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Original poster

Son is distressed at the thought of seeing his dad and I don't know what to do

44 replies

NameChange900 · 04/05/2023 12:22

Long story short, lots of abuse towards us both (physical emotional sexual towards me, physical towards our son), I left when son was months old. No contact for 4 years. I have opposed contact all the way through court proceedings. Court have ordered it anyway due to him having worked on himself, even though no real evidence of change. I have to go along with contact in a contact centre. I'm guilty of not talking enough to my son about his dad, but it has been hard due to the abuse. I've never said a bad word, he's only 4. I've been trying to prepare him for contact happening by talking about it with him (baby steps). He's really opposed to it. Says he doesn't want to see him, that he wants to stay home, he told me that he doesn't need a dad and that his grandad can be like his dad which I found really difficult to explain to him. I'm just really struggling. Every part of my body wants to scoop him up and say 'it's fine you don't have to go' but I can't, because he will be forced, so I'm just trying to talk positively about it. It's making me feel like he must think I'm just ignoring his fears. I really need some advice on how to tackle this.

OP posts:
Dontbelieveaword · 04/05/2023 12:25

Was he ever convicted, arrested or prosecuted for any of the abuse? Has he got unsupervised contact after 4 years of no contact?

Original poster
NameChange900 · 04/05/2023 12:27

Dontbelieveaword · 04/05/2023 12:25

Was he ever convicted, arrested or prosecuted for any of the abuse? Has he got unsupervised contact after 4 years of no contact?

He was only found guilty in family court. I reported it to the police so there is a record but didn't take it any further as I was so overwhelmed by the family court proceedings. I bitterly, bitterly regret this. The contact is in a contact centre after 4 years of no direct contact (he sends birthday and Christmas gifts when he remembers).

OP posts:
PinkFootstool · 04/05/2023 12:28

That seems very odd language from a 4yo who will have no recollection of a dad. Where is he getting the words from? What does he understand is going to happen at the meeting? Does he think he's being sent to live with his dad?

Ponoka7 · 04/05/2023 12:31

Tell your son that he's such a special little boy that his father would not want to meet him. Tell him that there will be toys, craft stuff etc. I'm sorry that you are going through this. My eldest GC (8) has decided herself on NC. Hopefully he'll slope off, or there will be no abuse towards your son. It's shit that we've got to minimise harm by temporarily letting them off the hook.

Original poster
NameChange900 · 04/05/2023 12:31

PinkFootstool · 04/05/2023 12:28

That seems very odd language from a 4yo who will have no recollection of a dad. Where is he getting the words from? What does he understand is going to happen at the meeting? Does he think he's being sent to live with his dad?

No he knows that it is going to be for two hours in a contact centre (I've explained it as a place with lots of fun toys they can play with) but I think it is all stemming from the idea of being with two people (dad and supervisor) who he has never met (he will have met the supervisor once but hasn't met her yet) for a period of time. He knows he will still live with me. He's never had a dad in his life before, so is likely worried about change.

OP posts:
Original poster
NameChange900 · 04/05/2023 12:33

PinkFootstool · 04/05/2023 12:28

That seems very odd language from a 4yo who will have no recollection of a dad. Where is he getting the words from? What does he understand is going to happen at the meeting? Does he think he's being sent to live with his dad?

Can I ask what words from my post seem odd for a 4yo to use?

OP posts:
shammalammadingdong · 04/05/2023 12:35

PinkFootstool · 04/05/2023 12:28

That seems very odd language from a 4yo who will have no recollection of a dad. Where is he getting the words from? What does he understand is going to happen at the meeting? Does he think he's being sent to live with his dad?

Where's the odd language? He knows what a dad means, and from his pov he doesn't have one. He doesn't want to go and meet a complete stranger who people are telleing him is his Dad. Without his mum or anyone else he knows.

His response seems completely normal to me.

Original poster
NameChange900 · 04/05/2023 12:37

shammalammadingdong · 04/05/2023 12:35

Where's the odd language? He knows what a dad means, and from his pov he doesn't have one. He doesn't want to go and meet a complete stranger who people are telleing him is his Dad. Without his mum or anyone else he knows.

His response seems completely normal to me.

