AIBU to think this type of communication is condescending?

[solisetlunae]

I know this person from a group of friends. I met with her for coffee/lunch a few times one-to-one and she seemed very reasonable, even sweet. But when we are in a group dynamic, her tone changes drastically towards me. She questions the legitimacy of what I tell for no apparent reason or try to make fun of what I say. In these cases, I usually respond in a decent, calm manner dismissing her behavior. As an example, couple of weeks ago, she sent a link from a newspaper in a group chat. It was about some subject that I brought up when we met with the group. In the msg, she wrote "<myname>, read this and summarize for us. I found it too long to read." The newspaper link is behind a paywall and I'm not subscribed so I respond back if she can copy-paste and send the article I'll be interested to read. Now, I'm still thinking if her style is really condescending or not? If yes, how to handle such condescending communication? I can cut her out of my life, no problem, I don't think I'll miss her at all but I wonder in general, if I'm at a spot to experience such communication style, what is the best way to deal right away? If my style gives the other person the encouragement that I can be a doormat, I want to change that.

Some of the comments suggesting that I maybe reading too much into this made me think twice before cutting this person completely. However, as other commenters suggested, my gut feeling tells me something is absolutely not right with this person's behavior. I would like to give another example to see if my gut feeling is justified or if I'm being too sensitive.

At a common friend's birthday party, I was dressed nicely for the occasion, the party was at a rented place, in cocktail style. While talking with two others, someone complemented on my dress. She immediately said that she didn't want to steal the show from the birthday girl so that's why she dressed down. She was looking directly at me while saying these. Unlike most times, I replied that I was dressed for the occasion out of respect for the birthday girl. This interaction didn't bug me as much since I replied the right way at the right time.

I think this is a good example showing her strange behavior without hearing her intonation or observing body language. I don't think she is always jealous of me but at this occasion, she felt inferior and reacted. At other times, she thinks I'm the inferior one and again tries to put me in place in her egotistical mind.

I meant 'complimented'. typo..

She does also sound like a bloody weirdo !

prob just keep her at arms length. I mean who needs friends that they have to dissect all their conversations with. It’s not worth your hassle

The dress comment is her low self esteem. She heard you receiving a compliment and felt dowdy. Maybe she was already feeling that way and the comment made her feel worse. She said she 'dressed down' to justify why she didn't look good. Unless she was dressed in scruffy overalls and had come straight from work, in which case it could've been a joke. She was putting herself down, self deprecating. It isn't about you and it isn't condescending. But she clearly rubs you up the wrong way, so you don't really need a reason to cut her off.

She's a bit of a bitch TBH, I'd be pissed off with her. First example, she's being a lazy arse and treating you like she can click her fingers and do the hard work for her. The other examples sound to me like she's trying to belittle you. I'd steer clear of her

Is she being sarcastic or is she a bit self conscious and genuinely doesn't understand long articles or is she a bit thick and lazy in which case do you actually want the continuation of any relationship? I'd just never respond to one of her comments again, popping up in the chat in response to others. If you want to stay in group, she'll soon get the message.

She’s either a poor communicator or an insecure person who isn’t worth your time.

No idea how to react, fancy telling someone to tell someone they are a prick, yes that's going to help.

Op you could keep your calm and ask her if she meant to be so rude.

As for sending links ignore it. Don't react.

I have a friend who used to think anyone giving another friend a compliment was a slight against her. Your dress example reminded me of it. I’m known for being pretty direct and one time I did just say out loud that other people being complimented wasn’t an attack on her. She looked shocked, I don’t think she realised how she sounded. She has low self esteem, and loves being complimented. My friend is actually a lovely person, and since it was pointed out to her that she was being bitchy, she tries really hard to join in complimenting others. I can see it’s not easy for her and she’s having to override her impulse. I can also tell from it when she’s struggling with her mental health.

my point is, my friend and I are like sisters. It was worth challenging her for me, I knew she would take it from me without damaging the relationship. Is it worth it for you? I wouldn’t take anyone trying to humiliate or belittle me, the question is more whether I could be bothered/ cared enough to challenge it or simply walk away.

Hmm. Not condescending exactly but in your examples she is dismissive and belittling of you. At any rate she is incredibly rude and not worth your time op.

Your 'friend' sounds bossy with poor social skills.
You sound like you have low self esteem. Ditch the friend and try to address your self confidence.

Trust your gut! The examples you have given all hang together, to me. You are describing a person who has set up a competitive situation with you that is completely unnecessary. She brings you into the conversation (the article) in a way that makes you look snooty or big headed; she ‘caps’ your comment on your experience with teens by making you out to be a meaningless bore (‘what was that all about’) and she takes the compliment directed st you and tries to turn it into a negative (nice dress means you were competing with the bride).

These are all very deliberate forms of relational aggression or as others have pointed out : she’s a bitch.

I would work on a couple of standard replies such as
“ Oh, no, I don’t think so, do you?” With which you turn dreamily to others in the group.
Or “could you repeat that, please?”

or simply repeat whatever she said back to her very slowly.

these comments that she makes are meant to be invisible but demeaning. Making her repeat or defend them will make her stop because she doesn’t want to make the covert meaning overt.

She's a bitch. She's trying to undermine you in the eyes of the group. That sort of upbringing primes you to tolerate unreasonable behaviour and to doubt yourself. I would steer clear of her wherever possible, and have your own back. In all these examples, her intention has been to belittle you and bring you down, and to encourage others to view you as lesser. You're not imagining it.