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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To say just take me to court?

37 replies

Jackson28 · 05/05/2023 22:13

Sorry if it's a long one and probably not even AIBU but hoping will get responses!

My exP is a recovering alcoholic- we split when DD was 9mo after he relapsed (DD now 17mo). He didn't see DD for about 3/4 months through his own choice. He then started seeing her but started drinking again after a couple of weeks. I was called by SS to say that any contact with him must now be supervised as he had had to go to hospital but had been abusive to ambulance staff so police were called and he threatened to come to my house with a baseball bat.
Anyway he stopped seeing DD again for a few months but has now started seeing her in the last couple of weeks with me there. He's asked today if he can have her for Father's Day to go out for a meal with family. I've said I'm not promising anything as we will take it week by week as agreed. He's come back saying he will just take me to court then as he knows he'll get 50/50 custody.
AIBU to say well just take me to court then? Would he actually get 50/50?

OP posts:

Original poster

Jackson28 · 26/05/2023 07:48

No the form says he has no solicitor but he may have had advice as there's a lot that will do free 30 mins ect. Yes that's another reason I would want contact centre is the drug/alcohol testing. I have first appointment with solicitor today which I'm hoping will make me feel a bit better as I'm currently so stressed and thinking worst case scenario but I know that's just me overthinking! X

OP posts:

THisbackwithavengeance · 26/05/2023 08:35

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Dappy55 · 26/05/2023 08:46

Ignore that mean comment above. I know someone who was in exactly this position, yes the court process was painful but they will not award 50/50 given his issues and rhe fact that he has never been the main care giver. They will award contact though, you can argue for this being jn a contact centre but that will only be for so long. Just to warn you that carcass seem to be very pro absent fathers even if they are alkies and druggies

ThatOnePlease · 26/05/2023 09:05

I think court and SS involvement may be the best thing for you and dd. It will be much clearer what is and is not allowed, and how relapses will be monitored. He is inviting much greater scrutiny of his life and his family's suitability as supervisors, and that's a win for you.

Stickstickstickstickstick · 26/05/2023 09:05

@THisbackwithavengeance but you’re not a judge so your judgement is irrelevant 👍

FirstBirthday · 26/05/2023 09:09

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But they won’t, because of the advice from SS. Mum is acting on the last advice she had from a branch of children’s services.

Also, he’s used Father’s Day to pull at the heart strings. A judge will think nothing of it.

My advice to OP is to be absolutely crystal clear about what you want for your daughter when you speak to Cafcass. Cafcass make written recommendations to the court and I think I read once that judges go against Cafcass recommendations in less than 10% of cases.
So, if you explain to Cafcass that father has bouts of sobriety, followed by serious relapses that could endanger your daughter if it happened during unsupervised contact. And that this was explained to you by SS, they will consider that very carefully.

One last thing is that Cafcass will not just be looking for a “right now” solution. They will want to find ways that dad can work his way up to contact outside of a contact centre. This may be in your daughter’s best interests too, as she grows older. Contact centres aren’t pleasant places for anyone. So have an idea of where your line is, and be firm on it. For example, would you be okay with it working up from 1hr a week in a contact centre to 2hrs per fortnight in McDonald’s with his parents there the entire time? Judges take a very positive approach to any parent that is looking to further a child’s relationship with the other parent as far as possible, without endangering the child.

Make it very clear to Cafcass that your ex can never ever see her unsupervised. You need those words to be written down by Cafcass as a recommendation, if you want the judge to sign off on it.

DemonicCaveMaggot · 26/05/2023 09:17

Given his history I doubt he would get 50/50.

In the US there are supervisor visitation centers where children can be dropped off to visit with one of the parents while a social worker or therapist watches the session from outside and it is video and audio recorded. There are rooms with toys and games for the children and parent to play with together. The custodial parent drops the child off at one door, the visiting parent is let in through another so the parents don't even see each other.

Is there anything like that in the UK? I am just worried if he has already threatened you with violence when you weren't there, what happens if he threatens you when you are? What if you are there with his family and they gang up on you verbally?

AlisonDonut · 26/05/2023 09:21

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Family meal with an alcoholic presumably in a pub or restaurant serving alcohol...when he has already recently had to have the police called for his violent outbursts...yeah that's a big 'nope'.

Original poster

Jackson28 · 26/05/2023 09:27

To respond to a few yes I don't expect it to be contact centre forever and to be honest I don't think that would be the best thing for DD. It just needs to been seen that progress in recovery has been made.

OP posts:

zoomiesdrivememad · 26/05/2023 09:30

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Good job you're not a judge then because that's absolutely ridiculous.

An alcoholic father with a family the mother of the child doesn't trust to keep them safe and you'd come down like a tonne of brick.

How stupid.

OP, let him take you to court, get SS involved, nursery/school and whoever else needed. Also you can ask to drug and alcohol test him before any contact as well.

You are looking after the well being of your child and that comes first.

Funny how he wants a fathers day meal like he's dad of the year when you've said he's had sporadic contact.

Hamfish · 26/05/2023 09:38

If I were a family court judge, I'd come down on you like a tonne of bricks for that one

lucky you’re not and most judges are practical and clever people then isn’t it.

THisbackwithavengeance · 26/05/2023 12:44

Stickstickstickstickstick · 26/05/2023 09:05

@THisbackwithavengeance but you’re not a judge so your judgement is irrelevant 👍

It's my opinion which is allowed. Free country and all that. But increasingly on MN posters get upset with anything that's not the party line. But I can see that someone reported it as the comment has been deleted. Hey ho. I didn't insult anyone or swear. I just didn't think the downright refusal by the OP was entirely reasonable.

But posters these days just cannot bear any opinion that's different to the accepted party line.

If opinions are not wanted, then why ask the question?

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