To think I need help?

[dearalcohol]

I have posted on Mumsnet a few times and then deleted the next morning. I am going to give a full disclosure and would appreciate your honest opinions.

I had a lot of trauma in my childhood, was drinking alcohol socially with my friends from age 11. Now being 30 and having a 10 year old, this opens my eyes to just how young I was when my relationship with alcohol started.

Throughout my teen years it was a nightmare, I was drinking, having sex with anyone that would have me, fell pregnant 3 times between 15 and 17 (ended in terminations), went homeless at 16, was 'passed about' by men about 20 years my senior. At 19 I moved on to drugs, however, luckily I used these socially and they never became a problem for me. It was always alcohol.

At 20 I was pregnant and then had my daughter. I had postnatal depression and really hated being a mum for many years. I was so selfish and just felt like I was missing out and wanted to party.

At 23, I seemed to settle down. I lost my full time job I'd had since 18 and decided to go to college. I went to college did an access course then hnc and hnd. Was still drinking a little but nothing out of control. The summer between my hnd and 3rd year uni, I developed a really bad problem with alcohol.

I was drinking every single day, morning to night, I stopped eating lost so much weight, daughter lived with her dad for a while.

I got help, did counselling and somehow managed to get 6 months of sobriety under my belt.

After 6 months I started drinking again but it did seem to be much better, like once a month or so.

Fast forward 3 years. I made some rules for myself, I won't drink two nights in a row and I don't drink when my daughter is here. I managed to stick to this.

I'm now 30 (almost 31) daughter is back with me full time. To the outside world I am very functional. I drink about once every 2 weeks when my daughter goes to her dads for the weekend.

I am doing my masters in social work and working in addiction. Giving these people advice that I can't follow myself.

So basically, every second weekend my daughter goes to her dads, I just drink and drink and drink. I count down the days during the week until I can drink and am moody when I know I have a while to go.

When I am drinking I end up blacking out. I send really inappropriate messages to men, offering sex and hate myself the next morning.

The weird thing is I feel I'm in a really good place in every other place in my life but alcohol has this hold over me. It's the only time I don't have to think. I can never escape my thoughts.

Alcohol isn't ruining my life or really effecting it as I only drink every few weeks. However when I do drink I black out and make a fool of myself.

But because I don't drink often I wonder if I still need help?

Your an alcoholic and need to go sober. Have you admitted this to yourself?

On the contrary; alcohol IS ruining your life and alcohol IS affecting your life.

I'm sorry you are going through this but you need to open your eyes. You will never be able to have a healthy relationship with alcohol because you are an addict.

Please, for the sake of yourself and for the sake of your child, get some help.

Will be rooting for you.

Well,you are an alcoholic. That’s why it’s got a hold on you. Do you understand this?

I don't feel like an alcoholic though. I have felt like an alcoholic in the past and I reached out for help because my life was literally on the floor, but I am managing to function really well my control my drinking which makes it harder for me to seek help.

I almost feel like I have to reach rock bottom or something awful needs to happen to want to do something about my drinking. And obviously I don't want that to happen.

It isn’t about feeling like an alcoholic. You either are or are not. You are. You sit and count down till you can drink. You’re grumpy when it’s a while away and as soon as you’re able, you drink and drink and drink. And with that comes behaviour that’s unhealthy. Offering men sex. I assume as you’re lonely.

but yes. You’re an alcoholic.

That's exactly what an alcoholic would say. You 100% know this.

You are an addict. Get some help.

You are an alcoholic, until you actually accept that you won't be able to move past it.

Well, if the term itself (alcoholic) is not useful to you, then at least you can admit that alcohol is problematic for you, that you’re a binge drinker and when you start it controls you - you behave in ways that negatively affect you.

If you’re counting down till you can drink, making bargaining rules about when and where etc then it’s taking up so much brain space. Is it worth it? What if one day you do something whilst drunk when your daughter isn’t with you, but it’s something that means you lose her again? Or she loses you?

You're a high functioning alcoholic, but still an alcoholic.

I also think sending inappropriate messages to men and offering them sex will cause you problems if it hasn't already

It has, it's ruined work relationships, friendships, relationships, not to mention how utterly cheap and desperate I come across.

What sort of ‘rock bottom’ do you think you need to suffer to be worthy of admitting you can’t use alcohol and would have a happier life free from its control?

You’re an alcoholic and you’re drinking. You’re doing I credible damage to your health, and making risky decisions that could put you in danger.

Can you refer to your GP and go back to counseling?

Unfortunately, until you face up to the reality and recognise that you’re an alcoholic, you’re going to keep justifying your own behaviour.

Alcohol is such a powerful addiction. You’ll need help to break it.

I had an issue with binge drinking when sometimes (once every few months) I'd not know when to stop. I didn't consider myself an alcoholic or even a binge drinker as I could sometimes have one or two but the times where I got drunk and acted like a dick and woke up worrying about what I'd said and done meant alcohol was ruining my life. You've done amazing for your daughter but give up completely for yourself. You won't regret it.

I remember you posting previous threads asking whether it's possible to have a healthy relationship with alcohol despite all the symptoms and behaviours that you have listed above. I remember people begging you to get help before you lost your daughter completely.

The fact that you have now posted an almost identical thread should be enough to tell you what you need to know.

You deserve better and your child deserves better.

Hi OP. There's an Alcohol Support topic on here. Just search and go over and have a look. Post there to ask for advice

I am so sorry for all you have suffered. Alcohol is not the cause of your problems, it is a symptom. I would suggest having trauma focussed psychotherapy. Learning how to relate to your trauma, and alcohol, is likely to be your life's work. But it is worth it, both for you and your daughter.

I recall you from previous posts.
You were in denial then and it sounds as though you still are.
I identify with a lot of your experiences - most - and the fact that you are still drinking to blackout is clearly problematic.

You are an alcoholic - and the only answer for many is to become sober.

What advice would you give a friend in your situation? Or client (as a social worker?)
Regardless of whether you have an issue with alcohol, it sounds as though the trauma from your teens hasn't been dealt with.
Can you seek private psychotherapy?

do you honestly think anyone who can take or leave alcohol has to make rules about how much they drink and how often?
the not drinking every day is a red herring, you are a problematic drinker and it's a progressive condition so it's only going to get worse unless you get some proper help.

You have lost your daughter once, is the thought of that happening again not enough?

Rock bottom is just wherever you decide to stop digging.
Do you want to wait until you've lost everything? Alcoholism is a progressive illness and if you keep on drinking you will just get worse and worse.
I'm a 33 year old recovering alcoholic. I got sober 5 and a half years ago. I go to AA and I couldn't have done it without it. My life is great today and my don't ever feel like drinking. I couldn't go 2 days without before.
Alcoholism likes to tell you that you don't have it... it's cunning that way. So it doesn't really mean anything that you don't "feel" like an alcoholic. You wouldn't. denial is very powerful.

Does it really matter if you consider yourself an alcoholic? I mean, you’re drinking heavily every 2 weeks and offering yourself up to men. This not the behaviour of someone who is mentally healthy. You need to get some help to unpick why you think so little of yourself. I’m sure you are worth so much more than you think you deserve.

For some people, no degree of alcohol use is safe. I think you are one of them. There is no shame in that.

In answer to your question - yes, you do need help. It's good that you are on some level admitting this. Alcohol is cunning, baffling and powerful and has managed to convince you that you are in control. You're not. Lots of alcoholics can go for weeks or months without the stuff, but they are still white knuckling it until they cave in. It's affecting you in all kinds of ways, all negative.

Try AA. You have nothing to lose and can always go back to your current method of "controlling" your intake.