Who is being unreasonable in this situation?

[WotATwot]

Husband and wife, they share two children and husband has two older children from a previous relationship that wife has known since they were 5&7 and they are now teens. The two shared children are young still.

Wife gets a large payout for an accident she was in (no lasting issues but pretty horrible at the time) and says she wants to keep it aside for help toward a house deposit or uni each for their two children so puts it in their bank accounts.

Husband thinks this is unfair because they are very unlikely to be able to do the same for his older children and neither is their mother. He thinks even if it's not a similar amount, DSC should be given some help if the younger DC are going to receive so much.

Husband thinks there is a theme ongoing in the relationship where his wife shows little care for his older children since hers were born and wishes she would want to include them more with things and thinks it's upsetting that she's never seemed to care or shown an interest in DSCs going to uni or having any savings for their futures.

YANBU - wife is right. She should prioritise her own children and is entitled to give what she likes to them without having to even it up.

YABU - husband is right. Wife should give DSC something even if not the same amount to make it fairer.

@milkshakebringsallthebuoystotheyard .

Absolutely spot on!

I don't think the wife is unreasonable to want to prioritise her own DC with her money.

I think it's perfectly reasonable for husband to be sad that his DC won't get the same and that his wife who has been in their lives for so long and probably mostly appears to treat them equally doesn't want to in this case. That his apparently happy blended family has these undercurrents.

I also think this is the sort of thing that breaks a marriage.

How are you managing to sound magnanimous about sharing your partners wealth between all his children. There is no question of that. If OH and I have a child, I absolutely expect his wealth to go between all of his children. Its mine that I have a right to give to just my child.

@Dibbydoos so when you die are the SC in your will, splitting it all equally?

Not her children, not her problem. The older kids have two parents, step-mum is not one of them.

This is also how I’d see it.

If a lump sum came into our household, DH and I would discuss how to allocate it or spend it.

In your scenario I’d expect my own DC to get all of my 50%, and a quarter each of DH’s 50%.

Looking at it as purely your compensation and your sole decision is always going to drive a wedge in a long-term relationship like a marriage, where you agreed ‘for richer for poorer’ because how we organise our finances does have effects - unintended or otherwise - on emotions.

And yet when the reverse of this thread was posted a few weeks ago, everyone was saying the DH was a bastard for not giving his DSC a chunk!

Gotta love MN 😅

Fair does not necessarily mean equal

it may be fair to prioritise those that have less above those that have more in order to try and even things out a bit. I wouldn’t blame him for doing that

I find these situations difficult because it’s hard not to project when I was a stepchild and had an awful stepdad/family who would go out of their way to exclude me. I always just think if you don’t want stepchildren, don’t marry someone who already has children.

In your situation though, I can fully understand why you want to reserve the money for your own children.

@FloydPepper I wouldn't blame him either. However he didn't do that did he? He didn't say I'll start saving for the older kids or get a new policy in place or sell my x,y,z or whatever to make sure my two other kids also get some money /are taken care of. Or he could've started a savings account for them when the were babies.Nope. He just demanded his wife pays and then brought out the emotional blackmail script when she didn't agree.

Here's the thing, a parent that actually cares sorts these things out themselves and make sure they're in place.

Feelings seem natural and reasonable on both sides. It is one of many hurdles with blended families. Perhaps a small amount to older children would be the compromise?

@WotATwot Are you the mother of the two elder children?

I meant that he may choose to do that now, based on 2 of his children benefitting (unfairly in his mind) from an unexpected windfall while 2 do not.

perhaps he’s always treated all 4 evenly, we don’t really know.

my point is, he may react in that way

Of course she will prioritise her own children. DH is just another guilt ridden Dad trying to benefit his first family at his second wife's expense, tell him to jog on.

If his exw won the Lotto would she see op's dc alright? Doubtful

There are two issues.
The money is the woman's to invest as she wishes.
Her injury could come up to bite her on the bum in future and she might not even be able to leave it in her kid's uni fund.
The money could indirectly improve the finances of the older two because their father will need to contribute less to their younger siblings' educaion.

Then there is the issue of the treating all kids with equal attention. The wife should improve and include her stepchildren in her plans and family activities on the days when they are all together.

The husband needs to plan for how his older two will afford to be educated. He should plan with their mother. Who knows? Maybe a grandparent will leave an inheritance to the kids or they might earn a scholarship or the whole family could move to a better location for education...

Dh has 4 dc, and should provide equally for them

Dw has 2 dc and should provide for them

It's up to the DC's parents to provide for their own DC.

The DH has four children to provide for; if he wants his DC to go to Uni and is struggling to pay for that, surely he shouldn't have had more kids? The solution to pay for your first 2 DCs Uni fees is not to marry someone new and get their new stepmom to pay for them, that's gold digger territory.

This isn’t a given. I would try to give all my children equal opportunities in life.
If I was the DH and the older children’s mother wouldn’t be able to give them the big chunk of money the younger ones have I think it’s more appropriate to give my children an even footing rather than making it so some had more advantages.
So if the younger ones had 20k each from their mother I wouldn’t be splitting a further 40k in 4 I would be making sure all children benefited equally at the end of the day and bringing them all up to 20 rather than the two younger ones ended up with 30k and the older only getting 10k.

The mum and dad need to take responsibility for their own kids, it’s not the step mums job to support them, cheeky fuckers trying to make it so.

If his ex came into money would she give some to your kids? Think about that and you have your answer.

I think @extramaturecheddarcheese
If his ex came into money would she give some to your kids? Think about that and you have your answer. says it all

Wife is under no obligation to provide for the step kids.

BUT. They have been on the scene since she met the husband. She has always known they were a part of his (their) family and I would find it very unfeeling and cruel if she didn't include them.

As the husband said, it doesn't have to be equal.

Very arbitrary numbers, but, if it were me and the money was £100k.

I'd maybe give my own kids £40k each and the step kids £10k each. Maybe a bit more for the stepkids depending on other factors, but I think that would be the minimum.

You need to prioritise your own kids. Step-kids will never be yours.

I would also look at your will. Make sure your dc get your full half of any property/savings.

I’d also make sure H doesn’t have access to your payout.