When do things start to matter again after a bereavement? I just don't care

[Enjoytheweethings]

Sounds awful but have no energy or patience, then realised that I also just don't care? About anything, really.

Have no kids so nobody is being neglected. I really love my partner and care about our relationship obviously, but in terms of trying to do stuff that would enhance our lives, plan treats, etc...I just don't care. So I feel guilty now on top of everything else, because my lovely partner deserves a great life and has had a shit time. We have had multiple bereavements as well as other shitty life stress for several years.

Yesterday I frightened myself as I suddenly wondered if I have lost all in interest in things I've loved since childhood. Thinking of those things gave zero pleasure, just a hollow pointless irritated feeling.

Most of my interests were shared with the person I have lost, so they all hurt now.

I'm basically irritated, or weeping or anxious (which then sets off the irritability) most of the time.

When did you care about stuff after a huge bereavement? Did you ever worry it wouldn't come back?

That's really shit. Have you seen your GP? You sound depressed to me.

Depression will tell you that it's normal to feel like this after the shit you've been through but there are ways to feel better, if that's what it is.

I've had patches of hugely difficult emotions in the past 5 years and took antidepressants for about 6 months; i also have psychotherapy. My therapist thought it wasn't depression but whatever name it had, the pills helped lift me off the floor.

May I ask how long it is since your loved one died?

I ask because it is absolutely ok to still be feeling like this years later but not all the time. In the first months, what you're describing is normal but if, after a while, you still feel this way, that is sounding more like depression.
Bereavement is hugely complex, especially when you've lost someone with whom you shared a true connection and who helped you form your sense of self. Learning to be yourself and take pleasure in the things that you've always enjoyed takes time and sometimes never feels quite the same.
It's five years since my DM died but last week I had a day of such overwhelming sadness that it was visceral, but it passed. Those days get spaced out further and further apart and the joy and sunshine comes back into your life.

Grief is completely individual and runs on its own time scale. You are not being unreasonable to feel the way that you do. What may be helpful to you could be to talk with someone about everything you’ve gone through and process the grief and loss you feel and help you to make steps back towards having a future that you can begin to enjoy again. It can be a slow, painful process that often isn’t linear…but in time you can learn to hold your grief and loss at the same time as living and enjoying life again - albeit a different life to before. It can be so hard to see a way forward when you feel the way you do, but there is one. I would perhaps speak to your gp about how you’re feeling.
im so sorry for your losses and the impact they’ve had on you.

My Mum died in March 2021 and I have to say I haven’t found happiness yet.
I have a husband and 10 year old son and I love them dearly and want to be better than this but can’t.
In particular my Mum died on a hospice in the second COVID peak and so we were very restricted on our access to her. We slept in the hospice car park just to be near her as we were only allowed to be with his for approx 1 - 2 hours a day. They did allow us in in the early hours of the morning to spend her last hour of life with her. I feel that in her last days and weeks we were not able to be there with her and I feel totally robbed and that maybe we let her down. There is nothing I can do and I can’t shed this sadness.
However 2 years in I do feel that there might be light at the end of the tunnel. I have never experienced depression or anxiety before this grief related sadness I am simply not armed to manage.
I know my situation may be slightly different because of COVID but everyone has different experiences of death and different factors to manage so I think that is just another thing to add to the melting pot.
i’m telling you this not to make you feel bad but to share my story to let you know that everyone’s experience is different and
dont feel bad.
I have found that some friends are exasperated because actually sometimes going to stand on the sidelines at my sons Footie game is just simply too much to manage. To them they think I am snubbing them but I’ve stopped trying to explain that simple things like that are sometimes beyond me. Others just understand.
Take care

I wish I could take SSRIs, they seem to be the anti depressants with the least side effects these days. It sounds like they really got you out of a bad place.

I wish I could take a tablet and fix it but after taking Lexapro for a year years ago I had a bad bleeding episode. I'm afraid to take even fish oils now, I don't take anything that can thin blood or cause bleeding, or blood pressure to raise.

Of course maybe I could take them and be ok, maybe it was coincidental, but there is an association there.

It has been 3 months, and I think I'm worse now over the last month. Not that I was brilliant before or anything, but now I have a lot more hopelessness.

@Monsterpage I am so sorry about your mum, it must have been utterly horrific with the covid restrictions. I am so sorry.

My Dad died in January OP and I'm feeling horribly apathetic about life still. I saw a bereavement counsellor through the hospice he was in, and she said that grief is a journey - a short one for some, longer for others. And that to take it at your own pace - there's no right or wrong way to grieve. If it was someone who had a big place in your life then it's natural that you're knocked off kilter.

