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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if I should be concerned about my BF’s reaction?

61 replies

Seagullschips · 06/05/2023 16:54

I’ve been with my BF for 2 years but known him 3 as we work together. He split from his 3 years ago- has barely spoken to her since but does sometimes see her in social situations as they have same uni friends a couple times a year. They get on ok but don’t seem to like each other.

Anyway, BF found out last night that his friend is now dating his ex and has been for a few months. BF has been absolutely what I would call devastated for the past 24 hours. Going from upset to angry, saying he feels disgusted and betrayed. That both of them should go f themselves. He doesn’t want them seeing each other and he wants to put a stop to it. That it’s going to cause him anxiety and pain if he ever sees them together.

I sort of let him get on with it last night thinking by this morning he would feel better but this morning we were suppose to go to a street party with friends and family and he refused to go saying that he’s “depressed” and “hurt”. Refusing to even come out and socialise and has stayed home.

I went out without him and again have just messaged asking if he wants some food and he’s said “he can barely eat”.

I don’t really know how to react to be honest. This isn’t a close friend of BF and his ex is hardly around and I feel a bit confused and miffed he’s acting like this.

I’m not sure how I’d feel about my friend dating my ex but I can’t imagine cancelling my whole weekends plans for it!

So AIBU if I go home and tell him to get a grip? We are all 34 btw! Not teenagers!

OP posts:
coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 06/05/2023 17:37

PurpleSky09 · 06/05/2023 17:34

To be fair I don't think I'd like it either if I found out my ex was with one of my friends, even if I wasn't that close with the friend anymore. I know it's totally unreasonable of me, I just think it'd piss me off and I do think I'd dwell on it for a while.

But would you stop eating and text all your friends about it?

Being upset or a bit pissed off is one thing, but his reaction is hugely OTT.

Shoxfordian · 06/05/2023 17:38

It sounds like he still has feelings for her to be this annoyed about it

Original poster
Seagullschips · 06/05/2023 17:41

for those that would be bothered if their friends were dating their ex? Can I ask why? That’s what I cannot get my head around.

OP posts:
Irritateandunreasonable · 06/05/2023 17:41

Oh no, fuck that.

I would put my foot down and tell him if he dared embarrass me or humiliate me by saying something we would be over.

I would feel betrayed and uncomfortable if my ex got with one of my friends but I would just distance myself from them.

What I would NOT do is make my current partner feel so insecure by telling him I couldn’t eat or leave the house. He sounds utterly heartbroken.

He’s not me so I’m sure he reacts differently but he’s totally disrespecting your relationship by behaving like this - it’s far to much imo.

SleepingStandingUp · 06/05/2023 17:42

affor · 06/05/2023 17:04

I disagree. Id be pretty pissed off in a friend of mine dated my ex, especially behind my back.

Pissed off, OK. Crying, refusing to eat or leave the house to his partner?

Krabappel · 06/05/2023 17:43

Seagullschips · 06/05/2023 17:41

for those that would be bothered if their friends were dating their ex? Can I ask why? That’s what I cannot get my head around.

If it was soon after (matter of months) of course you might wonder if they'd been eyeing each other before.

But we're talking years here. And another relationship. Way too invested.

Jobhuntings · 06/05/2023 17:44

Very, very strange and a huge over reaction.

Question for you - is he generally quote dramatic? Are things all about him?

SleepingStandingUp · 06/05/2023 17:44

I think I'd be telling him given he's clearly not over his ex, you're giving him the weekend to decide whether you have a future together, pack my bags and book myself somewhere nice.

Irritateandunreasonable · 06/05/2023 17:45

PurpleSky09 · 06/05/2023 17:34

To be fair I don't think I'd like it either if I found out my ex was with one of my friends, even if I wasn't that close with the friend anymore. I know it's totally unreasonable of me, I just think it'd piss me off and I do think I'd dwell on it for a while.

I would as well, it’s weird.

I think it depends on the seriousness of the relationship and the closeness of the friend.

Eg - Was with my ex for 10 years, had 3 kids. Me and my friends at the time were like family. It would be very uncomfortable for me if they got together, I would feel angry.

I would not act how he is acting - it’s way to much. I would just deal with it with dignity and respect to my current partner - it certainly wouldn’t stop me leaving the house and stop eating - that’s heartbreak shit.

IncompleteSenten · 06/05/2023 17:49

He's bleating on about respect but point out it's hugely disrespectful to you, his current partner, to be obsessing about this and wanging on about being hurt because it screams he still wants her.

AgnesX · 06/05/2023 17:50

There was a thread yesterday from some bloke who wanted to shag his friend's ex. and wanted to be told basiclly that it was ok. And was told that really it wasn't a good idea.

I think this illustrates that men can be dog in the manger. As for you, tell him to have some courtesy towards you and to give himself a shake.

SunshineAndFizz · 06/05/2023 18:05

Seagullschips · 06/05/2023 17:41

for those that would be bothered if their friends were dating their ex? Can I ask why? That’s what I cannot get my head around.

It's icky.

I'd wonder if they liked each other while we were together. I'll have to hear my friend talking about her/ see her more often. It might change things I talk to my friend about in case it got back to my ex and I didn't want her to know. Rightly or wrongly I'd compare in my head - are they happier, how come I couldn't make it work and he can.... list goes on.

Original poster
Seagullschips · 06/05/2023 18:16

SunshineAndFizz · 06/05/2023 18:05

It's icky.

