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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Feeling sad about being left out

55 replies

Quandary45 · 06/05/2023 19:03

New mum woes!

In-laws are here staying with us to celebrate MIL and DH's birthdays.

PIL, SIL and partner, plus my DH have all gone out for a fancy meal this evening, leaving me and 3 month old DD behind. SIL booked the restaurant and made the plan without asking first, and we were invited - but there was no way this place would be welcoming to a baby so young, on a Saturday night. If I were another patron I probably wouldn't want one there either.

Just a bit sad to be left at home. I'm EBF so can't/won't leave DD with anyone yet, which I guess is my choice. I am probably BU but just wish they had thought to book something for the daytime/somewhere more child-friendly.

OP posts:
Modaboutyou · 06/05/2023 19:41

Astralitzia · 06/05/2023 19:34

So you weren't left out, you were invited, but you assumed that the baby wouldn't be welcome so you ducked out. DH offered to change it but you declined.

I get it's a bit of a downer, but I think this one is entirely of your own making.

Agree with this. I work in a fine dining restaurant with a dress code (not relevant in my opinion, but you mentioned this) and children are more than welcome. Generally, most babies that come in just sleep, it's more the toddlers to be wary off!
Did you dall the restaurant to ask?

Wallywobbles · 06/05/2023 19:43

Mine always slept in the car seat through meals out up until about 9 months.

Original poster
Quandary45 · 06/05/2023 19:58

@Modaboutyou @Astralitzia I know, my bad for not checking with the restaurant and mainly this is my own doing. I should have called, but I probably made the right choice staying in - DD has been on me since 6pm and it wouldn't have been much fun for me. It would almost be easier for me to go out after 9pm at this stage.

OP posts:
helloimnew123 · 06/05/2023 20:05

3 months old is the perfect age to go out for a posh dinner. At that age they mainly sleep and aren't much bother. Next time I would just go and roll with it. X

Bluebells1970 · 06/05/2023 20:07

It's really shitty that they booked somewhere and left you at home full stop.

But you were silly not to say this. I hope that next time, you will.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 06/05/2023 20:08

At 3 months I could have brought DS and enjoyed a lovely meal. A year later, no way José.

MammaTo · 06/05/2023 20:08

I think it’s a bit thoughtless of SIL maybe? I have a baby same age and all went for a family meal in a posh restaurant but they’d booked the private dining room so it was just family who could play pass the parcel with baby and I was so happy they had thought ahead for us. So although it was your choice not to go I completely understand where you’re coming from, it’s such a massive change in lifestyle when you’re used to doing what you want basically.

Starhead69 · 06/05/2023 20:09

YANBU but at least you don’t have to spend time with in laws.

TheSnowyOwl · 06/05/2023 20:10

Unless children are specifically banned, I would have gone and ordered something I could eat whilst nursing or arranged with DH that we would stagger eating and rocking outside if necessary.

I think you have probably come across as quite rude by not going and should have communicated better that you assumed you weren’t going and enjoyed an evening of peace at home.

KrasiTime · 06/05/2023 20:10

I don’t understand why you didn’t go? It wasn’t late & even some smart restaurants accept bf babies. I used to take mine at that age.

Isthisexpected · 06/05/2023 20:14

I think it's very rude to use your home as a base then exclude you for your own husband's birthday celebration. My husband would not have gone he would have suggested a 5pm dinner if given notice. Some posters don't seem to recall that young babies just want to spend the evening cluster feeding whilst mum sits topless feeling like a milk machine.

Original poster
Quandary45 · 06/05/2023 20:22

Isthisexpected · 06/05/2023 20:14

I think it's very rude to use your home as a base then exclude you for your own husband's birthday celebration. My husband would not have gone he would have suggested a 5pm dinner if given notice. Some posters don't seem to recall that young babies just want to spend the evening cluster feeding whilst mum sits topless feeling like a milk machine.

@Isthisexpected pretty much nailed my feelings! I should have suggested an earlier time, but really I couldn't imagine going into town on a Saturday night, to a really upscale restaurant, with everyone dressed up and having to breastfeed the whole time. Jealous of all of you who have managed this!

OP posts:
TheYearOfSmallThings · 06/05/2023 20:22

I think you have probably come across as quite rude by not going

No, in fairness the SIL should have asked before booking. It isn't rude to say "You guys go and have fun, I'm not sure baby would behave and I don't want to risk it."

justwantobeamum · 06/05/2023 20:24

My baby is now 13 months but was exclusively bf so I get it, but at that age I would have either gone or dh would have discussed with me and if we didn’t think suitable (there was a while we couldn’t do anything between 4pm-10pm as he just cried but can’t remember what age) and he would have said to his family “7pm doesn’t work for us” I think you’ve tried to be a bit of a people pleaser. If it was just for MIL bday I might have accepted and stayed home with the baby if I didn’t want to take him but if it was also my husbands birthday the plans would need to either suit us as a family or wed all not go. I can’t imagine dh would have wanted to go without me so I think yours is a bit selfish

Ducksurprise · 06/05/2023 20:34

I get it. I wouldn't have wanted to go either. But you have to stop being a doormat, otherwise resentment will build.

