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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Who is the arsehole here?

41 replies

Naranjas · 07/05/2023 10:24

I’m tired after spending all day yesterday with DH’s family and I have a bit of a tummy ache. So I told DH I’m going to chill for a bit, left him watching Disney with DC5 and went to lie on the bed with my book. He’s going out with his friends after lunch so I figured it’s fair for me to have a couple of hours rest now.

All great for 15 mins. Until he turned up with his iPad and sat on the bed beside me. He has left DC watching tv downstairs.

AIBU to be annoyed? He thinks this is reasonable and is angry that I told him to go back downstairs and leave me alone. He said DC is fine and is just watching Tangled. But from my perspective, when I’ve left him with DC I’m off duty. I’m relieved of the mental load of being alert. If DC needs anything he’s there and I won’t be bothered. Whereas when he’s followed me upstairs we are 50/50 on duty again. I have to be alert and listen, I have to check on DC, and at some point DC will come upstairs and bother me. I came upstairs in the first place so I wouldn’t be bothered, and it’s my turn not to be bothered - he gets his turn after lunch when he goes out.

DH is whinging because I don’t want to sit with him and he wants to sit with me. Personally I feel like he’s come upstairs on purpose to selfishly relieve himself of the hassle of solo parenting. I don’t see why he can’t sit on the sofa next to DC with his iPad and leave me alone. He doesn’t see why he can’t sit beside me with his iPad because DC is happily watching tv.

Who is the arsehole?

OP posts:

Original poster

Naranjas · 07/05/2023 12:26

I haven’t said anything about my child. Other than I want to have a rest for a couple of hours without being bothered, so I feel up to taking him out this afternoon.

OP posts:

Original poster

Naranjas · 07/05/2023 12:29

TeaKitten · 07/05/2023 12:24

YA both BU, him for dodging loan parenting, and you for talking about your child like that. Annoyed that he might come upstairs and ask for a snack (which DH can get him) because it will disturb you. Not exactly going to ruin your whole day is it? Now your both not speaking because neither of you want to be around your kid for the morning, nice!

I wanted to have a rest and possibly a hours sleep so I could feel better enough to take DC out this afternoon. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to expect to be free this morning when DH is being free all afternoon.

OP posts:

PriamFarrl · 07/05/2023 12:30

Once upon a time there was a woman who wanted to sit and read her book on her own, and she did. They all lived happily ever after.

The end.

diddl · 07/05/2023 12:31

I don't think him leaving the 5yr old would bother me it's that he can't leave Op alone to rest.

What a selfish fucker he is.

Perhaps Op you should have told him that you felt unwell & needed to sleep?

Crazydoglady1980 · 07/05/2023 12:33

I can’t believe the responses you are getting here. Of course you should be able to have some time to yourself when you are feeling unwell. DH resented having to be on call for DC so decided he would join you.
I can’t believe he thinks his hobby isn’t down time. So you get time out the house without DC?

Dilemma19 · 07/05/2023 12:33

Yanbu, but the way you spoke to him is horrible. Why the need to be so vulgar?

He should be the one alert but surely you just tell your 5yo to go to dad if they need anything? My dc were perfectly content to watch a movie by themselves.

TeaKitten · 07/05/2023 12:34

Naranjas · 07/05/2023 12:29

Show quote history

I don’t think it is either, that’s why he is BU! With you it’s more you’re being annoyed that the kid might ‘bother’ you by crying or asking your DH for a snack while he’s in the same room as you, it’s really not a morning ruined. You can still rest with them around and DH can still see to your child. Instead it’s escalated and you’ve told your DH to fuck off and called him a bastard and now aren’t talking. Shit atmosphere for your 5 year old who was minding his own business not ‘bothering’ either of you anyway. You asked for opinions and I think both unreasonable.

Clymene · 07/05/2023 12:36

He's a lazy self absorbed prick. I'm sorry some posters have been so well trained to putting men's needs first they can't see they.

MaisieDaisyMay · 07/05/2023 12:36

Dilemma19 · 07/05/2023 12:33

Yanbu, but the way you spoke to him is horrible. Why the need to be so vulgar?

He should be the one alert but surely you just tell your 5yo to go to dad if they need anything? My dc were perfectly content to watch a movie by themselves.

@Dilemma19 vulgar 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

why can't she just be left alone to read/nap for a couple of hours. She wouldn't need to be woken up to tell DS to go and ask Dad if Dad was actually parenting & being thoughtful instead of being a lazy git.

Unicorn2022 · 07/05/2023 12:38

Yeah he's the arsehole

trisfreya · 07/05/2023 12:44

Naranjas · 07/05/2023 10:52

He’s now complaining that he’s going out this afternoon so he should have an equal chance to have some down time now. I pointed out that going out this afternoon IS his down time. He said no, that’s a hobby not my leisure time? I said fuck off you selfish bastard, your hobby IS your leisure time. So now we aren’t speaking.

hahaha - well if its such a chore for him to go out, maybe he should stay home?

ShowUs · 07/05/2023 12:49

YANBU

He sounds like a selfish arse and I wouldn’t look at him the same way again.

Unfortunately some people think the mother should always do the parenting.

Its funny how you are ok to parent by yourself whilst he goes out, yet when it’s his turn you must also be as responsible.

I think in future you need to start having more time to yourself, perhaps being completely out of the house.

Limpshade · 07/05/2023 13:06

Definition of a hobby: an activity done regularly in one's leisure time for pleasure.

"Leisure time".

He is the arsehole.

Choconut · 07/05/2023 13:09

Ask him when your leisure time is? If you don't currently get any then you need to start!

Undertherock · 07/05/2023 13:44

This needs a proper conversation, not an argument.

You have different perspectives on downtime - as much as we might snort at him distinguishing between his hobby and his downtime, it’s likely that he isn’t distinguishing between your experience of being “at home” and “on call”. Or understanding mental load.

Many people see equality as splitting bills 50/50, or splitting work equally. But if you don’t earn equal amounts, and can’t recognise some of the labour those definitions won’t feel fair. Equal leisure is another option but you’ve just come up against the problem of having different understandings of rest and hobbies.

These are issues worth teasing out, calmly and with respect for each others pov. You can’t get anywhere with arguments, and name calling. Strangers on the internet agreeing that your husband is an ah won’t take you any further.

longtompot · 07/05/2023 14:08

Yanbu @Naranjas You can't rest if dh is up with you whilst your child is watching the film as you are half keeping an ear out for if and when they need something. You also can't rest if dh is next to you watching something as he will be making noise, no matter how quiet he is, and the flicker from the iPad screen will disturb you. I hope you are feeling a bit better now and are up to looking after your dc this afternoon. If dh doesn't consider his hobby free time, then I'd suggest he gives it up to have proper free time.

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