Was anyone abandoned as a child and blamed for i

Mooshamoo · 2023-05-04T10:17:51+00:00

I was abandoned my my dad as a child. He met another woman and that was it, he didn't want to see me again. I tried for ages to get him to see me. I wrote him so many letters. He wouldn't see me . I gave up. When I was older I met my father's side of the family. My uncle and cousins. My fathers brother. To my horror, they blamed me for my father abandoning me. They told me that it was my fault, because I had apparantly been nasty to my father when I was a child. And my father went though a lot of stress. They were absolutely convinced of this . And I was treated like I was the bad person. I just couldn't believe it. It still eats me up to this day! It seems to me that if a man abandons his child, it's easier for some people to victim blame and blame the child. Like he left the child so the child must have done something wrong. Rather than saying "actually this man abandoned his child for no reason" How can people be so cruel. Has this ever happened to anyone on here?

Original poster

Mooshamoo · 04/05/2023 11:20

*blamed for it.

OP posts:

Jellycats4life · 04/05/2023 11:22

Wow. That’s appalling. How on earth could they think that? You were a child.

I guess some families will do anything to convince themselves that their son/brother/uncle isn’t a terrible person.

Littlepiglet123 · 04/05/2023 11:23

Aw that's awful. It shows how stupid/ mental/ emotionally immature his family is and you are well rid.

Nimbostratus100 · 04/05/2023 11:24

all children are capable of nastiness. This is becasue they are children not adults, and it takes time to learn to behave.

Whatever you did or didn't do is irrelevant - if you were a total angel, that would indicate to me something seriously wrong. If you were naughty sometimes, you were a normal child, if you were worse than "normal" then you were struggling, and needed more parenting not less.

In any scenario it was your father that was clearly in the wrong, not you

But you wont be able to convince his relatives of that, they dont want to be convinced

good luck to you moving on without this toxic family around your neck

xx

BelindaBears · 04/05/2023 11:24

These grown adults genuinely believed that a child being “nasty” to its father is cause for abandonment? They have problems.

AntoniaMacaronia · 04/05/2023 11:27

Not just in child abandonment but in most circumstances where there is a victim it's easier for others to blame the victim than face up to the fact that the perpetrator is a bad person, especially if that perpetrator is someone within their circle.

They had listened to whatever their brother had said and didn't know you so it was probably fairly natural for them to assume he was telling truth. A bit thick of them to assume you as a child had done something so awful to a grown man that he couldn't face having contact with you though. But, as I said, it's easier for them not to think too deeply about it.

It's horrible, it hurts, you have been dealt a double blow. It is not you, it's them. People can be absolute shites, it's as well they're not in your life, although their words will always sting

Original poster

Mooshamoo · 04/05/2023 11:30

It's very hurtful.

Instead of saying -"your father left you , and you were struggling to survive, were you okay".

No they said to me "you were nasty to your dad when you were a child, you caused him stress"

I genuinely think some abusive families victim blame when they don't want to see the truth.

I read one other story where a girl was abandoned by her father. And her aunt said to her "well you were cruel to your father when you were a child, your poor dad couldn't cope".

They rewrite history because they don't want to see the truth. So they want to see "poor Dave was mistreated by his ex-wife and child",

Not the truth of' "Dave abandoned his family and left them to suffer".

OP posts:

AntoniaMacaronia · 04/05/2023 11:30

it's easier for others to blame the victim than face up to the fact that the perpetrator is a bad person, especially if that perpetrator is someone within their circle

And sad to say, it's much, much easier for people to blame the victim if she is female.

barbrahunter · 04/05/2023 11:32

What a vile family, you poor soul. Frankly, by the sounds of it you were better off not having any contact with such a nasty idiot.

littleripper · 04/05/2023 11:32

They let this lie become to the truth to excuse their own appalling behaviour in not confronting him and not stepping up.

Original poster

Mooshamoo · 04/05/2023 11:33

AntoniaMacaronia · 04/05/2023 11:27

Not just in child abandonment but in most circumstances where there is a victim it's easier for others to blame the victim than face up to the fact that the perpetrator is a bad person, especially if that perpetrator is someone within their circle.

They had listened to whatever their brother had said and didn't know you so it was probably fairly natural for them to assume he was telling truth. A bit thick of them to assume you as a child had done something so awful to a grown man that he couldn't face having contact with you though. But, as I said, it's easier for them not to think too deeply about it.

It's horrible, it hurts, you have been dealt a double blow. It is not you, it's them. People can be absolute shites, it's as well they're not in your life, although their words will always sting

"in most circumstances where there is a victim it's easier for others to blame the victim than face up to the fact that the perpetrator is a bad person, especially if that perpetrator is someone within their circle."

That is so very true.

Even though my father abandoned me and my brother and left us to suffer in total poverty.

They decided it was easier to think "poor John was hurt so bad by his children he couldn't face being around them anymore."

That's all I heard was "what your poor father has been through". Unbelievable. They didn't want to see the truth. Ot they just chose to ignore the truth as it was easier. As you said they had to socialise with my dad and not with me.

OP posts:

Mabelface · 04/05/2023 11:34

At least you now know where your father got his morals and attitude from! What a family of utter arseholes.

