When do things start to matter again after a bereavement? I just don't care

[Enjoytheweethings]

Sounds awful but have no energy or patience, then realised that I also just don't care? About anything, really.

Have no kids so nobody is being neglected. I really love my partner and care about our relationship obviously, but in terms of trying to do stuff that would enhance our lives, plan treats, etc...I just don't care. So I feel guilty now on top of everything else, because my lovely partner deserves a great life and has had a shit time. We have had multiple bereavements as well as other shitty life stress for several years.

Yesterday I frightened myself as I suddenly wondered if I have lost all in interest in things I've loved since childhood. Thinking of those things gave zero pleasure, just a hollow pointless irritated feeling.

Most of my interests were shared with the person I have lost, so they all hurt now.

I'm basically irritated, or weeping or anxious (which then sets off the irritability) most of the time.

When did you care about stuff after a huge bereavement? Did you ever worry it wouldn't come back?

@Enjoytheweethings it sounds like early days still. I feel so sad for your loss and for all of us sharing the pain of bereavement.
Honestly, in the first year or so I just went through the motions of going about the day, doing my job, being a wife, mother, friend. I thought that if I tried to be ok, one day I would be, and that sort of worked. You may feel this sense of hopelessness and numbness for a while but it will eventually pass.
I definitely feel better and more myself now but I don't think I'll ever truly be the same person I was. Grief and bereavement like you've experienced leaves scars but you will come to through it.

3 months is still so recent. When my Mum died I felt numb for about a year. I just struggled to get through each day. The first year is the hardest. I let DH step up to do more with children. I did the bare minimum. Sometimes I just sat down and silently cried. I still have an odd bad day even now, but most days are fine.

Years ago people stayed in mourning, didn't go to their usual activities for a year and that was acceptable. I am in lreland so maybe the UK was different. But it just shows that 3 months is nothing especially if it was a sudden or unexpected death where you had little time to prepare. Go easy on yourself and listen to your own emotions. Rest and just realise you are in a tough period but it won't be forever.

Three months is no time at all unfortunately. I even think for the first three months for me it didn't feel real and it got worse for a good while. The first three months for me it was all surreal and I can't really remember that Christmas or my birthday. It will get better but you have to give it time and accept it to a certain extent. If like me it's your first close loss I think that makes it different too. It may help speaking to someone but it may not. For me it didn't particularly as I didn't want to get upset but that still may come back to bite me on the backside 18 months later.

I think I temporarily lost my mind during my grieving period. I went back to work as soon as I could "to keep busy". That was a mistake. I was exhausted and suffering. I kept on as long as I could. I was signed off...can't remember when but may be 2-3 months later and had anti depressants (which I don't think helped).
At 6 months I recall going away for a break with my DH to somewhere we loved. I broke down. I cried so much.

It takes time.
I'm okay now.
Grieving is hard. It's normal to feel what you are feeling.

I am so sorry for your loss, OP.

What support do you have? Have you tried a bereavement support group or asked for counselling on NHS?

Bereavement can take a long time to get over. What you are describing is anhedonia which is a very frightening form of depression. I've had all sorts of variants of depression and that was the one that most frightened me.
To get through it, you really do have to act as if you care. Not to mask your feelings or lie about them, but as a way of trying to ease your mind and body back into caring.

I started by taking care of myself - good diet, exercise - lots of it, in fresh air if possible, and lots of different types - yoga, bootcamp, dance, swimming etc. If you associate a type of exercise with your loved one, try something else for now, if returning to it is too painful. Same with old interests. If you can't face them, take up something new.

I found it helpful to do community work too. I worked at a food bank for a year and seeing the delight on clients' faces really made my day every time and made me realise that it's worth making an effort.

Yes, IME things do start to matter again - people you love and who depend on you come to the fore, living your life while you still can starts to matter. But it took almost 2 years for me, and the loss still sits with me every day.

It felt too heavy to bear at first, but now it’s more manageable and I’ve realised it’s not something I’ll ever ‘get over’. I’ve made peace with the fact that I will carry grief with me every day forever - like a little pebble in my shoe - and it’s actually quite comforting somehow, like carrying a little piece of her with me. But I can function and feel happy and enjoy life again, and it’s all good.

Consuming grief is a truly terrible thing and it hits differently for everyone. There’s no ‘5 stages’, there’s no normal, there’s no expiry date, you just have to work through it day by day, be kind to yourself, take little bits of respite and happiness wherever you can find them.

Three months is no time at all - in fact, it’s probably the very worst moment, when the busy days of displacement activity surrounding a death and funeral have started to subside, and you suddenly find yourself with nothing else to think about and the white heat of grief really hits you. I’m sorry you’re so deep in it right now. Cliched as it is, hang in there - time really is your friend x

It took me a year. It was greatly helped by a bereavement course I did at church 9 months post bereavement (course is for all - not just believers).
After a year I just started to loose that feeling of horror and it turned to a more gentle pain and loss.
It’s rather like a storm at sea. After the initial storm the waves come less and less and more gently.

Three months is nothing. That's a difficult period where the numbness wears off and you start to feel the loss more. How long depends on the closeness and type of loss. Even then it is different for everyone.