Sick to death of people having to comment on me

[Aaarrrrghhh]

'She's shy isn't she'

I am in my early 30s and work in a care home in a senior position.
Today I've made endless phone calls, welcomed numerous visitors, spoken to people from external agencies and so on. I have been told I'm doing a good job and no concerns have been raised.

We had a lady who fell very unwell and her daughter was quite upset, so I consoled her.

On the way out this daughter was speaking to a colleague of mine. She was asking him if he could call x agency in regards to her mother and then I heard her whisper to him 'I don't think I should ask that lady to do it, she's a bit shy isn't she.'

I'm the one who literally called her to inform her her mother was unwell.

I couldn't be bothered conversing with her after that.

I hate how only one type of personality is desired, and that's outgoing. I am quieter but I don't think that should matter. I think I speak clearly and have confidence in what I'm saying.

I am a little shy sometimes but as I say I communicate a lot in my job which does help. I just hate how it's always commented on by people negatively, it honestly makes me feel so ashamed.

You would never say 'Oh don't ask her/I don't like her/ anything negative because she's outgoing/loud/chatty.'
I know I'm just ranting on but I've had this my entire life and it's driven me to the point of depression.
That's why I'm going for a WFH job. It makes me not want to leave the house. I'm probably being dramatic but what am I supposed to do. I've actually come to despise the word shy.

She was very rude to say that in front of you, but I wonder why she said it? From what you've said you very efficiently dealt with everything including calling people - so how has this woman picked up on you being shy? I wonder if your body language is giving away how you really feel and the lady picked up on this. She was clearly having a very stressful time so perhaps cut her some slack. It made me feel sad for you though that you use the word ashamed to describe how you feel about this. I don't really know what to suggest but I think you are probably overthinking why people comment on your shyness.

😱.

"You'd be so much nicer if you would your unasked for opinions"

"Filter your unasked opinions".

How unbelievably rude.

What is it about some people thinking its open mike on the weight of others

I was rushing back and forth with paperwork, phone kept ringing etc. Taking notes from paramedics, I didn't think I had time to be 'shy!'

I think you’re hugely overthinking this. This woman is worried about her mother, hurting your feelings was not a priority for her at the time and it was unlikely that any offence towards you was intended. People say silly things when they’re stressed. What she said doesn’t even really make sense tbh, which is indicative that she probably wasn’t thinking straight or trying to cause you any distress. You don’t need to turn it into an attack on your personality and link it to unrelated incidents.

in health or care settings, sometimes service users prefer one carer over another and that’s okay - you haven’t done anything wrong.

I’m in my 20s and a bit of a party person, but I’m also quiet at times and happy to be sat on my phone vs conversing with a hair dresser for example. As a result, some people say that they can’t imagine me going out as I’m quiet. I don’t take offence to it. It’s good to be able to adjust your communication style to different people.

Please don't feel bad about yourself. We can't all be the same, and there is nothing wrong with your personality.

I get where you are coming from though. There are a lot of big personalities where I work. I'm good at my job and work hard, yet I feel my manager misinterprets the fact that I am not the loudest person in the room, for weakness.

It's not weakness. It's because I pick my battles, and I think that life's too short to make a problem out of everything.

If something is important to me, I'll fight to the bitter end for it, but it seems that some people enjoy drama and a constant battle about everything just for the sake of it.

It was understandably stressful but luckily her Mum started to make great progress.

I get it is maybe body language. I'm not a person who has a lot of 'banter' (hate that word) with complete strangers.

But yet she did know you were...? You're really insistent that you're a great communicator and that it's some sort of prejudice that people keep bringing it up but if the way you communicate is resulting in a lot of comments like this then it may not be as effective as you think.