Original poster

Mooshamoo · 04/05/2023 11:35

barbrahunter · 04/05/2023 11:32

What a vile family, you poor soul. Frankly, by the sounds of it you were better off not having any contact with such a nasty idiot.

Thank you.

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YourMommaWasASnowblower · 04/05/2023 11:36

Your dad learnt to be the man he was from his family. Sounds like you had a lucky escape from them all. They all sound vile.

Original poster

Mooshamoo · 04/05/2023 11:42

Im not in much contact with them now as they hurt me so much. But I'm up every night having sleepless nights at the injustice of it all. I was thinking of sending an email to them about it.

But I know no matter what I say to them I will still be blamed. They do not want to see the truth. Its always "your poor father had so much stress". They simply do not want to see the truth. And will turn away from any evidence of the truth.

OP posts:

Original poster

Mooshamoo · 04/05/2023 11:46

I was just thinking what I would do if I was in the same hypothetical situation. I have a brother.

If my brother had an ex wife and abandoned his ex wife and child.

Maybe I would make loads of excuses for him.
I might say "well his ex wife stopped him from seeing the child". I would want to see that is what happened as it is more easy to accept about my brother

It would be easier for me to say that, rather than say my brother is a cruel horrible person who abandoned his child. It would be harder for me to accept that.

This is just me thinking of a hypothetical situation. I'm thinking of why people choose to see the lie and not see the truth. They don't want to accept the truth of what happened. It's easier for them to see the brother as the good guy who was wronged.

Though I hope if I was in that situation, I would see the truth and be kind to the child

OP posts:

Georgeandzippyzoo · 04/05/2023 11:46

I think you can see that your father didn't fall far from the family tree of never having to deal with your actions and blaming others.

I don't know how long ago this happened, if you've already gone NC etc, but personally I'd be tempted to write a letter explaining actually a child was not to blame for this situation, that a grown man made decisions, he didn't want to admit it was his actions that caused it. I'm assuming your DM managed once he left.
You don't have to send it if too much time has passed but I find it cathartic putting it down in words.

It's a measure of the man, and his family, that they would rather blame a child for the break up of a a family rather than the infidelity of the father!
Do not waste another moment thinking of this part of your genetics, prune it out and let the Loving, healthy side take over x. ♥️

Original poster

Mooshamoo · 04/05/2023 11:47

Though this is keeping me up at night and is having a very bad effect on me. I don't know what to do to heal from it.

OP posts:

Dogsitterwoes · 04/05/2023 11:55

I think what you can do is accept that they are a very toxic family, and be very proud of yourself for recognising and breaking that cycle of abuse. And probably go no contact - they are unable to bring anything good to your life.

TheGoddessFrigg · 04/05/2023 11:57

I can relate to this although my situation wasn't exactly the same. When I was younger, my father made it pretty obvious that he hadnt wanted a child. He wanted my mother and saw me as some sort of obstacle / annoyance. This obviously has affected me all my life...
But now I am older I get angry about it, which I think is healthier. No matter how annoying I might have been - I was a CHILD. He was the ADULT. It was not my job to fit around his feelings. And the same is true of you - even if you were 'nasty' to your father (highly unlikely) your father should have dealt with that using his greater maturity- not just run off and blame a small child.

YourMommaWasASnowblower · 04/05/2023 12:05

I wouldn’t write an email to them, or if you do, don’t send it.
If this is what they believe, they will carry on believing it no matter what you say. Anything you do say will be used as “proof” of “what your dad had to put up with”. It’s not worth it. If they are willing to blame the child version of you, they aren’t going to change now you are an adult. You need to draw a line under all of them and try not to let them hurt you any further.

LabelleLabelle · 04/05/2023 12:07

Yes, my whole life. My dad has made this his thing too it’s just to deflect from having to answer questions about his own behaviour. I got sick of it and just stopped talking to anyone who said it to me.

TooBigForMyBoots · 04/05/2023 12:16

They are ignorant, nasty people OP. Type you e-mail and save it draft. It will be helpful for you to get it out of your head and onto a page. Give it a couple of days and then decide if you want to send it.

Will they take any notice? Probably not, but if it makes you feel better, go for it.

Tittyhill · 04/05/2023 12:32

It is awful OP. My Husbands Father has treated him like this his whole life. The sister of his Father is quite happy to blame 3 very young children for their father walking out on them. We saw him last year thinking he may have grown up and changed. Unfortunately not. He stopped talking to my husband because our children had a cold drink on a hot day before her got there. You couldn't get a more pathetic man if you tried.

AntoniaMacaronia · 04/05/2023 12:40

But I know no matter what I say to them I will still be blamed. They do not want to see the truth. Its always "your poor father had so much stress". They simply do not want to see the truth. And will turn away from any evidence of the truth.

This is true, they believe what they believe and nothing will change that. They're not open to anything that will change their way of thinking. As PPs said, that family made that 'man'.

Be careful drafting your email that it is not sendable! Do it in a word document or whatever the equivalent is. Or write it on paper. But don't send it, it will be twisted and more fuel to their fake fire.

You are obviously carrying a lot of understandable hurt and anger. Have you considered counselling?

I hope even posting here has helped you a wee bit, sometimes we just need to be heard