Show quote history

This is what I thought. And by telling him he has to go I feel like I'm ignoring his fears. Of course he has to go and I have no choice in that but I'm worried it just comes across that I'm not listening to him.

OP posts:
shammalammadingdong · 04/05/2023 12:43

NameChange900 · 04/05/2023 12:37

This is what I thought. And by telling him he has to go I feel like I'm ignoring his fears. Of course he has to go and I have no choice in that but I'm worried it just comes across that I'm not listening to him.

Show quote history

Make him feel listened to. Tell him you understand exactly why he doesn't want to, that you understand he is scared, that it's normal and expected and ok. Tell him that he has a father he doesn't know, and that it is time to get to know him now. Tell him that however he feels about it is ok, but that it is happening and you know he will be safe and you hope he enjoys it when he arrives, but that you will be with him straight afterwards for hugs and to talk about it.
Reassure him. Make him feel safe and understood. Be clear that it is happening and you want it to be a positive experience but its ok to feel scared about it.

Dontbelieveaword · 04/05/2023 12:43

PinkFootstool · 04/05/2023 12:28

That seems very odd language from a 4yo who will have no recollection of a dad. Where is he getting the words from? What does he understand is going to happen at the meeting? Does he think he's being sent to live with his dad?

What's odd? Can you explain what you mean?
it sounds like you're disbelieving what OP is telling us. Are you trying to insinuate OP is putting words in DC's mouth?

Original poster
NameChange900 · 04/05/2023 12:49

Dontbelieveaword · 04/05/2023 12:43

What's odd? Can you explain what you mean?
it sounds like you're disbelieving what OP is telling us. Are you trying to insinuate OP is putting words in DC's mouth?

Show quote history

Happy for them to insinuate. I haven't said a bad word to him. I'm fact I've barely spoken about his dad at all which is a mistake I fully admit on my part, but it has been difficult. It's been 4 years and I didn't even know if he would get contact. Didn't really want to talk about our abuser all the time.

OP posts:
PinkFootstool · 04/05/2023 12:50

@Dontbelieveaword I'm suggesting he's heard it from somewhere, yes. Doesn't have to be OP. Could be an overheard conversation between adults, an overheard phone call, could be another kid at nursery who says things like that because they have been told it themselves, could be anything at all.

"He doesn't need a dad. Grandad can be like a dad." That sounds like something he's picked up. And it's clearly something which is worrying him. He's only 4, he doesn't have real insight into why this random man (to him) called a "Dad" is suddenly going to be in his life, so he is still trying to build context on who and what he is and what that means for him.

Original poster
NameChange900 · 04/05/2023 12:53

PinkFootstool · 04/05/2023 12:50

@Dontbelieveaword I'm suggesting he's heard it from somewhere, yes. Doesn't have to be OP. Could be an overheard conversation between adults, an overheard phone call, could be another kid at nursery who says things like that because they have been told it themselves, could be anything at all.

"He doesn't need a dad. Grandad can be like a dad." That sounds like something he's picked up. And it's clearly something which is worrying him. He's only 4, he doesn't have real insight into why this random man (to him) called a "Dad" is suddenly going to be in his life, so he is still trying to build context on who and what he is and what that means for him.

I'm not sure anything he's said sounds unusual for a 4yo to come up with on his own. We lived with my father for 2 years and he obviously sees him as a constant male figure in his life, so as 4 year olds do, he likely said 'he can be my dad' in an attempt to get out of going. He's the only person in his life that he's consistently heard being called 'dad' so it makes sense.

OP posts:
Original poster
NameChange900 · 04/05/2023 12:54

Anyway, I really don't want the thread to go on a tangent, and just need support as I have a feeling he's going to have a huge tantrum at the contact centre and I won't know what to do.

OP posts:
shammalammadingdong · 04/05/2023 12:56

PinkFootstool · 04/05/2023 12:50

@Dontbelieveaword I'm suggesting he's heard it from somewhere, yes. Doesn't have to be OP. Could be an overheard conversation between adults, an overheard phone call, could be another kid at nursery who says things like that because they have been told it themselves, could be anything at all.

