Page 2 | Son is distressed at the thought of seeing his dad and I don't know what to do

NameChange900 · 2023-05-04T11:22:24+00:00

Long story short, lots of abuse towards us both (physical emotional sexual towards me, physical towards our son), I left when son was months old. No contact for 4 years. I have opposed contact all the way through court proceedings. Court have ordered it anyway due to him having worked on himself, even though no real evidence of change. I have to go along with contact in a contact centre. I'm guilty of not talking enough to my son about his dad, but it has been hard due to the abuse. I've never said a bad word, he's only 4. I've been trying to prepare him for contact happening by talking about it with him (baby steps). He's really opposed to it. Says he doesn't want to see him, that he wants to stay home, he told me that he doesn't need a dad and that his grandad can be like his dad which I found really difficult to explain to him. I'm just really struggling. Every part of my body wants to scoop him up and say 'it's fine you don't have to go' but I can't, because he will be forced, so I'm just trying to talk positively about it. It's making me feel like he must think I'm just ignoring his fears. I really need some advice on how to tackle this.

Original poster

NameChange900 · 04/05/2023 13:17

NameChange900 · 04/05/2023 13:14

Where have I said anything about him being scared or fearful?

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OK I rescind that I did mention his fears.

OP posts:

Original poster

NameChange900 · 04/05/2023 13:20

DisquietintheRanks · 04/05/2023 13:10

I think it's pretty odd for a child to be so fearful of meeting his father, are you sure he's heard nothing bad about him (ie the truth) maybe from someone else in the family? He's at an age where children become aware of family set ups other than their own, he will have realised that most children have dads and it is slightly concerning that his first emotion is fear rather than say, curiosity or even indifference.

I'm sorry if I'm coming across as combative. I don't mean to and I hope you understand how hard it is to stay positive when talking to a child positively about someone who hurt you, and raped you. My son was conceived through non consensual sex and I hate the fact I have to send him to see his dad. Staying positive about it is taking every inch of my sanity and I just feel like there's no support out there.

OP posts:

DuckDuckNo · 04/05/2023 13:20

DisquietintheRanks · 04/05/2023 13:10

I think it's pretty odd for a child to be so fearful of meeting his father, are you sure he's heard nothing bad about him (ie the truth) maybe from someone else in the family? He's at an age where children become aware of family set ups other than their own, he will have realised that most children have dads and it is slightly concerning that his first emotion is fear rather than say, curiosity or even indifference.

I think it's pretty odd people come here to insinuate all kinds of stuff instead of advising the OP.

For what it's worth, both my children were vary about meeting any total strangers at that age. They weren't "fearful", but they certainly didn't prefer spending time with a new person with no Mum, Dad or other close family member present. I don't think there's anything especially strange about that, and the new person being the child's father doesn't really change anything since they've never had any contact.

DuckDuckNo · 04/05/2023 13:21

wary, even. Give us our edit button already.

Hellno45 · 04/05/2023 13:29

I imagine that the contract centre have loads of kids with loads of different feeling. Have you asked them how you should discuss it with DC?

Radi0Star · 04/05/2023 13:32

I have no experience that will help OP but just wanted to say you sound like an amazing Mum and I am so sorry you are going through this. I really empathise with how you must feel about going against your child's feelings and your own gut instinct.

I presume it is no longer possible to report this man to the police?

Original poster

NameChange900 · 04/05/2023 13:35

Radi0Star · 04/05/2023 13:32

I have no experience that will help OP but just wanted to say you sound like an amazing Mum and I am so sorry you are going through this. I really empathise with how you must feel about going against your child's feelings and your own gut instinct.

I presume it is no longer possible to report this man to the police?

I have no idea. The police were utterly useless when I spoke to them. They forgot to call me back and lost my notes so I had to do the whole statement again. I just gave up. He's so done a domestic abuse perpetrator programme which he lied his way through (I've seen the report and it is quite unbelievable) so he will probably use that to state he has changed his ways.

OP posts:

Tiddlypomtiddlypom · 04/05/2023 13:38

It sounds like this kid is right to be fearful of his abusive father. He was physically abused by him as a baby, not that he’ll remember. But this is a dangerous, manipulative man (I think I remember your other threads).

And as for the court system criticising a mother for not regularly speaking fondly to her child about an absent and violent father, I have no words. It’s barbaric.

Access for men at all costs, right? Vile.

Soontobe60 · 04/05/2023 13:39

LakeTiticaca · 04/05/2023 13:05

I feel.sorry for these poor children who are abandoned then suddenly years later are expected to form a relationship with a stranger. There should be a law preventing this and making a minimum age, say 8 or 9 that children can make a decision whether they wish to see the estranged parent or not. Rather than being dragged into it with no choice.

The OP said that she had prevented any contact all through court proceedings, so despite her ex attempting to see his child, she prevented it. She acknowledges that this wasn’t the best thing to do and I’m sure we all agree that we would probably have done the same as OP in the circumstances.