Say, sorry that doesn't work for me/us. Use your words and put your needs first. People aren't necessarily thoughtless they just forget. Even posters on here saying 'it was fine with a three month old just wait till they are toddlers' are forgetting the drudgery, the leaking, the baby cry.
When babies are small the world needs to fit around them.

Isthisexpected · 06/05/2023 20:37

Quandary45 · 06/05/2023 20:22

@Isthisexpected pretty much nailed my feelings! I should have suggested an earlier time, but really I couldn't imagine going into town on a Saturday night, to a really upscale restaurant, with everyone dressed up and having to breastfeed the whole time. Jealous of all of you who have managed this!

Show quote history

I'm glad you feel I get it OP. Some breastfed babies just don't do evenings out. One of mine would cluster feed 7-11pm every single night from 8-16 weeks, and at other times too in the first year. Can't think of anything worse than trying to go out with an unsettled baby who is punching the boob/shouting at it/hopping on and off all night fussing about!

ScottishBetty · 06/05/2023 20:37

Just wanted to add a message of solidarity! My daughter is 3 now and I still vividly remember those first few months. No way would I have been up for getting dolled up and sitting in a fancy restaurant with a baby stuck to my breast all night (or worse, popping on and off while I tried to make polite chit chat with in-laws with a nipple hanging out). To the people who managed this, good for you, but try to resist the urge to tell OP this is her own fault please.

Original poster
Quandary45 · 06/05/2023 20:42

Thanks @ScottishBetty

@justwantobeamum @Ducksurprise good advice for next time.

I think I'm sad because if I had been the organiser, and my host couldn't make plans for any reason, I would rearrange and find a way to make it work. I (wrongly) assumed the same would happen with them but it never did. I need to stop being a doormat and tell people what I need.

OP posts:
Suprima · 06/05/2023 20:44

Quandary45 · 06/05/2023 20:22

@Isthisexpected pretty much nailed my feelings! I should have suggested an earlier time, but really I couldn't imagine going into town on a Saturday night, to a really upscale restaurant, with everyone dressed up and having to breastfeed the whole time. Jealous of all of you who have managed this!

Show quote history

I mean, you didn’t even try it.

We enjoyed lovely meals out with DD when she was that small. Especially with family. I breastfed. Just pass the baby down the table for snuggles and enjoy a glass of wine and your dinner. Take the comfiest chair and have a nice soft pashmina over you when you feed if that makes you feel more comfortable.

i’m not trying to kick you when you are down. Just give it a go and enjoy an early night out. These breastfeeding potato baby stages are great. Give it 6 months and THEN you will really struggle to do stuff like this as they want to be on the move and kick off at being in the pram too long.

we are stuck with family friendly places for a few years now. I’m pleased we had some nice dates and the family parties. Enjoy this time.

Champagneobsessed · 06/05/2023 20:50

We used to take our babies at that age to nice restaurants and they pretty much slept all the time. Your SIL hasn’t done anything wrong but it is a shame for you. Could you express some milk in advance next time and give that to the baby in a restaurant? Hope you have lovely cuddles with your little one and maybe a takeaway tonight…

W0tnow · 06/05/2023 20:53

Sissynova · 06/05/2023 19:41

You’re SIL wouldn’t have done what though? Invited you to a meal at 6/7pm latest?
The OP wasn’t left out, she was invited and chose not to go.

Show quote history

She wouldn’t have booked a fancy restaurant for a family event when I had a tiny baby.

Be honest, hypothetically, would you have organised such an event in the same circumstances? I wouldn’t you at least have checked with the new mum?

We all know how difficult even ‘good’ babies can be in the evenings.

GlitteryGreen · 06/05/2023 20:56

I understand OP. My baby was a nightmare in the evenings around that age, we couldn't have gone for dinner, a lunch would have been way more suitable.

I have similar frustrations with my DP's family sometimes. I have a 7mo that's the youngest grandchild by about 8 years and it sometimes feels like they've forgotten all the adjustments they used to make for the older children through the years (earlier meals, suitable activities etc).

Don't get me wrong, I don't expect people to plan everything around her, but a bit of consideration goes a long way when you've already got so much to stress about with a baby.

W0tnow · 06/05/2023 20:56

Ok. I’ve just seen that it’s your husband’s birthday. I think both he and his sister have been utterly thoughtless.

maryberryslayers · 06/05/2023 21:04

You can take tiny babies absolutely anywhere. Mine went to really nice places, Michelin star etc, it's not like they are going to start running around! If they cry just pop them on the boob!
Sorry to say but you left yourself out.

TakingTheCake · 06/05/2023 21:08

I generally think that if you are staying with someone and planning something for everyone to do together, it is best to discuss the plan with everyone before booking, to make sure it works for everyone.

It might well not have been intended to exclude you. But this could have been avoided with a conversation.