To feel I have failed as a parent

[AnnieHallScotland]

Writing this in tears.

I feel like I have failed as a parent. My son, now 12 was always a lovely, kind boy with a nice set of friends and did well at primary.
on the shy, sensitive side. My daughter , now 9, was confident and happy with a good group of friends and hobbies she loves.

Over the past year my son has stopped attending high school due to extreme school based anxiety / phobia / panic attacks and hasn’t seen friends, can barely leave his room.
my daughter’s confidence has shrunk abs she told me tonight she feels sad a lot of the time.

I’m a single parent, though they have three nights with their dad.

I just feel it’s all gone to crap over the past year and I feel it’s all gone so very wrong and I blame myself.

This.

It's messed up.

(by people here I mean the council not mumsnet!)

@SparklyBlackKitten @AnnieHallScotland cant force him to go anywhere. Clearly you haven’t had a child go through this.

I did with my son-
•I reasoned with him,
•shouted at him,
•tried to physically drag him,
•bribed him,
•asked someone else to take him in case I was the problem,
•tried every distraction possible (music, sweets, dancing all the way to school, walking with friends),
•going in late to avoid crowds,
•going in early so he could settle before other children arrived,
•having his favourite teacher meet him at the door and doing 15 minutes of 1 to 1 fun before joining class,
•sent in teddy bears and weighted blankets to comfort him,
•sent in his favourite book,
•arranging for him to have a pass to leave the classroom if he needed to
•collecting him early so he could have shorter day
•put extra treats in his lunch box as an incentive

You name it, we tried it. He could not go- the panic and anxiety was too strong. This isn’t a failure to parent properly.

@AnnieHallScotland is there any way you could home educate? I know it might not be possible for you but it is what we did in the end and ds is like a different child now.

I am single parent and work full time @EnaSharplesStout

Saying that... if I thought he would engage then I would be open to trying!!

Your post resonates with me so much - thank you. Those things you tried, been there done that too.

Did you switch to home educating your child?

When you home educate - is it with tutors etc? I have a degree in the arts but couldn't do things like maths / science realistically.

@SparklyBlackKitten how does she 'make him' go to the GP?

@AnnieHallScotland do you have the equivalent of CAMHS crisis team in your area ?
Sounds desperate.

Yes but CAHMS wouldn't accept the referral, they were too swamped and he isn't self harming / having suicidal thoughts so couldn't get a crisis referral through the GP. I went the private route but I couldn't get him to attend the appointments in person or on Zoom :(

Hi Annie, he didn't engage with formal education at all really for more than 6 months.

He then got an hour of hosptial tuition (Alternative Provision) provided by the LA with a wonderful lady who understood his mental health difficulties and came to our home.

In the meantime because he was literally suicidal and waiting lists were lower he was diagnosed with ASD within 5 months of the first referral, also with anxiety and depression by CAMHs. I then applied for an EHCP and made a complaint under s. 19 of the Education Act (I don't think this applies in Scotland but there may be an equivalent) for full time alternative provision. There was no way he was going to be able to attend school as school was causing trauma at the time and we got reports to that effect from Occupational Therapy, Speech and Language therapy and from CAMHs. Ultimately he ended up with Education Other than At School provision as the local sen offerings weren't suitable either. He used a mix of online learning and tutors that I sourced (funded by the Local Authority) along with therapy also funded by the LA.

It was a LONG time before he could engage properly in education, I would say he missed between 1-2 years of formal learning but he was able to heal his mental health by not going where he was suffering harm. We also discovered that he is dyslexic and has issues with processing verbal information.

He ended up picking his own GCSEs and took them at home.

By this stage he felt ready to try to 'restart' life at 6th form and it has been a real success. I would never have thought it possible when the refusal started.

He is still under CAMHS and takes seratonin to stop the anxiety. Going through puberty has also really helped he no longer seems to suffer so much with sensory issues which were very debilitating when he was younger.

As your son has clear interests see if he can focus on those to start with and build from there. Have a look at Khan Academy while you are resolving things. It is a USA free education system with maths and coding, he might engage with that for now?

Good luck.

@AnnieHallScotland It’s so difficult. We did switch to home education but we are in an odd position where I’m disabled and can’t work so I’m available to do all the education stuff.

My son is still primary school age so so far I can do all the subjects with him… once he gets older we will have to figure out another arrangement (maybe online school or tutoring or something). He does have one tutor now twice a week but he is a specialist in learning difficulties and is trying to make up for what he didn’t learn when he was at school (he basically didn’t learn anything because he was in a state of panic or shut down the entire time).

Oh and to reiterate if your son can't attend appointments such as GP and CAMHS if you can get a referral they can come to you.

If you suspect ASD see if your GP can refer to Speech and Language Therapy and Occupational Therapy. Not being in school for anxiety are good indicators. Again these appointments can take place at home. If he won't engage at home don't worry too much they are indicators that things are awry.

My son refused to engage with people who came to the home to begin with, this all went in their reports and supported the case for the EHCP and alternative provision.

@lifeturnsonadime thank you for your incredibly detailed response, I really appreciate it. Though it is sad to hear of other kids in this situation, it also gives me hope that there could be some short term and longer term solutions.

