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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say just take me to court?

37 replies

Jackson28 · 05/05/2023 22:13

Sorry if it's a long one and probably not even AIBU but hoping will get responses!

My exP is a recovering alcoholic- we split when DD was 9mo after he relapsed (DD now 17mo). He didn't see DD for about 3/4 months through his own choice. He then started seeing her but started drinking again after a couple of weeks. I was called by SS to say that any contact with him must now be supervised as he had had to go to hospital but had been abusive to ambulance staff so police were called and he threatened to come to my house with a baseball bat.
Anyway he stopped seeing DD again for a few months but has now started seeing her in the last couple of weeks with me there. He's asked today if he can have her for Father's Day to go out for a meal with family. I've said I'm not promising anything as we will take it week by week as agreed. He's come back saying he will just take me to court then as he knows he'll get 50/50 custody.
AIBU to say well just take me to court then? Would he actually get 50/50?

OP posts:
Whichnumbers · 05/05/2023 22:17

Just say
if you feel court is what you want to do to sort this out, then that’s what you must do.

id be very careful yourself if SS have said supervised contact, don’t put yourself in any difficult positions

Original poster
Jackson28 · 05/05/2023 22:19

Yeah I did ask them if I could be the one supervising before doing it and they were happy with that but advised it to be in a public place.

OP posts:
Skyblue92 · 05/05/2023 22:23

Are SS still involved? If so I would recommend speaking to them and asking about getting an official court order that states supervised contact only and when/where/who with. If SS aren’t involved still, I would look at going to court first and getting an order before he can twist anything to suit him

Whichnumbers · 05/05/2023 22:24

But if he takes baby for Father’s Day then would it be supervised?

what are you prepared to supervise? Once a month ?

with SS involved he’s not going to get far, but sounds like hot air anyway

just repeat - if you feel court is what you want to do to sort this out, then that’s what you must do.

Original poster
Jackson28 · 05/05/2023 22:27

SS aren't actively involved just basically said when/if I feel comfortable with him having unsupervised to call them and they will do an assessment but advised they wouldn't pass this until he'd been a year with no alcohol. So it's currently once a week. And yes Father's Day would be supervised by his family but I'll be honest I don't 100% trust them and have a horrible fear they will take her and run which I'm sure is just a massive irrational fear.

OP posts:
Skyblue92 · 05/05/2023 22:32

Jackson28 · 05/05/2023 22:27

SS aren't actively involved just basically said when/if I feel comfortable with him having unsupervised to call them and they will do an assessment but advised they wouldn't pass this until he'd been a year with no alcohol. So it's currently once a week. And yes Father's Day would be supervised by his family but I'll be honest I don't 100% trust them and have a horrible fear they will take her and run which I'm sure is just a massive irrational fear.

It might be worth giving them a call anyway, explain what you’ve said on here and ask what the next steps are. They may say you need to go to court first and have the court order assessments which would be on both or they may say they’ll do them anyway

Pixiedust1234 · 05/05/2023 22:34

Since SS have already been involved i would speak to them first and see if they can offer any guidance. Since he's a recovering alcoholic I wouldn't trust him, nor would I trust him to explain to his parents that SS what him supervised when he has the baby. Alcoholics are known for their plausible lies, dont risk your child with him.

Hankunamatata · 05/05/2023 22:35

I'd just reply OK. And very much doubt 50:50 when social services have advised supervised contact, if he even bothers.

coffy11 · 05/05/2023 22:36

Hankunamatata · 05/05/2023 22:35

I'd just reply OK. And very much doubt 50:50 when social services have advised supervised contact, if he even bothers.

Agree. He won't take you to court.

BeeCucumber · 05/05/2023 22:37

Good idea to speak to SS. The Ex can threaten to go to court - I doubt he actually wants 50/50. He’s not exactly Dad of the Year. Once an alcoholic - always an alcoholic- it’s a condition with no cure - in my sad experience.

Thequeenofwishfulthinking · 05/05/2023 22:46

As suggested give ss a call for advice. He’s not got a cat in hells chance of getting 50/50 currently.
I used to work in this area for 15 years before going into teaching. I keep up to date with recent developments but can’t provide you with professional advice currently.
Id consider getting legal advice too as a contact centre sounds more suitable for supervised contact considering the comments he is making. He’s going to apply pressure on you and play with your emotions. Your worry he may take your child is valid. Whilst unlikely it’s possible. A big concern would be around driving. Does he have a history of drink driving? You don’t trust his family and this is also a valid concern as their loyalties will lie with him.
Don’t agree to anything. Tell him you’re seeking legal advice and referring matters to ss. He will probably back off.
Going forward, you supervising contact us going to be problematic.If he’s likely to keep drinking he won’t be thinking rationally. I personally wouldn’t agree to any of his family members supervising contact. It’s best done in a safe neutral environment without you present. The staff at the contact centre will facilitate the sessions with him and your DD.
If he applies for a contact order through Court this will benefit you and your DD as they have her best interests at heart not his. Don’t be afraid or intimidated by the court process it’s there to protect and safeguard her. Wishing you all the best with this.

AnotherEmma · 05/05/2023 22:54

You should offer him contact at a contact centre, and stop supervising it yourself.
Listen to your gut, you don't feel comfortable allowing him unsupervised contact (ie without you or a neutral third party - his family doesn't count) and SS have advised that it should only be supervised.
If he did want to go to court he would usually need to show that he's tried mediation first. So if you are feeling generous you could suggest that. But I expect they are probably just empty threats.
I think SS will advise from a safeguarding pov but not from a legal pov. If he continues to push for unsupervised contact you will need legal advice. Child Law Advice has a helpful website and helpline.
Was he ever abusive towards you?

