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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Friends toddler

32 replies

SpringHexagon · 07/05/2023 09:23

This is more of a wwyd I think, I'm getting a little fed up.
I meet my friend a few times a week for toddler groups, soft play, or walks to the park. Friend has a 3 year old son and 1.5 year old daughter, my daughter hasn't long turned 1.
My friend's son will push his sister over, run up behind her and throw himself on her so that she falls and he lands on her, he throws stones at his mum and sister, tries to draw on my dogs back with stones, pulls my dogs hair, acts like he is going to hold my daughters hand and pulls her fingers, uses hard plastic toys at the toddler groups to hit other toddlers, and actually slapped the back of my leg the other day.
I am a getting fed up with my own daughter and dog being hurt, and it is so horrid hearing his sister scream when he even starts to move in her direction.
My friend gives into him a lot, I get it must be hard trying to cope with 2 toddlers, but it really is making me not want to spend time with them anymore. Does anyone have any advice on how I can deal with this? If I try to tell him off I just get a blank stare and he runs off to do something else, so clearly still too young to comprehend.

OP posts:

Hellodarknessmyoldpal · 07/05/2023 09:25

Does your friend acknowledge any of this behaviour? What does she do when you tell him no?

DunkingMyDonuts · 07/05/2023 09:25

Back off from the friendship. It will only get worse.

But before you do, PLEASE say something as to why you are, at least to try and protect her daughter. Poor little girl.

Tumbler777 · 07/05/2023 09:27

Avoid this person. Her child can do no wrong, keep your child away from them both before your child gets seriously hurt. At 3 he can comprehend that it is fun to hurt others,

I knew someone with a similar child .. she got very angry with people who kept their kids away from him ... it was the other kids fault that they overreacted ..

Anotherusernameagainitseems · 07/05/2023 09:29

Giving the hurt child/ dog lots of sympathy and attention can help. Giving the bully lots of attention when he is not doing bad things can also help. I would not allow my own child or dog to be hurt. If it happens go home immediately and explain why. This could prompt the mother into action.

MRex · 07/05/2023 09:30

A 3yo is not too young to understand not to hurt others. You need to tell your friend that now he's 3 it's time to work on his behaviour. If she ditches you for being blunt, then so be it.

Thebigblueballoon · 07/05/2023 09:33

I honestly wouldn’t continue with this friendship. Your friend is enabling her bratty toddler and he’s only going to get worse. Tell her exactly why you won’t be attending future play dates, she needs to hear it.

Original poster

SpringHexagon · 07/05/2023 09:33

She sometimes acknowledges it and gives him a very mild telling off in my opinion, and doesn't say anything if I have told him off. I think she struggles with him and doesn't know what to do, but I can't let it affect my daughter anymore. She has been a good friend to me and I feel terrible because it feels as if I am backing off at a time where she could do with help.

OP posts:

Hellodarknessmyoldpal · 07/05/2023 09:38

Op you sound like a good friend. If she was asking you directly or telling you she is struggling then thats different. You are perfectly reasonable to distance yourself or just meet up without the kids. If she asks why you could tell her gently that your daughter/dog is struggling with being pushed and hurt.

Thebigblueballoon · 07/05/2023 09:41

SpringHexagon · 07/05/2023 09:33

If she’s a good friend otherwise, I’d perhaps find the time to socialise her without the kids. I’d be honest about the reasons why though.

pictoosh · 07/05/2023 09:51

Unfortunately in these situations your obligation is to your child.
I have been where you are...a friend who is an ineffectual parent with a little one causing havoc. It is hard.
It's one of those times when you have to be a grown up and make the call, despite knowing it will upset your friend. Horrible I know...but life will throw in curve balls that don't have a simple solution.

Be honest and kind.
Make it clear that you value her friendship and would very much like to keep it.
Accept that she may be too offended/hurt/embarrassed to reciprocate for the time being and possibly forever.
Like I say, it's very difficult but your loyalty is to your own children.

OneLittleFinger · 07/05/2023 09:56

If your dog reaches the end of their tether and retaliated that's it for your dog. Protect your dog, and your daughter, by staying away.

Original poster

SpringHexagon · 07/05/2023 10:01

Oh I know, I quickly put a stop to it and don't generally tend to meet with my dog, he is old and gentle but he ends up terrorised. I decided to start leaving him at home and take him a separate walk later as from his reaction the other day I think he's scared of said toddler.

