To think I need help?

[dearalcohol]

I have posted on Mumsnet a few times and then deleted the next morning. I am going to give a full disclosure and would appreciate your honest opinions.

I had a lot of trauma in my childhood, was drinking alcohol socially with my friends from age 11. Now being 30 and having a 10 year old, this opens my eyes to just how young I was when my relationship with alcohol started.

Throughout my teen years it was a nightmare, I was drinking, having sex with anyone that would have me, fell pregnant 3 times between 15 and 17 (ended in terminations), went homeless at 16, was 'passed about' by men about 20 years my senior. At 19 I moved on to drugs, however, luckily I used these socially and they never became a problem for me. It was always alcohol.

At 20 I was pregnant and then had my daughter. I had postnatal depression and really hated being a mum for many years. I was so selfish and just felt like I was missing out and wanted to party.

At 23, I seemed to settle down. I lost my full time job I'd had since 18 and decided to go to college. I went to college did an access course then hnc and hnd. Was still drinking a little but nothing out of control. The summer between my hnd and 3rd year uni, I developed a really bad problem with alcohol.

I was drinking every single day, morning to night, I stopped eating lost so much weight, daughter lived with her dad for a while.

I got help, did counselling and somehow managed to get 6 months of sobriety under my belt.

After 6 months I started drinking again but it did seem to be much better, like once a month or so.

Fast forward 3 years. I made some rules for myself, I won't drink two nights in a row and I don't drink when my daughter is here. I managed to stick to this.

I'm now 30 (almost 31) daughter is back with me full time. To the outside world I am very functional. I drink about once every 2 weeks when my daughter goes to her dads for the weekend.

I am doing my masters in social work and working in addiction. Giving these people advice that I can't follow myself.

So basically, every second weekend my daughter goes to her dads, I just drink and drink and drink. I count down the days during the week until I can drink and am moody when I know I have a while to go.

When I am drinking I end up blacking out. I send really inappropriate messages to men, offering sex and hate myself the next morning.

The weird thing is I feel I'm in a really good place in every other place in my life but alcohol has this hold over me. It's the only time I don't have to think. I can never escape my thoughts.

Alcohol isn't ruining my life or really effecting it as I only drink every few weeks. However when I do drink I black out and make a fool of myself.

But because I don't drink often I wonder if I still need help?

I don't think you have an problem with alcohol as such, more that you use those weekends to self harm and alcohol is part of that. Like you cant let yourself be happy because you dont feel you deserve it or something.

I'd seek emotional counselling because I think if you fix the feelings then the alcohol problem will fall into place. Good luck X

Sorry to hear of your trauma. EMDR therapy can be really effective for trauma could you afford that? (£65 a session near me).
I think AA would help you. You’re a “dry drunk” it sounds like or are doing “white knuckle sobriety” : you’re sober for longer periods but it still has a hold on you, and you use it in a damaging way. It’s part of the AA definition of an alcoholic.
Im sure with help you could tackle this, you’ve overcome a lot before but not fully dealt with everything.

Sound like you have come an amazing far way. I really hope you can be kind to yourself and seek more help.

For me it is impossible to fight negative behaviours, from a place of self hate and loathing. Your pattern of self destructive behaviour need to change you deserve better op

I remember your previous threads too, and I know I posted then (different username though).

I really feel for you, I recognise exactly what you mean about feeling like it allows you to switch off those thoughts.

I am an alcoholic and have now been in recovery for 10 years. I had a couple of relapses in the first couple of years, but have been completely alcohol free now for around 8 years. I was honestly in a really bad way, I was a nightmare to be around and I was lucky to have so much support and family and a DH who stuck with me through it all.

You know exactly what you need to do, which is stop drinking alcohol forever. It seems scary and impossible, but your life will be so much happier without it. I thought I would never enjoy anything, ever again when I first thought about stopping drinking, but I was wrong. Instead of "treating" myself to a drink, I "treat" myself to not humiliating myself, to feeling healthier, to having the respect of my DC (who were young enough not to remember me drinking, which I count myself incredibly lucky for), to never having to wake up and look at my phone to cringe into myself at who I've called or texted, or at what I've posted on social media. I treat myself to being a brilliant Mum, to being a fantastic wife (at least DH says so!), to being a supportive friend and a thoughtful daughter.

You have all the tools you need. You have all the contacts you need. You CAN do this, you just have to make the decision. Stop telling yourself "I can drink if I follow this rule and that rule" - you can't. You're clearly very unhappy with your drinking and if anything else was making you this unhappy, you'd stop doing it, wouldn't you? I know it sounds easy written down, but I have actual, lived experience of this and I know that once I was really, truly honest with myself and made that decision that I was never going to drink again, I did it. You can too. Good luck