Soapyspuds · 05/05/2023 22:58

Listen to your gut, you don't feel comfortable allowing him unsupervised contact (ie without you or a neutral third party - his family doesn't count) and SS have advised that it should only be supervised

100% this

Forget his feelings. Only think about this situation with respect of your daughters well being.

SkyandSurf · 05/05/2023 23:03

Follow the SS advice. Get it in writing if you can.

He's not to see her outside of supervised contact.

Let him apply to court, you can just explain what you've said here, and then you'll have a court decision backing you up in the future.

leopardprintismyfavourite · 05/05/2023 23:04

I would speak to social services again.

If he takes you to court, court will ask if there’s been SS involvement anyway, it won’t harm your case to be flagging it.

If he takes you to court, you want to be able to demonstrate you didn’t put your daughter in harm’s way and that you don’t think he’s suitable to be in charge of her on his own (ie, you think he’s a risk to her) so I would stick to a contact centre.

Having been through supervised visits being done without a contact centre, it’s an absolute powder keg waiting to explode and it doesn’t to your co parenting relationship any favours, nor yourself any favours in terms of stress level, to go through it.

kicking · 05/05/2023 23:05

I dont understand how social services have dictated contact arrangments when they have no legal standing to do so. I believe they can only stop contact for 7 days legally before having to seek a court order.
The only advice I have ever been given by social services is we can not stop contact however if you as mum feel they are in danger you can stop it yourself. Only a judge in a family court can make decisions regarding contact arrangements, social services can advise xyz but it is not enforcable, a judge would ask for any evidence from social services but it is cafcass that actually do all reports etc for the judge, they would meet with you, your ex and then ask for any police reports and social service reports regarding the child, they then give the judge their reccomendation, judges usually go with their reccomendations but do sometimes go against the advice given

Rainbowqueeen · 05/05/2023 23:06

I agree that contact should be at a contact centre.

I would not agree to Father’s Day with his family supervising. You don’t trust them and it’s a Disney dad show off event. How is that in DDs best interests.

Contact centre at consistent fixed days and times is best for her.
If SS say his contact must be supervised how would 50-50 be possible?? Not that I think he would go to court anyway. It’s a threat to get his way. What a prince

Original poster
Jackson28 · 05/05/2023 23:06

Thank you all for the advice, will call SS Tuesday (guessing they will be closed Mon). Yes I do think contact centre is the best way as I don't trust his family and it feels like he's threatening court as a way to get me to do what he wants. He has said if he relapsed again then he will step away and won't have anything to do with DD which as much as it will be sad for her it's probably the best thing in the long run!

OP posts:
EllandRd · 05/05/2023 23:07

Tell him to crack on as I'm sure courts love Alcoholics!

Original poster
Jackson28 · 26/05/2023 06:36

Little update... he's taking me to court. He's not actually put on the form what he wants he's just put 'decide who spends time with child'. Also it asks if there's any issues with alcohol/drugs and he's put no!! I have an interview with cafcass in a few weeks time so will of course tell them. SS advised me to reopen the case they had to ensure the court know it needs to be supervised. I have a consultation with a solicitor today but I have had no idea what to even ask! I feel like he's going to get contact with it being supervised with his parents which I really don't want I would want it in contact centre but I'm fighting a losing battle aren't I?

OP posts:
DisquietintheRanks · 26/05/2023 06:45

If you have reason to think that contact supervised by his parents wouldn't be safe then you can ask for it to be supervised by a contact centre - but if it goes well at the contact centre then they are likely to recommend contact supervised by his parents as a logical next step. That said, no need to preempt anything. If he goes via the courts it will take months and you will be able to see if he is able to stay sober and stay the course.

Original poster
Jackson28 · 26/05/2023 06:55

Yes I have a feeling he thought it would be done in a couple of weeks but the first hearing where we don't attend isn't until the start of July

OP posts:
CabernetSauvignon · 26/05/2023 07:14

Does he have solicitors or as he started the case by himself?

FarmGirl78 · 26/05/2023 07:17

To reassure you, IF he gets contact then it'll likely be in a contact centre. And it'll likely be observed and reported (ie someone watching and then writing details of conversion, her reaction to him and how he responds to her). That person might also step in to "support" the session, ie guide the interaction with DD to help him appeal to her or understand her immediate needs.

The need for a contact centre is essential (as your solicitor will advise the court, or you can in your written statement) as you can't supervise contact in your home because he's threatened you physically.

With his track record you'd ask for repeated alcohol testing to cover a minimum of 6-9 months.

Not a cat in hells chance this man will get 50:50.

Hollyppp · 26/05/2023 07:35

Jackson28 · 05/05/2023 23:06

Thank you all for the advice, will call SS Tuesday (guessing they will be closed Mon). Yes I do think contact centre is the best way as I don't trust his family and it feels like he's threatening court as a way to get me to do what he wants. He has said if he relapsed again then he will step away and won't have anything to do with DD which as much as it will be sad for her it's probably the best thing in the long run!

This seems very wise.

i wouldn’t agree to baby going with his family. The supervisor needs to be a professional from SS, you or a member of your family

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