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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To expect my friends not to gossip about my child?

46 replies

Nevereverinamillionyears · 07/05/2023 10:23

My child was diagnosed with ADHD a while ago. Initially, he didn't want anyone outside his family and teacher knowing. As the months have passed, I've told a few friends, after checking with him, always asking them not to share it, given he's still processing it.

I'm in a book group and missed the last one. Two of the women I'd told are in the group. It turns out they discussed his diagnosis that evening in front of the others. One of the other women in it has a child in my child's class, and she mentioned they'd told her. Another woman in the group is an eternal gossip so the town will know before long.

It's obviously nothing to be ashamed of but it's our business, he is only 8, and I expressly asked two women I thought were friends not to share in order to protect him from potential bullying from other kids etc.

What should I do? The next group meeting is next week. Do I post a message on the group chat? Or just leave the group?

Thanks

OP posts:

Ellie1015 · 07/05/2023 13:16

Why did they share the information? If the intention was kind eg someone mentioned behaviour and they mentioned to try and help your child is different to just telling people for sake of it.

Original poster

Nevereverinamillionyears · 07/05/2023 13:22

Thanks. I shared it because I thought they were friends and I've really been struggling. I'd asked him if it was OK. All relevant staff are aware.

I had another event on so couldn't attend.

I just thought friends kept private information if they've been asked to, I've obviously learned a lot through this experience. I've kept information each of them have told me private so I thought this would be reciprocated, especially as I'd asked them.

FWIW ADHD when accompanied by other issues like ODD can be very challenging for everyone in the family and classroom etc.

OP posts:

Boomboom22 · 07/05/2023 13:25

I think you are very naive if he has odd and you think other parents are not discussing your son in the context of the classroom disruption. You might find opening up better for getting class acceptance tbh.
And adhd isn't a terminal illness to be come to terms with. You can't control other people's behaviour and ask them to keep secrets if it's about things like classroom atmosphere etc.

Original poster

Nevereverinamillionyears · 07/05/2023 13:29

I've never suggested it's a terminal illness. My son is struggling and I'm trying to support him. Of course everyone will know in time. That's not the point of this post - thank you so much but I really don't need advice on how to support my child.

OP posts:

h3ll0o · 07/05/2023 13:31

I was diagnosed with ADHD last year, I used to hate being given confidential information as my impulsiveness meant I would sometimes share it when I really didn’t want to.

If you feel this women are friends I’d speak to them in the first instance to find out what happened and then make a decision when you have a better idea of the facts

justprance · 07/05/2023 13:40

Firstly, ANY diagnosis needs to be digested. Whilst there may be 'worse' situations out there, EVERYONE deserves time to take this situation and come to terms with what it means for them, or a family member. If it took you a short time to digest, then bully for you. But there isn't a right way or a wrong way to come to terms with things and to absorb the information.

Secondly, I understand what you are saying OP. It is disappointing to discover that your friends were sharing information. BUT, context is key here. Where they openly gossiping or were they discussing in an attempt to support you? Whilst it may look clumsy, if these are your good friends (and confiding in them suggests that they are), then I would try to see it positively. I would ask them what happened, without accusing them of anything.

Good friends would rarely talk shit about your DC in public, IME.

cansu · 07/05/2023 13:40

I think that if your dc has issues with his behaviour in the class and receives support people will already have drawn their own conclusions. They may well have assumed that your dc has a diagnosis. You would be naive to think that people have not been discussing him.

HoppingPavlova · 07/05/2023 13:44

I'm not making a big deal out of his diagnosis at all, he's the one who said he wants to keep it relatively private for now

For an 8yo to have such a reaction means they are ashamed. They got this from somewhere.

One of mine has ASD/ADHD/GAD/OCD with a side serve of bipolar. They got the first of their diagnoses (Asperger’s) when they were 6yo and a seperate diagnosis of ADHD in addition when 8yo, then just kept adding the letters on🤣. We just explained it that some people have blonde hair, some have brown hair; some have blue eyes, some have brown eyes; some people have problems with tonsils and need them out, some people don’t; some people wear glasses, some people don’t; some people have ASD/ADHD, some people don’t. Essentially people are different in so many ways. This is not something that needs processing, or is a shameful difference that requires privacy any more than having brown hair or wearing glasses.

itsmylife7 · 07/05/2023 13:45

From personal experience I'd imagine they would have know something was "off " with your child's behaviour.

So possibly they were discussing how it all makes sense and the child is not " a badly behaved spoilt little shit " ?

Iwasafool · 07/05/2023 13:46

cansu · 07/05/2023 13:40

That doesn't make it OK to tell people he has a diagnosis if you've been asked not to.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 07/05/2023 13:49

@Nevereverinamillionyears - I don’t think it matters what the information was, or why you and your ds didn’t want it widely known yet - your friends were told something in confidence, and were clearly asked to keep it private, and they did not do so - and you are not being unreasonable to be upset by this!

ily0xx · 07/05/2023 13:49

Surely the ODD is the much more concerning diagnosis than ADHD? I thought ADHD was pretty common.

Original poster

Nevereverinamillionyears · 07/05/2023 13:51

Thanks Justprance, that's exactly it.

His behaviour is pretty much ok in school, and those I told were surprised - fwiw the teacher was surprised herself with the diagnosis. It's mainly a home issue, and very challenging for us.

The context appears to have been that two women I'd told individually, and asked to keep private, started discussing it in front of several others I hadn't told. This is what the third party told me. She's a person of integrity I've known for a long time but hadn't seen to share the information with in person.

If they were concerned, what help is it to have shared private information? Neither has even asked me since how he or I am.

OP posts:

NotAHouse · 07/05/2023 13:52

OP, don't indulge the trolls here just looking to rile you up.

Dontlistitonfacebook · 07/05/2023 13:54

Of course these friends should not have shared the information!

But people can be careless about other people's info.

Spookysnake · 07/05/2023 13:54

Three can keep a secret if two of them are dead. Your own silly fault for telling anyone in the first place.

Original poster

Nevereverinamillionyears · 07/05/2023 13:57

Thanks to all who read my concerns and tried to help.

I'm signing off now as I don't deserve to be made feel a bad parent on top of everything else. My child is not ashamed, he's just working through feelings, maybe a little bit slower than some of you do, but that's just him, and that's fine. Luckily I do have some lovely kind friends who get this.

OP posts:

kittensinthekitchen · 07/05/2023 14:06

You shouldn't have mentioned the diagnosis was ADHD here, OP. There's still so much judgement over it, that's never dealt with properly here.

RegainingTheWill2023 · 07/05/2023 14:15

You are absolutely right OP. It's your ds's information to deal with as he chooses.
My dd is autistic. She's incredibly 'positive' about it and works as a peer mentor supporting other young people. She still chooses when, how and to whom she shares her personal information.
And there are plenty of times when her autism massively impacts her life. It doesn't matter two hoots how 'common' asd is nor how 'positive' anyone is. It's her diagnosis and her right to share or not share.
The idea that getting to grips with a lifetime neurodevelpmental difference is no issue at all because its 'just' adhd is thoughtless at best

TortolaParadise · 07/05/2023 14:33

They shouldn't be gossiping but.... people do. A very limited consolation but at least it is trueful and not made up vindictive malicious lies. Very small consolation I know.

Hellodarknessmyoldpal · 07/05/2023 15:01

OP your friends shared private information about your son that you asked them not to. No way is this at all acceptable, no matter what anyone else's opinions on the matter are. It is his diagnosis to process however he is able to.

There is a lot of age appropriate books now about neurodiversity that may help him to understand himself better. I'm glad you have good support from other more understanding friends.

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