I'd wonder if they liked each other while we were together. I'll have to hear my friend talking about her/ see her more often. It might change things I talk to my friend about in case it got back to my ex and I didn't want her to know. Rightly or wrongly I'd compare in my head - are they happier, how come I couldn't make it work and he can.... list goes on.

Show quote history

Thank you, that helps with the understanding a little. I haven’t gone home yet but expecting him to be a right moper!

OP posts:
Newnamenewname109870 · 06/05/2023 18:18

Was it a really bad break up?

FangsForTheMemory · 06/05/2023 18:23

Which of them broke it off?

blackbeardsballsack · 06/05/2023 18:31

I would be annoyed if one of my friends started dating my ex, and it would make me feel a bit weird. But I wouldn't express my annoyance to them, as they can do as they like. I also absolutely would not be moping and flailing about on hunger strike and cancel social events. I'm single too, I think that my already mild annoyance would be much, much milder if I had a partner.

Dulra · 06/05/2023 18:35

I can understand why you would be annoyed. Someone you thought was in your past is back in your present, you are back hearing about them, your suspicious of your friend did they fancy them when you were with them. I think it is possible to move on and love someone else but still be hurt/ scarred by a past relationship and maybe it has brought a lot of emotions back to him which he'd buried.

My sister invited my ex to her wedding, he had become friends with her dh. I was so annoyed about it not because I felt anything for him I was engaged to my now husband at the time, I just didn't want him back in my world. I still haven't forgiven her 18 years on 😂

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 06/05/2023 18:38

The thing that strikes me is the saying that 'the opposite of love isn't hate, it's indifference.'
He clearly hasn't reached that 'indifferent' stage yet. Maybe he never will, or maybe he's got a bit of a possessive streak that says 'what was mine, remains mine'. Either way, it's not good.

junebirthdaygirl · 06/05/2023 18:45

Is he annoyed that now his ex will be mixing in his social circle and that will be awkward for him. Or do you think he may have discussed stuff..private stuff with his friend about his feelings for his ex and now hates that they may talk about it. I could understand if he recently broke up with his ex but three years!

Original poster
Seagullschips · 06/05/2023 18:49

Thank you all. Of course, this is someone he used to be with so I expected a slight reaction or annoyance.

I think for me it’s this whole panic of “I can’t believe his is happening” that I cannot get my head around, also I hated having to lie today in his absence that he’s ill when really he’s moping over his ex but could not bring myself to tell our friends and family.

I do feel disrespected but a part of me just actually feels embarrassed more.

Their breakup was mutual, and he said he was always glad to be done with her because “she’s nuts” etc and he’s been avoiding opportunities to see her such as their mutual friends weddings etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
Seagullschips · 06/05/2023 18:51

junebirthdaygirl · 06/05/2023 18:45

Is he annoyed that now his ex will be mixing in his social circle and that will be awkward for him. Or do you think he may have discussed stuff..private stuff with his friend about his feelings for his ex and now hates that they may talk about it. I could understand if he recently broke up with his ex but three years!

They don’t regularly see each other but they are in the same group chat…and we last saw her in April at a friends wedding so she already runs in the same social circle as him/us and it’s never been a problem. They have a lot of mutual friends and since I’ve known him, she’s always been there so it’s not like for me it’s a sudden appearance of an ex.

OP posts:
imSatanhonest · 06/05/2023 18:56

Seagullschips · 06/05/2023 18:49

Thank you all. Of course, this is someone he used to be with so I expected a slight reaction or annoyance.

I think for me it’s this whole panic of “I can’t believe his is happening” that I cannot get my head around, also I hated having to lie today in his absence that he’s ill when really he’s moping over his ex but could not bring myself to tell our friends and family.

I do feel disrespected but a part of me just actually feels embarrassed more.

Their breakup was mutual, and he said he was always glad to be done with her because “she’s nuts” etc and he’s been avoiding opportunities to see her such as their mutual friends weddings etc.

In my experience if a man says his ex is "nuts" it's usually him who sent her that way. Red flags waving in the wind here.

Newusernameaug · 06/05/2023 18:57

This is a really weird and out of order reaction which would make me question your relationship.

I have experience with this too. In 2020 I met and fell in love with someone, it was a whirlwind romance and I ended up pregnant very quickly. I miscarried at 11 weeks and we broke up.
we stayed friends and 6 months later he visited me and my best friend of 15 years also joined us.
that night I noticed the chemistry between them but said nothing. A few weeks later they got together (it took her 6 months to tell me but I knew) and they’ve been together ever since.

my friend has a really hard time dealing with it and feels majorly guilty however I’ve said I’m really happy for them.
I love both of them, they’re both great people and were both single - I’d made it clear after the miscarriage that I wouldn’t get back together with my ex ever (for other reasons) so why shouldn’t they be together? So no, his reaction isn’t normal!

towriteyoumustlive · 06/05/2023 18:59

Seagullschips · 06/05/2023 18:49

Thank you all. Of course, this is someone he used to be with so I expected a slight reaction or annoyance.

I think for me it’s this whole panic of “I can’t believe his is happening” that I cannot get my head around, also I hated having to lie today in his absence that he’s ill when really he’s moping over his ex but could not bring myself to tell our friends and family.

I do feel disrespected but a part of me just actually feels embarrassed more.

Their breakup was mutual, and he said he was always glad to be done with her because “she’s nuts” etc and he’s been avoiding opportunities to see her such as their mutual friends weddings etc.

Are you sure he is over his ex?

I can't think why anyone would react in such a way unless they still harboured feelings!

Chowtime · 06/05/2023 19:00

Tell him his focus needs to be on you, not her. When was the last time he brought you a bunch of flowers?