Who is being unreasonable in this situation?

[WotATwot]

Husband and wife, they share two children and husband has two older children from a previous relationship that wife has known since they were 5&7 and they are now teens. The two shared children are young still.

Wife gets a large payout for an accident she was in (no lasting issues but pretty horrible at the time) and says she wants to keep it aside for help toward a house deposit or uni each for their two children so puts it in their bank accounts.

Husband thinks this is unfair because they are very unlikely to be able to do the same for his older children and neither is their mother. He thinks even if it's not a similar amount, DSC should be given some help if the younger DC are going to receive so much.

Husband thinks there is a theme ongoing in the relationship where his wife shows little care for his older children since hers were born and wishes she would want to include them more with things and thinks it's upsetting that she's never seemed to care or shown an interest in DSCs going to uni or having any savings for their futures.

YANBU - wife is right. She should prioritise her own children and is entitled to give what she likes to them without having to even it up.

YABU - husband is right. Wife should give DSC something even if not the same amount to make it fairer.

On here it's said that all money is family money, so the money should be split between the two of them. Then the father gives his four children an amount and the mother gives to her two. When you marry a person who has children then there is an obligation towards those children, they aren't just shacked up together. The step children should get a small amount.

The step children have their own mother as well. DH says their mother wont be able to help them but it shouldn't mean that OP has to compensate for this. The Mother's situation may change, she may receive her own windfall. No one knows what is going to happen in the future.

Agree with previous poster , in a blended family where there are different parents and grandparents involved it's never going to work out equally.

How well does she know the older two? Did they live on the family home? Come over at weekends only? Spend time together like a family?

The difference is they are all his dc.

The step dc have two parents of their own. It’s not op’s fault that they can’t afford to help them in the same way, or get responsibility to compensate for that. Plus if the dsc’s mother had extra money she would categorically not be offering to share with op’s dc and no one would suggest for a moment that she should.

Said yanbu but it depends on how money is shared in family. If H is supporting W then W needs to share windfall. If W earns own money then she can keep it.

She has two children he has four children.

She was in an accident and got a pay out she’s split that between her children. The people saying what if he only gives to the older two, then his an arse because he has four and would be favouring two of them where as the wife only has two children.

Generally money should be shared but an inheritence or compensation payout are a bit different. If it's a lot of money I'd give a smaller amount to the DSC but if the DH's expecting an equal split that's unreasonable.

Excluding any individual moral opinions that exist on here regarding blended families, she is their 'step' parent and has no legal obligations or rights to their upbringing. But is expected to give them a ton of money?

This shouldn't be on the wife to sort out the inequality. If her husband feels so strongly he should step up to level that out. It's not on her to do that.

There is still a very real prospect that they could divorce at some point, she will have then given a load of money to two children she won't see or be in their lives in any real way.

Do DH's older children live together with him and DW? If so then I think it's unreasonable not to share with them. If not then I don't think it's unreasonable. It's just the way of the world for some people to be more financially lucky/unlucky than others.

I will probably inherit a reasonable sum from my parents. It will be ring fenced from our marital accounts and my stepdaughter will not inherit a cent from it. It's not my kids' fault that her mother is not good with money (she's run through 2 sizeable inheritances already). I feel no obligation to her whatsoever.

This makes me so cross. His guilt showing. His children all have the same, two parents, two sets of grandparents. Just slightly different, and possibly with different advantages in life. What happens when his first wife passes, will she be expected to leave her inheritance to all 4- no, will all three sets of grandparents be expected to do the same-no, and any inheritance maybe different for all of them, would the kids be expected to divvy it up- no

if he wants all HIS kids to have the same he better get cracking on saving, for all 4

they aren’t her kids. Both kids have two parents to provide for them, she’s only obligated to provide for her own. I bet she does more than enough for the SC already.

I’d be mighty pissed off if somebody started demanding I give my money to children that aren’t mine.