OP posts:

YourMommaWasASnowblower · 07/05/2023 10:07

I would avoid meeting up with her until your kids are older and in school. I have a friend like this - her child used to hurt my child, take his toys off him, break his toys, and was a general PITA. She never stopped her child doing it and would blame my child/other children instead. No one was even allowed to react.
I only meet her on my own now. Your child has to come first before the friendship.

Notimeforaname · 07/05/2023 10:08

Just tell her!! "The way your son hits my daughter and dog is getting too much for me and them, can you please try to stop him from hurting them or we will have to see each other without the children"

TheSnowyOwl · 07/05/2023 10:09

I’d stop meeting up with her when you have your child and dog with you. Just say you child gets too upset with her son so you are keeping her away from all older children for now.

Notimeforaname · 07/05/2023 10:09

It's ok to not want your child and dog to be hurt. It's even more ok to tell the person who has control over it.
Speak up for them!!!

Fraaahnces · 07/05/2023 10:10

You have a responsibility to your kid. She must wonder why you repeatedly leave her in harms way like that. I would say something to her. My brother was like that all his childhood and nothing will convince me that he didn’t know exactly what he was doing. He grew into an equally malicious and disfunctional adult. (Who had the doting mother who protected him from consequences.)

blahblahblah1654 · 07/05/2023 10:12

Tell her and stop meeting up with them. He could really hurt your daughter.

SiouxsieSiouxStiletto · 07/05/2023 10:13

Does anyone have any advice on how I can deal with this?

It doesn't sound like she's addressing his behaviour at all. Does he go to Nursery or Preschool at all? Could you meet up with her whilst he's there?

If he doesn't I think I'd be encouraging her to send him.

Notimeforaname · 07/05/2023 10:13

My brother was like that all his childhood and nothing will convince me that he didn’t know exactly what he was doing. He grew into an equally malicious and disfunctional adult. (Who had the doting mother who protected him from consequences.)

Theres a lot of research that shows if you dont adequately socialise your child by the age of 5, they will grow up being disliked by children and adults and acting like an uncivilized shits.

Redlarge · 07/05/2023 10:15

Thebigblueballoon · 07/05/2023 09:41

If she’s a good friend otherwise, I’d perhaps find the time to socialise her without the kids. I’d be honest about the reasons why though.

Show quote history

I had to do this. I only see her without her child now.
She doesnt discipline him and hes vile. When ive spoken to her about him or even when shes asked for advice she completely backs up the child. Its got to the point where i dont even give advice anymore cos its pointless.
The child is older now. Never gets invited to partys, parents complain when hes paired up with them for school projects and she still thinks its everyone elses fault.
Hes going to grow up to be a horror.

CherieBabySpliffUp · 07/05/2023 10:20

You can still be there for your friend but at a time when he isn't around. Assuming that she isn't a single parent you can see her when the father is looking after the children or as he is 3 I'm assuming he is in nursery so you could maybe see her when he is there if you aren't working.

Original poster

SpringHexagon · 07/05/2023 10:25

Bit of a stretch you saying I repeatedly leave her in harm's way. I try to let her socialise with my friends daughter in soft plays, then friend's son will run into the toddler bit and I have to lift my daughter (which although he looks too big he is technically a toddler and allowed in the same area I suppose). On walks my daughter is in the carrier on my front and I will try and take her hand away as if I haven't noticed him reaching for her fingers. These are things I generally only let happen to her once. Please don't turn this around on me as being bad to my daughter, I am trying my best to let her grow up alongside my friends daughter, but am starting to find it too difficult now with her son.

For the poster asking about pre school, he does attend pre school almost full time, and spends alot of time in the company of other children, it's part of why I don't understand why he's like this.

OP posts:

Regholdsworthswaterbed · 07/05/2023 10:29

Personally I'd tell him off myself if he was hurting my child or mistreating an animal, but many parents don't take kindly to this.

SiouxsieSiouxStiletto · 07/05/2023 10:30

For the poster asking about pre school, he does attend pre school almost full time, and spends alot of time in the company of other children, it's part of why I don't understand why he's like this

Are you able to socialise with her whilst he's there? Has she mentioned if the Nursery have raised any issues about his behaviour?

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