To expect my friends not to gossip about my child?

NowZeusHasLainWithLeda · 07/05/2023 10:25

You know what they say...it's not that people were gossiping about you. It's why they felt comfortable doing it to the people who then came and told you.

Sirzy · 07/05/2023 10:27

Context is everything surely. Were they having a general discussion and the fact your son has adhd came up? Or did they say “ooh do you know what…”

personally although I do understand your annoyance I do think you need to be careful that you don’t create it as some sort of top secret thing that should be ashamed of.

Original poster

Nevereverinamillionyears · 07/05/2023 10:31

Thanks. No, obviously it's nothing to be ashamed of and we've no intention of keeping it a secret, it's just that my little boy is still coming to terms with it, and I'm trying to respect his wishes. Surely friends could respect that too, whatever the context, if they have been asked to.

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Arrangingmyknits · 07/05/2023 10:31

I would say you are being a bit dramatic here and a bit precious.

What difference will it make because people know?
Have you kept the whole process and your concerns to yourself throughout?
Have you not been chatting to people in your friendship groups about your kids as just general chat?

Are you concerned about what these people will do with the information? As in they will do something negative?
It’s so common nowadays, people are knowledgeable around this, is it not likely to be supportive and understanding rather than negative?

Janedoe82 · 07/05/2023 10:33

I wouldn’t worry- half the kids in the country seem to have a diagnosis of something now! Will be yesterdays news!
My eldest has adhd- no one apart from the Senco at school ever mentions it now and all my friends and colleagues know.

rattymol · 07/05/2023 10:34

As soon as he tells one other child, it would no longer have been secret anyway.

Original poster

Nevereverinamillionyears · 07/05/2023 10:35

Thanks, but I'm not concerned here about the diagnosis, it's the fact I thought these people were friends I could trust

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AnonymousA1 · 07/05/2023 10:40

@Nevereverinamillionyears he’s coming to terms with it ? Sorry he’s got ADHD not a terminal illness. Have you portrayed it to be tragic he has it if not his over reaction for an 8 year old would concern me.

I have ADHD diagnosis at 39 , my kids undoubtedly have some form of something which they are being looked into for but it’s no big deal.

No people shouldn’t gossip however they may of just been like “how can we help our friend ?”. Being brutal if it was me I’d be asking you if you needed some help with your anxiety rather than gossip about you.

Dont make a big deal and label your own son , just go with it it really isn’t life limiting.

rattymol · 07/05/2023 10:41

How do you know this has come from your friends? Your son could have mentioned it.

Original poster

Nevereverinamillionyears · 07/05/2023 10:45

I'm not making a big deal out of his diagnosis at all, he's the one who said he wants to keep it relatively private for now. We love him and he's wonderful.
Unfortunately none of these women have been of any support since I told them tbh, and none of others who found out got in touch in any helpful way, the woman who told me just said it in passing. So I suppose I know now they're not genuine friends anyhow

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FatGirlSwim · 07/05/2023 10:47

AnonymousA1 · 07/05/2023 10:40

@Nevereverinamillionyears he’s coming to terms with it ? Sorry he’s got ADHD not a terminal illness. Have you portrayed it to be tragic he has it if not his over reaction for an 8 year old would concern me.

I have ADHD diagnosis at 39 , my kids undoubtedly have some form of something which they are being looked into for but it’s no big deal.

No people shouldn’t gossip however they may of just been like “how can we help our friend ?”. Being brutal if it was me I’d be asking you if you needed some help with your anxiety rather than gossip about you.

Dont make a big deal and label your own son , just go with it it really isn’t life limiting.

I disagree (I am autistic with ADHD and so are two of my dc).

I feel positively about my diagnosis but learning that you are neurodivergent is quite a big deal and a lot of mental processing. Learning more about how you see the world and that there is an explanation for your differences is quite a big deal in my experience. Maybe not quite so much for a child who won’t be evaluating past experiences in a new light. But even at 8 they will still be learning about the diagnosis.

I also feel it’s my child’s decision when to share their diagnosis.

I wouldn’t discourage them or worry that they’ll be bullied though.

Iwasafool · 07/05/2023 10:47

People are entitled to their privacy and it is OPs sons business not a random book group. People don't seem to have boundaries about other people, I wonder if they are happy to share all their personal information with others. Just found out you have syphilis? Share it with the group. Your husband wears your bra to sleep in, lets tell everyone. Nothing to be ashamed of, anyone can catch an infection, sleep in what feels comfortable but for God's sake let everyone know.

I understand why you are upset OP, they should have respected your wishes and your son's privacy but I'm not sure what would be the best way to deal with it.

rattymol · 07/05/2023 10:49

What kind of support were you expecting them to give?

rainraingoawaay · 07/05/2023 10:51

"One of the other women in it has a child in my child's class, and she mentioned they'd told her."

Wait, so another child told his mum - who the mentioned it? So the other child must have heard it from your son, if he was the one telling his mum?

I don't think your friends did anything wrong if another women brought it up and it was mentioned in conversation, what do you expect from them - to silence the conversation immediately?

