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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Weekend to Myself - Update

33 replies

IsThisAllItIs · 05/05/2023 08:44

I posted this thread last week - https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4794962-to-want-a-weekend-to-myself?reply=125782976

Basically saying I wanted a weekend to myself to think about my marriage and the issues we are having.

So an update, I told my Husband I was going away for a few days alone, and as expected he wasn't happy about it. He said I should stay home and we can sort out issues together. I said I'm happy to do that but need some space first as all we are doing at the moment is arguing, living in a an awkward atmosphere and then arguing again - round and round we go. So I want a couple of days to break the cycle, both have time apart doing whatever we enjoy (mine will be spent walking, reading, thinking about everything) and then come back together to discuss where we go from here.

My Husband basically said if I go there might not be much to come back for, he doesn't understand why I want a couple of days away, thinks I'm being incredibly selfish and that I shouldn't be surprised if he's not there when I return and that he might not want me.

I feel like this is basically emotional blackmail to try and get me to stay, and not give me the space I need. This is classic him behaviour.

AIBU to still go away after he has said that? Or does that give me more of a reason to go, and just face the consequences when I get home?

To want a weekend to myself? | Mumsnet

In recent weeks/months my husband and I have been arguing a lot. I am generally unhappy in our relationship and feel very under appreciated/like I am...

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4794962-to-want-a-weekend-to-myself?reply=125782976

OP posts:

SiouxsieSiouxStiletto · 05/05/2023 08:45

Do you want to stay with someone who threatens you like that?

bloodywhitecat · 05/05/2023 08:47

You're right, it is emotional blackmail. I would go.

EVHead · 05/05/2023 08:47

I’d be making plans to leave. What a bastard.

Thereisnoname · 05/05/2023 08:51

I'd go and deal with it if he actually follows through. In my experience men say a lot of things that never materialise.

It sounds as if he not worth it anyway if he does up and leave while your gone and you're better off without anyway.

Doggymummar · 05/05/2023 08:52

Of course you go. Why do his feelings trump yours?

Rollonannualeave · 05/05/2023 08:52

Bloody go. Controlling bastard. Expect it to get worse before it gets better. He's losing control.

RuthTopp · 05/05/2023 08:53

That is a watered down classic of ' If you leave me , I'll kill myself ' threat . Said to keep you in your place / emotional blackmail/ control etc .
For me there would be no going back on things. If you tell him you need to get away to think & sort out your head and he still has the same attitude , then he is basically saying he is not prepared to have thinking space for your relationship = marriage over come what may.

Bookworm20 · 05/05/2023 10:09

So he is saying he wants to work on the marriage and you are saying to him
'this is what I need just for a couple of days in order to do that' and hes telling you can't do that, you can't have a couple of days to think about things and take a breath and instead have to do it all his way.... doesn't bode well really.
Sounds like he doesn't like you to actually think too much.

Take your weekend OP. If that is what you need, then that is what you need.
You're hardly asking the world!

SeulementUneFois · 05/05/2023 10:13

"Sounds like he doesn't like you to actually think too much."

Exactly this OP.

Definitely go.

Peridot1 · 05/05/2023 10:13

Absolutely go away for a weeeknd.

I would say to him “I’m sorry you feel that way about me going away but I feel it’s something I really need to do. And just as I would respect your wish to do that if you needed to I hope you can respect mine. And if you can’t well it really gives us both something else to consider.”

And go.

IfICouldIStillWouldNot · 05/05/2023 10:15

You need space and you've explained this so crack on.

If he wants to leave that's because of him and not because you wanted a few days alone.

NoSquirrels · 05/05/2023 10:17

It’s one weekend.

If my husband threatened me with not being around when I came back from 2-3 days away, I’d be sure to stay away longer.

Mabelface · 05/05/2023 10:18

Sounds like he's setting up his own self fulfilling prophecy. If you go, he says there won't be much to come back to to try and control you into staying home. If you don't go, then you'll feel resentful as the arguments will continue. Either way, he's killing any hope that you'll work out.

Go for your weekend. Take the time you need and strongly consider just getting shot of him. No one should try and control the movements of another autonomous human being. He's not your boss or superior!

Bobbinsbirthday · 05/05/2023 10:24

Staying at home and sorting out issues together isn’t working though, is it? Does he mean sorting them out in his favour? It seems that way.
He’s threatening because he’s insecure. Do what YOU need to do, not what you’re coerced to do.

booktokbear · 05/05/2023 11:26

Op, your instincts are correct. I'm sorry he's like this. It's perfectly normal to want space, in good times or bad.

He should be respecting you, not threatening to leave. It's definitely emotional blackmail.

Take him at his word and enjoy the freedom it will bring you.

LittleOwl153 · 05/05/2023 11:32

Absolutely go. Infact I'd probably be using thebtime to plan my exit.

That is what he is afraid of - that he is loosing control of you.

AntoniaMacaronia · 05/05/2023 11:34

AIBU to still go away after he has said that? Or does that give me more of a reason to go, and just face the consequences when I get home?

Of course you're not unreasonable to still go. Don't let his threats stop you making YOUR decisions.

Consequences - do whatever you need to do to keep yourself safe.

slowquickstep · 05/05/2023 11:57

And with that comment from him i would be out the door for good not just a weekend. You deserve someone who cares.

Softoprider · 05/05/2023 11:59

I would not just be having a weekend to myself OP. I would be off to get a life

FernGully43 · 05/05/2023 13:55

If my husband said that to me, my answer would be "if that's how you're going to act then I'll be more than happy with you not being here because I won't be coming back anyway"

Honestly, op. Go have your weekend. And seriously think about if this is what you want to live with forever...

SchoolShenanigans · 05/05/2023 13:56

Even more reason to go. Take back some power and do what YOU want.

He doesn't get to make every last decision.

wtfisgoingonhere21 · 05/05/2023 14:14

Book a few days away op and go

He cant tell
You or demand or threaten anything.

Tell
Him to grow up and maybe his attitude towards you is one of the reasons you really need some headspace to think of you still want to be married to him

jeaux90 · 05/05/2023 14:23

Book a wellness weekend to focus on yourself and your thoughts. If he has objections on you doing that, investing in yourself and your life you already have your answer.

I do understand why some women worry more about being on their own or being lonely, or the investment they already made but I can assure you, life as a single woman is so much easier than being in a shit relationship.

He sounds like a controlling arse.

dizzydizzydizzy · 05/05/2023 14:23

RuthTopp · 05/05/2023 08:53

This! In spades.

Thesharkradar · 05/05/2023 14:41

If someone says it's my way or the highway you should always take the highway.

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