So this isnt all on the ex, its circumstances that has brought OP and her son to this place.

Tiddlypomtiddlypom · 04/05/2023 13:39

If you can stomach it, try to pursue him for the violence and abuse against you.

Soontobe60 · 04/05/2023 13:42

NameChange900 · 04/05/2023 13:20

I'm sorry if I'm coming across as combative. I don't mean to and I hope you understand how hard it is to stay positive when talking to a child positively about someone who hurt you, and raped you. My son was conceived through non consensual sex and I hate the fact I have to send him to see his dad. Staying positive about it is taking every inch of my sanity and I just feel like there's no support out there.

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I listened to a Radio 4 piece a couple of weeks ago about children conceived through rape, I’ll see if I can find a link. You might find it helpful as I recall there was mention of a charity to support mothers / children in these situations.
One of the people speaking was a mum who had to tell her young teen son about his conception, and how her son dealt with it. It was incredibly moving.

Original poster

NameChange900 · 04/05/2023 13:42

Soontobe60 · 04/05/2023 13:39

The OP said that she had prevented any contact all through court proceedings, so despite her ex attempting to see his child, she prevented it. She acknowledges that this wasn’t the best thing to do and I’m sure we all agree that we would probably have done the same as OP in the circumstances.

So this isnt all on the ex, its circumstances that has brought OP and her son to this place.

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Hang on. Dont twist my words. I did not say that this wasn't the best thing to do. I don't know where you got that from or if you just made it up but don't try to place the blame on my for the fact that I was raped and abused and my son was twice physically assaulted. Stopping contact and preventing my child from being further abused was the best thing I ever did and I'd do it again if I have to. Don't place the blame on my for the fact that my son's dad hasn't been able to see him, as that is completely on him.

OP posts:

Original poster

NameChange900 · 04/05/2023 13:43

Soontobe60 · 04/05/2023 13:42

I listened to a Radio 4 piece a couple of weeks ago about children conceived through rape, I’ll see if I can find a link. You might find it helpful as I recall there was mention of a charity to support mothers / children in these situations.
One of the people speaking was a mum who had to tell her young teen son about his conception, and how her son dealt with it. It was incredibly moving.

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If you can find it that would be incredibly helpful as I would love some support for myself around this. I'm not sure I would ever want my son to know though.

OP posts:

Soontobe60 · 04/05/2023 13:43

Here is is
https://www.bbc.co.uk/mediacentre/proginfo/2023/16/out-of-the-shadows-born-from-rape
And this may be good reading too

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-64335573

Out of the Shadows: Born from Rape

https://www.bbc.co.uk/mediacentre/proginfo/2023/16/out-of-the-shadows-born-from-rape

RueRue · 04/05/2023 13:45

This is so difficult and I'm sorry that you and your son need to go through it. The only thing to do is explain to him in child friendly terms what will be happening to try and reduce some of his anxiety around it. E.g. you will sit in a room with some toys and play and he will be there too. And then I will come and get you. And as others have suggested, acknowledging his feelings. I know you don't want to go but we don't have any choice. However we can chose what we do later. You are likely to be feeling very anxious (understandably!) But children are so good at picking up on our emotions so if you can keep some of that from him (so he knows his mum is in control, she will keep me safe). Still horrified that this type of situation is allowed to happen. 🌺

FishChipsMushyPeas · 04/05/2023 13:54

If you're the poster I think you are, your son shouldn't ever have to see that scumbag but here we are thanks to the courts in this country. I feel.for you totally as I know the last thing you will want is for him to have any contact with your lovely son. Your son is probably concerned that this is a big change and I think all you can do is keep extolling the 'positives' of him going.

If you aren't the poster I think you are, apologies.

Original poster

NameChange900 · 04/05/2023 13:57

FishChipsMushyPeas · 04/05/2023 13:54

If you're the poster I think you are, your son shouldn't ever have to see that scumbag but here we are thanks to the courts in this country. I feel.for you totally as I know the last thing you will want is for him to have any contact with your lovely son. Your son is probably concerned that this is a big change and I think all you can do is keep extolling the 'positives' of him going.

If you aren't the poster I think you are, apologies.

I probably am the poster you think I am. Can't say for sure but I have posted a few times under different names about this. I just don't want them to be linked.

OP posts:

FishChipsMushyPeas · 04/05/2023 14:05

Understandable and I won't share anything on here of course. Just know I'm thinking about you and your lovely son x

ThreeLocusts · 04/05/2023 14:12

OP just to say don't beat yourself up for not talking more about the absent dad.

I had an abusive father who died before my children were born, and I fobbed them off for the first decade of their lives with 'he died early from smoking so much.'

Because what are you supposed to say about someone who is close to them by definition but happens to have been horrid? You may have hoped he would never get contact and that is understandable too.

Nothing to add to good advice above - acknowledge DS's reluctance, reassure him you will be there after, make clear it can't be avoided. All the best.