That's really odd! And very annoying too. I think it's only very confident people who have this attitude. They just don't get quiet people. They can't understand them so they feel suspicious and uncomfortable.
I've had this too. I'm shy and quiet and have had many comments over the years such as "Oh you're quiet!" or "You need to say more". I'm actually very chatty most of the time but in certain situations I'm quiet. So what? Why can't someone be quiet if the my want?

so how has this woman picked up on you being shy?

not relating this to the OP, but sometimes it’s saying things like “um, ah, I think” a lot - ie coming across as unsure. Also it could be from body language, being fidgety or flustered. Coming across as overwhelmed perhaps

No, don't give up!
I was called 'shy' and 'quiet' by a series of gob shites throughout my 20s and early 30s. Despite the fact that I can chat to literally anyone, can host a table of clients at an event, can drive high profile projects and manage a complex network of stakeholders at work.
I've been given feedback in the past to say I need to be more outgoing, and that I need to shout more loudly about my achievements and so on.
I rejected it all, safe in the knowledge that my introverted personality type is actually valuable in a work place - I listen to people, think deeply about things and make observations! I'm highly competent at what I do in my corporate role. And by not running my mouth off for 4 hours a day, I have more time to get shit done!
I'm now a senior manager and very respected by my peers and senior leadership.

This - nail on the head. Nothing wrong at all with being generally quiet. As long as you do your job and talk when required, just crack on and ignore people like that! I'd far rather someone was quietly confident and did their job properly than someone gobby who talks the talk but doesn't walk the walk!

Sadly people's views aren't going to change. I can't give an answer sadly on why she thought what she did, I'm not a mind reader .
It's not going to change and sadly it does affect me. I do think WFH will help me.

It is an extroverts' world and always will be, in the UK especially. They'll get the odd person who finds them too much or whatever but generally they'll always be more people, have more friends and more opportunities. Just seems to be how the world works

Be more popular*

I would have been annoyed as well, OP, because being 'shy' isn't the same thing at all as being 'frightened'. If you were truly frightened of doing your job you probably wouldn't be in it for very long!

Well if you know of a colleague who has called other people quiet, and they aren't, surely that tells you they are incorrect?

And perhaps this woman today spoke to your colleague because he's a man, and had an old-fashioned, misplaced view that a man would hold more authority getting what she wanted done?

I’m fairly outgoing and confident myself but I can see in this situation you got on with what needed to be done calmly and competently. That’s better than running around in circles, throwing up your hands in horror and rending your garments!

How do you "wfh" in your job?

This sounds very much what I was thinking and has been written so eloquently.

It takes all sorts to make the world go round and you sound very capable at your job. Vacant conversation or jibber jabber is most irritating. Don't worry about others, you continue to be professional and your talents shine through. 👍💐👏

In a previous job I have had a manager criticise my personality. It left me feeling upset and shook my confidence so I know how you feel. I was working in a salon at the time and the manager was a VERY loud shouty sort of person. I was quietly confident and calm. I never had any complaints from my clients and in fact the same day that manager criticised me, a client complimented my personality by saying she felt a wash of calmness come over her when talking to me, it helped her relax and enjoy her treatment more. She also left a lovely review.

Moral of the story is don’t change who you are. Everyone’s different and that’s a good thing. Some people are louder than others, but that doesn’t mean they are better at there jobs than quieter people.

However, what you are feeling is valid, it leaves you feeling shitty being criticised for part of who you are. But don’t try to change. Try to ignore the comments and don’t let it shake your confidence. You sound more than competent in your role.

Yes, our society is more and more designed for extroverts and louder people. It's very difficult, especially as negative comments hardly help confidence.

Perhaps the woman thought the task required someone very pushy, to get what she wanted, and your style was more empathic?

I would have literally replied saying

’i rang you’

nicely obviously but making it clear I’m not then capable of making a phone call.

I get this all the time. Am in my late thirties. Even when I make a conscious effort to be chatty, I STILL get ' She's so quiet' or 'She's really shy.'
Never anything else. It's definitely true that louder people get an easier time of it and don't get judged. People also associate quiet with weak which also pisses me off as definitely not true.