The tutor once a week has been offered to us, but we need to meet the person in a public place (like a library) as they no longer do home visits for some reason, so not sure how to get him there.

We have looked at alternatives school settings too, that are smaller class numbers, but again, don't see how he can do that at the moment.

Sorry, last question, did your DS manage to see friends when he was out of an educational setting? This is my other issue. My son had around 6 decent pals at the start of the year, but 8 months later and he is refusing to see any. I feel so bad about this too.

@EnaSharplesStout thank you. My DD is primary school and starting to get a lot of school anxiety too.

My sister was a school refuser for a year (but went maybe a day a week). In the end she made a friend in another form group, my mum spoke to the school and got her moved form, it turned out she had been controlled and exiled by another girl In her form and moving class was a complete turnaround for her. Is there anything at all that could have happened tonknock his confidence ?

@Sugargliderwombat thank you. I think it was the transition from small primary to large secondary, as it happened within first month of being there. He says it is 'everything' too noisy, too many classes, shouting teachers, messy toilets, homework, people he doesn't know, speaking in font of new class etc etc

@VestaTilley I agree it could be a response to trauma, but there are loads of other possible explanations

OP this may help
https://www.annafreud.org/schools-and-colleges/resources/addressing-emotionally-based-school-avoidance/

Or this English guidance
https://www.headteacher-update.com/best-practice-article/emotionally-based-school-avoidance-how-can-we-respond/237271

But, most of all, please remember that you were a good Mum before and you're still a good Mum. The children have changed, not you. And it's OK to feel out of your depth. Reach out to supports and don't let people fob you off. Remember, your children have a right to an education https://www.cypcs.org.uk/rights/uncrc/articles/article-28/#:~:text=Article%2028%20of%20the%20UNCRC,if%20they're%20a%20refugee.

They can't refuse appropriate provision. If the provision can't take place away from the home then it needs to be in the home. The law is slightly different in Scotland but the basic premise is the same. Unfortunately the charity that supported me only supports children in England. This organisation may be able to signpost you in Scotland https://enquire.org.uk/

Unless you deregister it is the duty of the LA to provide an education that your child can engage in, if he can't engage away from the home they have to accommodate it.

If he can't be in school then long term EOTAS (Education Other than At School) might be the best option.

Friends wise it's not easy. My son isn't really in touch with his friends from primary school as he definitely couldn't cope with maintaining those relationships when he was so unwell. What might go against the grain for a lot of AIBU readers is the importance of maintaining friends through gaming. The friends that he kept were kept that way. Now he is back on track he has reengaged with some sport and has made some new friends. He also now has new friends through college. It is sad to see the friendships slip but if he can't cope with keeping them then there isn't much you can do about it.

A lot of LAs will fund MindJam https://mindjam.org.uk/ which is counselling through gaming. This is something to consider and is worth while imo.

Have you spoken to Enquire? They provide a similar service in Scotland that IPSEA and SOSSEN provide in England.

In Scotland there is still a requirement for the education authority to provide education to those unable to attend school. If meeting in public isn’t suitable then it can be at home, and 1 hour a week is not enough. Sadly, many parents have to force the LA to provide the provision.

I feel for you @AnnieHallScotland and please don't blame yourself. There are many factors why individuals develop anxiety.

My adult son was shy but ok as we went into lockdown. He now has social anxiety and doesn't leave the house, no friends, no work, (doesn't claim benefits at all) it's very sad. Did Talkworks and now I'm paying for private counselling to help him get some help. It's so sad. He is a lovely young man but doesn't see his strengths and only his social anxiety/phobia. The waiting list for NHS help is long.

I agree. I tried the same, it doesn't work.

Took the words out of my mouth. It’s so sad.

That was exactly when my son fell apart. Now diagnosed with autism. - aged 20! Everything you have described was how he felt. We had seen signs leading up to this and had discussed what we would do in the event we need to homeschool.

Completely understand you are a single parent so it makes it harder.

De-registering him from the school system was our preferred way forward, for various reasons. But it may not work for you.

But the fact you are on here asking for advice and trying to do something is a clear indication that YOU HAVE NOT FAILED. You are trying to sort it out.

Can I say something that might sound harsh, but its not meant to be....... This is about HIM, its not about you. HE is experiencing the issues, not you. You need to distance yourself from this and look at it rationally rather than emotionally. Its hard, believe me I know, but all the while you are feeling negative about yourself it will be harder for you.

You are fine, you are good mum. Now go and kick some ass and get some support for you and your son.

14-16 vocational course at a college. They do English and maths and a chosen “trade” and then they can also do science one day. So it’s part time 2 or 3 days per week.
its easier, no dress code, no mrs or miss, very chilled.
took a huge load off my shoulders.

I’m in the same boat and you have my sympathies . I have been trying to explore other options for DD13 who has only been in to 5 periods this term.

I found this resource for Scottish education which looks like it will be really good if we have to go down the home learning route - it seems to have most of the curriculum for Nat 5s and huggers for a good number of subjects

https://scottishonlinelessons.com/

*highers not huggers 🤦‍♀️