AIBU to think this type of communication is condescending?

[solisetlunae]

I know this person from a group of friends. I met with her for coffee/lunch a few times one-to-one and she seemed very reasonable, even sweet. But when we are in a group dynamic, her tone changes drastically towards me. She questions the legitimacy of what I tell for no apparent reason or try to make fun of what I say. In these cases, I usually respond in a decent, calm manner dismissing her behavior. As an example, couple of weeks ago, she sent a link from a newspaper in a group chat. It was about some subject that I brought up when we met with the group. In the msg, she wrote "<myname>, read this and summarize for us. I found it too long to read." The newspaper link is behind a paywall and I'm not subscribed so I respond back if she can copy-paste and send the article I'll be interested to read. Now, I'm still thinking if her style is really condescending or not? If yes, how to handle such condescending communication? I can cut her out of my life, no problem, I don't think I'll miss her at all but I wonder in general, if I'm at a spot to experience such communication style, what is the best way to deal right away? If my style gives the other person the encouragement that I can be a doormat, I want to change that.

I would have either ignored here message or sent a childish "lol" but I spend a lot of time on fighty Twitter so I'm possibly not the best judge.

But, she sounds rude so I'd have no hesitation in either swerving her or telling her she was rude.

*her

She's not polite that's for sure. I think she is semi interested in the topic but doesn't have the capacity to do the legwork. She is deferring to you so not patronising. Have you got another example?

It's more rude and bossy than condescending, I'd say

I’d ignore something that rude; or maybe reply, ‘have you tried reading the wiki page on it?’

Really weird behaviour.

Why did you respond to it as if it were a legitimate request?

As another example, when we were together with the same group, I mentioned about some hardship with my DS's high school experience. She and others' kids are at least 6 years younger than mine. After I talked, she made a comment like "years later, we will remember something like Xxx talked about something and we'll ask ourselves what was that all about". She basically implied that what I talked had no relevance to them. Others in the group was talking about subjects equally if not more irrelevant and she was completely fine with them, she was even sympathetic towards them at times.

It's hard to say from the one example but I don't think she was being condescending. I think she was rude.

Sounds like she was suggesting she thinks you're a know-it-all.

She just sounds like a pain in the arse and a complete cow. She’s probably jealous of you and insecure.

I just couldn’t be arsed with someone like that. I’d either just cut them out or ask them outright what their problem was and tell them they were acting like a prick (but I bet you a million pounds that she would then play the victim and make a meal of how nasty you were to try and turn everyone else against you).

I shouldn't have.. absolutely bugs me a big deal. I think I fear retaliation for no apparent reason. this has a lot to with my toxic mother and narcissistic family dynamic while growing up. I'm working on it, I have progressed a lot but still have work to do. I feel clueless especially in group dynamics.

I don't find either of your examples condescending.

In the first one, she's deferring to your superior knowledge on a subject.

In the second one, she's saying that in a few years they'll all be trying to remember the experience you were sharing, because it will be relevant and pertinent.

Really irritates me that people don't just ask for clarification at the time if they don't like something that someone has said. It could be a misunderstanding or easily sorted, but instead people go away and stew, making up intentions.

I was just going to say exactly what electric said re both examples. That’s how I read them too

I would have just ignored the first example and not replied. It’s done now though

This. I think you’re being offended without any legitimate cause in both examples. In your shoes, I’d be wondering what was making me misconstrue communication that actually depicts you as knowledgeable.

I think it’s really hard to know without knowing her and seeing the interaction. But I would trust your gut which tells you she is being condescending or unpleasant - especially if you can see she is different in a one on one than group.

I have a similar friend who is absolutely lovely one on one - we have been friends for almost 20 years. But in a group she is a dick to me. It has affected the friendship and I see her rarely now, even one to one, as it has made me question what she really thinks of me. If I wrote the examples down they probably wouldn’t seem that bad, but I KNOW she is is doing it.

In the first example she’s being high-handed, speaking to you as if she were your boss. That’s not appropriate. In the second example she seems to be dismissing your experience or at least minimizing it. I would avoid her in future and would not reply to her off-tone messages.

Agree, you sound thoughtful & articulate, she sees you possibly as a threat? In every group so often an ‘alpha’ & one they (love to) mock. Don’t give much energy to the sort of responses you outline.

I read the first example ("<myname>, read this and summarize for us. I found it too long to read") as: she is saying you are cleverer than her, as she can't read long articles and you can, and that you can summarise them too.

I'd probably reply with something like, "🤣 I only wish I had the time to read long articles, also this is behind a paywall and I'm not paying!"

I don't really understand what she was saying in the second example.

"years later, we will remember something like Xxx talked about something and we'll ask ourselves what was that all about"

What did she mean by remembering something like Xxx talked about? Why not remember what you actually talked about?

Otherwise, was she trying to make a little joke about the irrelevance of what you were talking about? A bit of banter? If you don't like it, tell her.

Am sure you’re right, but trust you gut too.

Ok second example is invalidating.

I read the first example as her giving you orders. She's certainly not deferring to you. If she had been it would have been something like 'X you are knowledgeable on this topic, what's your view?'. The second just doesn't make sense

Neither example is patronising although she’s definitely blunt.

in the first example she’s deferring to you and asking you to explain something she’s semi interested in. Assuming that it’s a topic you brought up and are knowledgeable about then she’s somewhat bluntly asking your thoughts.

the second example is not so clear but my friends with much younger DC often say something along lines of “remembering this convo” in years to come.

all that said the fact you immediately jump to cutting her out tells me you actually hate her so probably best to cut the relationship and move on

Assuming you've given us the worst examples, they're nothing. That makes me think that the other issues you're alluding to are nothing too.

She may be different in a group. Lots of people are. Or you yourself may be better in 1:1 situations and misconstrue intentions in a group.

I mean, the examples you give are really trivial.

And I still think the second one was a compliment - we'll all be desperately struggling to remember the detail of your experiences in a few years.

She's rude.
I'd respond with

• maybe have a look and if ladybird do a book on the subject, that'd be about your level

This.

Listen to your gut.

For a start don't respond to what she says and svoid her.

Don't waste energy on people who give you a negative vibe.

Avoid.

Life is calmer that way.

We can't change others, we can only change OUR response to them, or avoid them completely.