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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who is the arsehole here?

41 replies

Naranjas · 07/05/2023 10:24

I’m tired after spending all day yesterday with DH’s family and I have a bit of a tummy ache. So I told DH I’m going to chill for a bit, left him watching Disney with DC5 and went to lie on the bed with my book. He’s going out with his friends after lunch so I figured it’s fair for me to have a couple of hours rest now.

All great for 15 mins. Until he turned up with his iPad and sat on the bed beside me. He has left DC watching tv downstairs.

AIBU to be annoyed? He thinks this is reasonable and is angry that I told him to go back downstairs and leave me alone. He said DC is fine and is just watching Tangled. But from my perspective, when I’ve left him with DC I’m off duty. I’m relieved of the mental load of being alert. If DC needs anything he’s there and I won’t be bothered. Whereas when he’s followed me upstairs we are 50/50 on duty again. I have to be alert and listen, I have to check on DC, and at some point DC will come upstairs and bother me. I came upstairs in the first place so I wouldn’t be bothered, and it’s my turn not to be bothered - he gets his turn after lunch when he goes out.

DH is whinging because I don’t want to sit with him and he wants to sit with me. Personally I feel like he’s come upstairs on purpose to selfishly relieve himself of the hassle of solo parenting. I don’t see why he can’t sit on the sofa next to DC with his iPad and leave me alone. He doesn’t see why he can’t sit beside me with his iPad because DC is happily watching tv.

Who is the arsehole?

OP posts:
doalot · 07/05/2023 10:37

He’s made a decision, he’s still watching out for them not you but has chosen to leave them unattended downstairs. Meh

Original poster
Naranjas · 07/05/2023 10:52

He’s now complaining that he’s going out this afternoon so he should have an equal chance to have some down time now. I pointed out that going out this afternoon IS his down time. He said no, that’s a hobby not my leisure time? I said fuck off you selfish bastard, your hobby IS your leisure time. So now we aren’t speaking.

OP posts:
Newusernameaug · 07/05/2023 10:55

Yes yea being a total dick, ask him when your off time is then?

littleblackcat27 · 07/05/2023 10:55

Your 'D'H is being a wanker. Of course he gets it. He's bullshitting.

MayBeeJuneSoon · 07/05/2023 11:00

Is he always like this! I suspect so...

IamnotSethRogan · 07/05/2023 11:02

DH does this and it annoys me. I don't think anyone is particularly being the arsehole but sometimes I just want to sit in a room and be alone.

IamnotSethRogan · 07/05/2023 11:03

Oh right I just saw the bit about him not thinking his hobby is leisure time. He is definitely being the arsehole.

rainraingoawaay · 07/05/2023 11:10

On the face of it it doesn't sound hugely unreasonable, the hobby leisure time comment sounds annoying - but so does telling him to fuck off and calling him a selfish bastard tbh!

zingally · 07/05/2023 11:40

Naranjas · 07/05/2023 10:52

He’s now complaining that he’s going out this afternoon so he should have an equal chance to have some down time now. I pointed out that going out this afternoon IS his down time. He said no, that’s a hobby not my leisure time? I said fuck off you selfish bastard, your hobby IS your leisure time. So now we aren’t speaking.

I was kind of neutral until I read this. OF COURSE his time out the house counts as his downtime!

But a 5yo is perfectly fine watching tv downstairs alone.

NoTouch · 07/05/2023 11:51

More importantly than who the arsehole is, is the 5 year old who is downstairs knowing mum and dad are arguing over who has to spend time just sitting with them in the same room and what a burden they are. It doesn't matter how quiet you think you are being they know.

Have your down time when they are in bed tonight. 🙄

Starhead69 · 07/05/2023 11:54

NoTouch · 07/05/2023 11:51

More importantly than who the arsehole is, is the 5 year old who is downstairs knowing mum and dad are arguing over who has to spend time just sitting with them in the same room and what a burden they are. It doesn't matter how quiet you think you are being they know.

Have your down time when they are in bed tonight. 🙄

The 5 year old is probably unaware of the conversation

Watchthedoormat · 07/05/2023 11:58

He's the arsehole and now he's ruined any possible down time for you and it's now escalated to shit time.
Next Sunday arrange to go out on the afternoon- even if that 'going out' is sitting in a cafe or browsing the local supermarket and sitting in the car for a couple of hours reading a book.
And don't forget your down time before you go out of course.

Spottedsox · 07/05/2023 12:02

NoTouch · 07/05/2023 11:51

More importantly than who the arsehole is, is the 5 year old who is downstairs knowing mum and dad are arguing over who has to spend time just sitting with them in the same room and what a burden they are. It doesn't matter how quiet you think you are being they know.

Have your down time when they are in bed tonight. 🙄

I agree...

Just No to swearing at your partner,
We understand your unwell but that is instantly asking for a shite storm.
I am sure a 5 yr old can watch TV alone
They also need to learn to be ok with this.
Keep the respect.
Kids to do sense and pick up on your vibes...not talking solves nothing.
Outside life of the family should not be resentfully thrown in his face.
We all need a vice and time out.

Original poster
Naranjas · 07/05/2023 12:03

I actually wanted to read a little bit and doze off for a nap, so I feel up to the task of looking after DC this afternoon and possibly taking him out somewhere. Now DH is getting ready to go out and I’m still exhausted.

OP posts:
Ottersmith · 07/05/2023 12:05

He's being a lazy prick.

Manichean · 07/05/2023 12:07

He is the arsehole.

Shoxfordian · 07/05/2023 12:07

If you were both upstairs and dc was happily watching a film then I don’t really see the issue tbh

hereiamagainn · 07/05/2023 12:11

My response to this would be to go and read in the bath. And lock the door. Or go the the park.
Not that you should have to.

Snugglemonkey · 07/05/2023 12:13

He is the arsehole. I would ask him to stay in this afternoon as you are too unwell to manage alone.

Oysterbabe · 07/05/2023 12:14

Yanbu.
My family have a tendency to follow me around the house and it drives me mad. I'll leave them all downstairs when I go for a shower and walk out of the en suite to find DH and both kids in the bedroom.

Original poster
Naranjas · 07/05/2023 12:14

Shoxfordian · 07/05/2023 12:07

If you were both upstairs and dc was happily watching a film then I don’t really see the issue tbh

Because I wanted to have a rest and DH was shirking his turn at parenting. What’s going to happen if DC gets bored with tv or wants a snack or someone to play cars or starts crying? He’s going to disturb my rest, instead of being looked after by DH downstairs without bothering me.

OP posts:
JulieHoney · 07/05/2023 12:16

He’s being a dick. Going out for recreation IS down time.

PsychoHotSauce · 07/05/2023 12:18

I know you're pissed off but the way you talk about your child is awful Sad

MaisieDaisyMay · 07/05/2023 12:23

PsychoHotSauce · 07/05/2023 12:18

I know you're pissed off but the way you talk about your child is awful Sad

@PsychoHotSauce

gosh I must have missed that!

what did the OP say about her child that was so awful??

TeaKitten · 07/05/2023 12:24

YA both BU, him for dodging loan parenting, and you for talking about your child like that. Annoyed that he might come upstairs and ask for a snack (which DH can get him) because it will disturb you. Not exactly going to ruin your whole day is it? Now your both not speaking because neither of you want to be around your kid for the morning, nice!

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