"He doesn't need a dad. Grandad can be like a dad." That sounds like something he's picked up. And it's clearly something which is worrying him. He's only 4, he doesn't have real insight into why this random man (to him) called a "Dad" is suddenly going to be in his life, so he is still trying to build context on who and what he is and what that means for him.

He's 4. He knows what Dads are, and what they do, and he knows he has a Grandad that does that role for him.
He's young, he's not an idiot.

shammalammadingdong · 04/05/2023 12:56

NameChange900 · 04/05/2023 12:54

Anyway, I really don't want the thread to go on a tangent, and just need support as I have a feeling he's going to have a huge tantrum at the contact centre and I won't know what to do.

It's ok if he does. His feelings are what they are. Your job is to reassure and talk and be there.

FilthyforFirth · 04/05/2023 12:58

Sorry but I'm quite ignorant about this, is there a way his grandad could go with him? So he has a familiar safe face whilst meeting his dad?

Sorry if its a silly suggestion. I feel for you, so shit he has to see him at all. You sound a good mum, not sure I'd have done anything different to you.

Original poster
NameChange900 · 04/05/2023 13:01

FilthyforFirth · 04/05/2023 12:58

Sorry but I'm quite ignorant about this, is there a way his grandad could go with him? So he has a familiar safe face whilst meeting his dad?

Sorry if its a silly suggestion. I feel for you, so shit he has to see him at all. You sound a good mum, not sure I'd have done anything different to you.

It has to be just him and the supervisor. I'm going to take him in with my friend waiting in the car who will act as my distraction. Going to take him somewhere fun after, but won't tell him this as then he definitely won't want to go! I don't want his grandad to even be associated with it as he's someone he can talk to about it who isn't involved in the process

OP posts:
Original poster
NameChange900 · 04/05/2023 13:05

shammalammadingdong · 04/05/2023 12:56

He's 4. He knows what Dads are, and what they do, and he knows he has a Grandad that does that role for him.
He's young, he's not an idiot.

Show quote history

Yes I do think we underestimate children and how much they know/understand sometimes

OP posts:
LakeTiticaca · 04/05/2023 13:05

I feel.sorry for these poor children who are abandoned then suddenly years later are expected to form a relationship with a stranger. There should be a law preventing this and making a minimum age, say 8 or 9 that children can make a decision whether they wish to see the estranged parent or not. Rather than being dragged into it with no choice.

Original poster
NameChange900 · 04/05/2023 13:06

LakeTiticaca · 04/05/2023 13:05

I feel.sorry for these poor children who are abandoned then suddenly years later are expected to form a relationship with a stranger. There should be a law preventing this and making a minimum age, say 8 or 9 that children can make a decision whether they wish to see the estranged parent or not. Rather than being dragged into it with no choice.

I was wondering the other day whether there will be a mass uprising of adults who were affected by family court decisions when they were children in the future.

OP posts:
UrsulaBelle · 04/05/2023 13:08

It all sounds very hard, but there are lots of non-negotiables for children. They have to go to school, to nursery or to a childminder, they have to go to the doctors and dentist etc. It's just for a couple of hours under supervision. Would he have a tantrum in those circumstances? If he did, how would you deal with it?

Catspyjamas17 · 04/05/2023 13:08

Family courts should think more about children's rights not to be abused, emotionally and physically, and the distressing effect of seeing a dad he has never known, even at a contact centre. They seem to put father's rights first. What on earth does a man have to do to be prevented from seeing his children?

DisquietintheRanks · 04/05/2023 13:10

I think it's pretty odd for a child to be so fearful of meeting his father, are you sure he's heard nothing bad about him (ie the truth) maybe from someone else in the family? He's at an age where children become aware of family set ups other than their own, he will have realised that most children have dads and it is slightly concerning that his first emotion is fear rather than say, curiosity or even indifference.

Original poster
NameChange900 · 04/05/2023 13:14

DisquietintheRanks · 04/05/2023 13:10

I think it's pretty odd for a child to be so fearful of meeting his father, are you sure he's heard nothing bad about him (ie the truth) maybe from someone else in the family? He's at an age where children become aware of family set ups other than their own, he will have realised that most children have dads and it is slightly concerning that his first emotion is fear rather than say, curiosity or even indifference.

Where have I said anything about him being scared or fearful?

OP posts: