To feel I have failed as a parent

[AnnieHallScotland]

Writing this in tears.

I feel like I have failed as a parent. My son, now 12 was always a lovely, kind boy with a nice set of friends and did well at primary.
on the shy, sensitive side. My daughter , now 9, was confident and happy with a good group of friends and hobbies she loves.

Over the past year my son has stopped attending high school due to extreme school based anxiety / phobia / panic attacks and hasn’t seen friends, can barely leave his room.
my daughter’s confidence has shrunk abs she told me tonight she feels sad a lot of the time.

I’m a single parent, though they have three nights with their dad.

I just feel it’s all gone to crap over the past year and I feel it’s all gone so very wrong and I blame myself.

It’s so hard when they school refused, j have been there too and I have 3 now teenagers as a single parent.

You haven't failed. Google 'not fine in school' and join the group. There are thousands of us. It's not your fault,

What happened in your case? My son has missed two entire terms.

I’m worried my daughter is heading in the same way.

Also, the home education community is full of kids who started out like this. They can still make it in life and achieve a career etc.

Not voting obviously because this isn't a thing we can vote on.

You haven't failed. Parenting is tough and there are challenging bits but the fact that things are difficult doesn't make you a bad parent. Good parents are not magically gifted with children who never have difficulties. I bet you are exactly the best possible parent for these 2 kids.

Checklist:
(a):Do your kids know that you love them absolutely and unconditionally, that there is nothing they need to do to earn your love and you will always be on their side no matter what (even though sometimes being on their side might mean you doing what they need instead of what they want, because that's part of parenting)

Y/N

If N then first thing in the morning make sure they do know it from now on.

If Y then you are doing fine, you are a good parent. Carry on. You can't make the things troubling your children just disappear but there's lots you can do to support them where they need it, and fight on their behalf when appropriate.

It's because secondary school is shit. It's not you, it's the system. I personally literally don't know a single child who is happy in their secondary education right now, they are all fearful of punishment and overcorrection from their teachers or violence and bullying from their peers. It's so stressful, and it's so serious now from such an early age, there's none of the fun that I remember from my youth.

Things definitely went to shit when my DC became teenagers. They were both lovely and hard working, I never had any really issues and then the teenage years kicked in. One had an especially rough time and became friends with the wrong people. I still don't know the full story but they came through the other side. It did take around 2 years.

The only bit of advice I can give you is to step back. Stop thinking about parenting as a reflection on you and start thinking about your children as people with issues and what you can do to support them. You haven't failed them, you can't control how they feel. And I would say that them being open about their feelings shows that you're a good parent.

I find it hard to support my son, because I don’t know what to do and the options from the council all seem to make him freak out :( he doesn’t see any peers and barely communicates. Just last summer he was with pals, out having fun,
going on family holidays.

with my daughter losing her confidence, she’s struggling at school with dyslexia, so academically and her class was changed and she hasn’t managed to make any friends in her new class as she’s so quiet.

it just feels likes everything is so rough for them compared to my childhood and I feel extremely helpless.

My DD (nearly 17), missed the last 2 years at high school. She had undiagnosed ASD, with an anxiety / panic disorder (caused by none-diagnosis)

I second “not fine in school” … you are not alone, and it’s really important to remember that.

We tend to prefer “emotionally based school avoidance” .. as “school refuser” tends to indicate that they are making a choice.

Anyhow … what to do. You need to be really proactive, there is an apathy in the school system, and a lack of resources in the health system, but be prepared to push for everything.

GP for a CAMHS referral… and don’t leave until you get one. Go straight to the council for an EHCP, you do not have to wait for school. Keep pushing, for assessments, and for what your children need.

You and Your Home are the safe place. As long as they are safe and loved you are doing a great job.

What are the longer term outcomes for these kids. I don’t even mean academically, but can they find happiness again?
my son loved being with friends before all this happened but now he is a shell. We’ve looked at alternative, smaller or specialist schools but he can’t bring himself to even leave the house look at them. Same with psychologist, he couldn’t go to the appointment or to gp.

i’m stuck and abs so worried about my daughter now too.

What’s behind this though? Why would happy kids suddenly go off school? It sounds more like a response to something more traumatic.

Have they been bullied at school? Are they safe at their Dad’s? What do they do when they’re at his house?

Happy but shy and nervous in new situations (was transition to high school). Daughter’s class changed.

I just feel like giving up.

@AnnieHallScotland im in a few autism support groups and school refusal is high on the list of issues there. Are yours diagnosed.
my DS2 suddenly out of the blue started school refusing towards end of year 6, and after a couple years out he rejoined a learning setting at 14. He has friends and enjoys it immensely.
my youngest hit the school refusal after starting secondary, she is on the autism pathway.

School itself is trauma for many children. There is only so much they can cope with before they break.

Take him to the gp
There is no him saying no
You are his mum and you need to act. Now!
You take him to the gp. Explain what's going on. They potentially prescribed him something for the anxiety and or refer him to a psychologist.
You will then take him to the psychologist. You need to help him as he can't help himself

I ended up in a short stay unit in a mental help unit that way. At 15.
You need to help him. He obviously can't
And it will get only worse and worse

this might be a good book (see attached) not just for him but also for you. That you can learn how to help him
And learn how enabling his behaviour will have catastrophic consequences that he spends yeeeeeears trying to claw his way out.

You haven't failed but you need to act. Now.

Err. Sorry dont know what happened to my attached photo. Let me try again .

Nope . I can't do it sorry.
But the book is called tired of anxiety

It is wonderfully written in a way that its understandable and more tangible for kids to understand their own brain
And for parents to understand what anxiety is and feels like and what NOT to do
I feel for you op.xx

https://www.booktopia.com.au/tired-of-anxiety-sarah-cassidy/book/9781803880808.html?source=pla&gclid=Cj0KCQjwr82iBhCuARIsAO0EAZz2qncJ0-xzI4_EMEY8N6Cz-yBz_D4KzqJC1jEw2TbH-80CnzKZtyoaAsLiEALw_wcB

You haven't failed OP.
I have been in your shoes, and so have many others, school refusal is not a reflection on your parenting.
Most school refusers are intelligent, sensitive and previously had good attendance. There is a definite pattern that round about the same time puberty kicks in, it also offsets the fight or flight response, resulting in panic attacks and anxiety disorder. Panic attacks and anxiety disorders are extremely debilitating, most adults cannot manage the severity of the symptoms without medication. The problem being most GPS will not perscribe medication to young people under 18.
There is very little in the way of support for the young person or the parent, very low success rate with CAHMS, even CBT methods.
Until you are in this situation you have no idea of the havoc it creates, and dealing with it on your own can lead to a breakdown.
Schools have very little knowledge, understanding or empathy, same with people who are lucky enough not to have experienced this. It is a very lonely experience.
I deregistered my own son age 14, he wasn't making any progress and missing so much school, he has since self taught himself since, all of the information you need is free online. He sat his exams at a local college as a private candidate, achieved high results, now doing 'A'levels, he also worked a part time job. They seem to be able to manage much better the older they become. My son often says he has never been happier. I never in a million years envisaged this outcome when we were in the thick of it.
So l want to tell you to be very kind and gentle to yourself, things will improve, don't judge your future on where your at now.

It's not you, OP, I promise you. It's the absolute state of the school system. It's breaking our children - and our teachers!! You haven't failed, you're doing everything you can to support your DC through something so difficult. Amazing Mum-ing!

Thank you.

I can't 'get him to the GP' or force him to do anything. He is 5'9 and completely spirals with anxiety, panic attacks etc. I wish it was that easy though.

I have wondered about asd for both of them actually (and also suspect in my ex husband)

@Divorcedalongtime - What sort of education setting did he renter? I am thinking going to a big, busy highschool is not going to be an option for my DS, wondering what else I should look at. The council options aren't great.

Hi Annie, as others have said you have not failed and you are not alone.

Join the Not Fine in School Facebook group and focus on their mental health. You can't physically force a child of this age to attend anything. My child , when he was 10, used to try to jump out of moving cars or with child lock on throw things at me when I was driving to medical appointments etc. That was even if I could get him in the car. The services can come to you or if you want to speed things up an ambulance to A&E if he is at risk to himself or others.

The good news is that things can and do improve with correct diagnosis and treatment. My son who didn't attend school for the entire of secondary and missed at least a year of formal education is now in a much better place, diagnosed with A&S taking anti depressants and attending a mainstream selective 6th form college with 100% attendance for A levels. He plans to go to university. At 10 he didn't leave his room for over 6 months.

Education side, you are in Scotland I think so I think it might be slightly different than England but here local authorities have a legal duty to make alternative provisions. It might be that it is best to focus on mental health first but that is an option for later. You can start the ball rolling now though as these things take time.

Diagnosed with ASD not A&S!

Apologies.

@lifeturnsonadime that is good to hear he is in college now. The people here have been telling me basically how negative all the other options are (like a tutor for an hour a week) and how he will be selling himself short, lose the opportunities school give him. He is intelligent, very into coding and music and never struggled in that way. He has missed nearly all of first year at high school, it's so grim.

What made the change for him, and let him attend college, what did you do in between for education? thanks sorry for all questions!