gentle ways of course!) that I needed to stop thinking of myself, and I should think about others.

That actually really helps and by forcing myself to ask questions of others, when really I wanted to sit in a corer & disappear, I came to realise how fascinating other people are. I acquired a reputation for very good manners, and kindness. I think this is because I still focus my interest on the other person, rather than on myself.

Try it next time. Rehearse a couple of questions which are open, but not impertinent or intrusive - maybe about what you're studying or how the other person came to be interested in the studies you're both undertaking.

Rehearse and practice.

And smile - that really helps.

Fake it until it actually feels "natural."

Thank you all for your thought-provoking messages and for sharing stuff xxx. This was my first MN post - I look forward to asking many more needy questions, ha ha. I wonder is social anxiety sometimes not actual shyness but a name we give to the intense need for approval and to be affirmed by others?? Like, is part of the terror of such groups really the fear of afterwards feeling that awful feeling that you didn't perform sufficiently and were not liked enough, rather than shyness as such?
But someone once said to me that if you are of a certain frame of mind, no affirmation is ever enough and you are constantly looking to others for signs you are okay or not okay. That kind of rings true.
On the other hand, like many of you I am sure, once I manage to bloody well relax I can be a good laugh, and I love a good chat with a randomer at the bus stop. It's the groups of people who are neither strangers nor friends that are toughest. Thank you again.

The crap feeling afterwards is, well,,,,,crap, isn't it? But I wonder if you just haven't met the right people for you? Maybe you're sensitive, and need to meet other sensitive souls? They can be hard to find sometimes.

That sounds like great modelling for your daughter - finding a balance you can live with. She sounds like a brave one too.

I don't really like large groups...especially if I don't know most of them. I was actually invited down to break by one person at work who I met on a work training course. After I'd been down a couple of times, they ended up asking me in front of everyone, is the person you usually go on break with not missing you? Fucking bitch. She knew what she meant and so did I. I duly stayed away after that as it really dented my confidence and made me feel like shit tbh. Self appointed queen bee. I don't think they liked the 'competition' from another person who was making the rest of the group laugh (I'm pretty sharp and witty at times). I've stuck to 1 on 1 time with people at work who aren't cunts.

I wonder is social anxiety sometimes not actual shyness but a name we give to the intense need for approval and to be affirmed by others?? Like, is part of the terror of such groups really the fear of afterwards feeling that awful feeling that you didn't perform sufficiently and were not liked enough, rather than shyness as such?

I think you describe something that most people (or maybe mostly women?) feel sometimes and quite a few people feel a lot of the time.

We are social animals. We seek affirmation. I think you need to be careful not to pathologise what is a pretty widespread experience.

If you ask people, most of them will admit to feelings and responses like this at times, or even a lot. Those awful 2 am thoughts, going “Oh what a fool I was”

It gets easier as you get older and you realise most people are like this and cover it up. We’re all improvising and feeling - at times- that we’re rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic or dancing through a minefield.

My own experience is that it hasn't really gotten easier as I have gotten older. I am in my late 40s and the anxiety is far more intense than, say in my 20s. But like many people I have had a few significant knocks over the years, and have learned that people can be unsafe.