Go easy on yourself

@Enjoytheweethings 3 months is (unfortunately) no time at all. It also depends a lot on what type of bereavement and everyone is different. In my experience, as a guide, most bereavement counselling services want you to wait at least 6 months before you speak to someone.

A year and a day is when the mist starts to lift a little. In the meantime just keep swimming.

I think if you don’t have kids there can be a tendency to wallow simply because you can. If you have kids it sort of forces you back into life, because you have to put on a brave face and take them out and try to smile. I was bereaved before kids and found that I was still struggling a year later, whereas when I was bereaved after kids I had to pull myself together in a few weeks. And the latter was a much worse bereavement too. So I think it’s about picking yourself up vs allowing it to wash over you.

Well that’s interesting @Nereides. DF went 4 years ago and I find myself drawn to this thread and feeling utterly bereft tonight and it happens to be the day that DD is away on her first school trip. I’m so sorry OP. I wish I had an answer but I personally don’t buy any of the formula eg four stages of grief. I think it is very individual. I am thinking of getting the book Feeling Blah to try and recapture some sense of joy.

It depends. Some things for me just have never been the same since. For others, that feeling of not actually giving a shit anymore helped me, as I couldn't be bullied, coerced, manipulated or guilt tripped into doing anything I didn't want to; it gave me the freedom to say 'Nah, I'm not doing that'.

I think it was probably around the 5 month mark that I started to feel more like myself with just the occasional thing that caught me out.

This sums it up for me. Sending you love x

I'm sorry for what your bereavements. Three months is so very soon, this is totally normal.

I don't know if it makes it less frightening, but the "don't care" feeling is a protective numbing response - it's your brain protecting you to carry you through this period of pain.

Please don't feel guilty.

"Wallow"?

OP isn't describing wallowing in anything. And is only three months in.

It took at least a year and some bereavement counselling via the GP before anything that I would have previously seen as fun seemed even a little tiny bit something to look forward to- or just not completely awful and something to be avoided.

I found energy and patience that I didn’t think I would feel again, when a friend was bereaved a year after than I was. She had no close support, and I helped to get her through the first six months.

I felt steadily worse during the first year or so, then had a plateau for another year. It's only in this last year that I've started to feel 'better' again. It's the first major bereavement I've experienced and it was a lot worse than I expected.

Things do get better and life really does go on but you can't hurry it along. Just keep busy, keep yourself distracted so you're not over thinking the whole time and slowly you'll find yourself again.

3mths is really not a long time OP and you really should cut yourself some slack. Grief is different for everyone, both in depth and time. After I lost my father I have found my genuine response to friends or family experiencing loss is that the very intense overwhelming pain you feel now will fade into a dull ache that you live with everyday, sometimes not even realising it’s there, a memory may reopen that intensity for a moment but it fades again. The change in your grief is not a conscious one, one day you suddenly realise that you have had a somewhat normal day and then perhaps a normal week, there are still moments or sometimes days that are overwhelming but they become less and less over time. If you feel like you can’t cope you should talk to your gp, they will have a wealth of suggestions or groups/people they may be able to refer you. Wishing you all the best through this difficult time.

I’m so sorry, OP, it’s so hard and such early days for you. Sadly grief can’t be rushed, but it does ease gradually, I promise
This really resonates with me. Sending love ❤️

I think three months is no time at all,OP, and I'm very sorry for your loss. My mum died last summer and in some ways it feels harder now than in August. But I've found that although I find it very hard at times, and I still have a lot of times when I'm really heartbroken, the grief isn't quite as all-consuming as it was at first and there are days now when I don't cry and can talk about her without welling up. Everyone copes with grief differently and takes different times to heal, but you WILL start to feel better in time. It sounds like you have a supportive partner, so try to be kind to yourself as well.

My sibling died last summer and I have felt like this ever since, I have even really grieved for them, I’ve been completely numb ever since it happened. I used to be quite emotional, cry about sad things in the news etc but now I feel really apathetic about it all.

Yes I worried I would never feel better. The first year was awful. The second better. Not quite normal yet, but it is getting better all the time. Hugs to you.

I think in the longer term, a lot depends on the bereavement and relationship you had with the person, however you are still in incredibly early days OP. I've lost a lot of close relatives. While they all cause some form of sadness and grief, the hardest ones for me has been losing relatives the same age who I grew up with. Songs and things from our childhood feel a bit tarnished and I feel like I lost a big of my own identity and not just the relative who died.