"None of others who found out got in touch in any helpful way" - I think you're expecting way too much from people here.

TidyDancer · 07/05/2023 10:51

I think there's two issues here.

Firstly your so-called friends are clearly out of line - in that regard it shouldn't really matter what they're being asked to say keep quiet, it should've been kept quiet. I think for the reason I would probably be inclined to make it clear that you know what they've done and see what happens.

Secondly, I'm getting a feeling of you maybe making this into a big thing that needs announcing or keeping quiet. This doesn't negate your friends being dicks over it of course, but it's possible that you may need to take a look at how this is all being dealt with around your DS. I'm not saying it's nothing and of course he may need additional support but this isn't anything to be ashamed of so I'd be careful that you're not accidentally creating an atmosphere where that is being communicated.

Thegoodbadandugly · 07/05/2023 10:52

AnonymousA1 · 07/05/2023 10:40

@Nevereverinamillionyears he’s coming to terms with it ? Sorry he’s got ADHD not a terminal illness. Have you portrayed it to be tragic he has it if not his over reaction for an 8 year old would concern me.

I have ADHD diagnosis at 39 , my kids undoubtedly have some form of something which they are being looked into for but it’s no big deal.

No people shouldn’t gossip however they may of just been like “how can we help our friend ?”. Being brutal if it was me I’d be asking you if you needed some help with your anxiety rather than gossip about you.

Dont make a big deal and label your own son , just go with it it really isn’t life limiting.

I agree with this.

clpsmum · 07/05/2023 10:52

I think you're going about it all in a really strange way and sending a really negative message. You say it's nothing to be ashamed of but that's how you're acting. Your son has nothing to come to terms with he's the same boy he's always been. He's been diagnosed with adhd not a terminal disease. Maybe one of your friends children told them. You have no idea they were gossiping rather than it just coming up in conversation. I think you're going way over the top about a non issue tbh. I say this as a mother of two children with autism and adhd

rattymol · 07/05/2023 10:55

This information came from another child.
I would bet that your son told this child.

thebestbirtheraccordingtoDD · 07/05/2023 11:14

I'd be very disappointed if it's expressly told them to keep it to themselves.
I'd mention that to them too.

Original poster

Nevereverinamillionyears · 07/05/2023 11:44

Thanks everyone. I'm specifically asking about the friends sharing information they were asking to keep to themselves for now. I've had plenty of friends ask the same of me and I never thought to tell others.

Seems I wasn't clear in a part. The ladies in the group shared the information. I just mentioned that one of the others happened to be a mother of a child in his class, her child did not tell her, and she has kindly mentioned she will not tell her child. She respects that it's his information and his decision.

I'm being very positive to him, I'm also being respectful of his wishes. We've also encouraged him to share it with his friends when he feels happy to do so.

Support might be a text saying asking how he or we are getting on perhaps?

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rattymol · 07/05/2023 12:06

I think needing support for an adhd diagnosis is a bit over the top.
It wouldn't even occur to me that anyone would need support for a diagnosis of this.

Original poster

Nevereverinamillionyears · 07/05/2023 12:17

OK thanks. The ADHD diagnosis isn't the issue. Given it's accompanied by ODD we have needed support, which I've received from a few lovely friends.

The issue was the friends who shared private information they'd been asleep to keep to themselves.

Thanks everyone

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WomanBitingATowel · 07/05/2023 12:17

rattymol · 07/05/2023 12:06

I think needing support for an adhd diagnosis is a bit over the top.
It wouldn't even occur to me that anyone would need support for a diagnosis of this.

This, in the nicest possible way. It’s an incredibly common diagnosis now. Several of my 11 year old DS’s friendship group have it, and, judging by casual references by DS to being allowed to accompany X or Y out on a ‘movement break’, there are several others in their class . Obviously, I would not have mentioned it to other people if you’d specifically asked me not to, but isn’t it possible that your friends didn’t understand the seriousness with which you clearly regard this, and regarded it as like saying ‘X is turning nine next week’?

fridaytwattery · 07/05/2023 12:28

I would ask why you felt the need to tell anyone if you wanted to keep this quiet while he (and you?) processed the diagnosis. If you felt the need to share, maybe they too felt that need for some reason - and the reason may be different to your own. You said you missed the session at the club, maybe somebody queried that and they feel the need to explain why? But that's only a guess, because you and us on here don't know. Perhaps you should ask them why they shared the info?

You also mention about the town gossip will spread it about. With respect, I think these days many people will not care. They are too busy living their own lives. I say that as a parent of a SEN child myself.

When we share something private, we often do so to relieve ourselves of some feelings and to get support in some way. By then asking others to keep it private, you are putting a responsibility on your friends - maybe a responsibility they did not want or ask for?

It's always worth keeping in mind that once you choose to share info, you lose control of it, no matter who you tell.

I would also suggest that at school it's not just the teacher that needs to know, but any supply that comes to cover the teacher, any other staff that have contact with him (incl lunch staff) in order to effectively support him using strategies that staff will have been taught.

tothelefttotheleft · 07/05/2023 13:12

Personally I don't share this information with other people. I don't think I have the right to share my children's diagnosis.