My little pot of money will only go to my child. Step children won’t see receive anything because they don’t need it. They already received inheritances from their maternal grandparents and their mother and they are substantially richer than me!

I think it’s tricky - I wouldn’t expect my exdh’s wife to share with my eldest in that situation (and she wouldn’t) but I would expect my dh to (and he would)

I think maybe it depends on how much of a “family” they are - my dd doesn’t spend that much time with her dad and his wife so I wouldn’t expect her to treat dd as hers - but dd is part of mine and dh’s family and we both consider we have two children so she’d be treated equally here.

blended families are difficult!

I am a step child. All my step siblings, on both sides have received enough money from their other parent to not have to work for the rest of their lives.

I have not, and never expected to. What I have received I have been incredibly grateful for, as nothing was owed to me at all.

Such is life in blended families.

Presumably your husband's life was also partially affected by the accident? Either by caring for you or helping to fund lawyer costs or whatever? If so I definitely take his point. If he has had literally nothing to do with it at all, then I guess it's up to you. I'd personally probably still give some to step kids but then not tell them how much I was giving their younger siblings

If the 2 older DC's mother came into a large sum of money in a similar way, would she be expected to share it with the 2 younger DC? Very much not.
There seems to be an undercurrent of other feelings which are playing into this, in that the father doesn't think stepmum is always fair. I think it's ultimately the wife's decision, as she was awarded the money for her suffering.

Yanbu. Her money, goes to her kids. If he's so bothered he can go out and earn, beg, borrow or steal the same amount to give to his kids. What a wanker.

Wife and husband earn very similarly and finances are mainly separate (because of the blended family element).

You married him, you take his family.

YABU. Give the DSC some money too.

Seriously!

What is this constant handout expectation about from step mothers. Emotionally, financially, its appalling, especially considering how disgustingly we are talked about on here.

When the older children's mother dies, they will get her house between them. Younger siblings wont see a penny of that. I expect that dad thinks their current house should go four ways as well. When in fact SM's half should go to her children and dads half should go four ways to all of his. It is not the younger siblings burden to share everything with the older children when that doesnt work both ways. Its like older kids having a holiday with mum and a holiday with dad, but dad begrudging SM wanting a holiday with just her children. So that means that older kids get 2 holidays and younger kids only get one.

Same in this instance, if older kids mum got hurt, she wouldnt dream of splitting that money out with the younger two, so why should the step mother give her money away. Saying she "should want to" is just emotional manipulation. And those suggesting dad should redress the balance, that is just as bad. Why should he suddenly find 10k for the older two and neglect the younger, they are all his children and HE has a duty to treat them equally, not just running around after the older two trying to make it up to them.

Absolute begging crap. You want your kids to have more money, give it to them, dont expect another woman to.

Neither are unreasonable. The DH needs to accept he will never be able to make all his kids 'equal'. At the end of the day the wife can do with her money as she likes. The DH would not expect his ex to give his younger DC money if the same happened to her. Ultimately both women are responsible for 2 children and he is responsible for 4.

The older 2 could also get inheritance, gifts etc from his exs family - aunts, uncles, grandparents. Same with the younger from the wifes side. He can't expect all of wifes side to treat his older kids like the younger when his ex's will not be doing the same.

It's part and parcel of blended family. DH can he sad about that, but he decided to have 2 families. Each side of family will ultimately gift to their own side. All he can work towards is him and his side of the family treating all his children fairly.

I agree.

The way you’ve set up the vote is too simplistic, OP.

Remember that DH’s older DC have been effectively disadvantaged by their DF’s choice to have 2 further DC, splitting his resources x4 instead of by x2. He’s allowed to recognise the unfairness, and be sad he can’t do much about it.

You marry someone with kids, you take those kids on, legally not just emotionally.
You divorce someone, and they have kids. You have no legal obligation to those kids, but are your children's siblings.

When my hubby died, his 2 kids from his first marriage and our kids were given the same amount of money. There was no will. I sorted that.