AIBU to be a little peeved with DP.

[LaDamaDeElche]

DD and I went on a trip back to London from Friday to Tuesday. I worked right up until 8:30pm on the Thursday, so didn't get time to do any of the stuff round the house that I would usually do at the weekend.

DP is Spanish and this time he stayed in Spain. It was also a bank holiday weekend here, so he had three full days off work. I got back late last night and today we're back in school and work, so pretty tired. Anyway, my AIBU is that DP didn't do any of the cleaning, change the beds or wash the towels while we were away. The house was really tidy, as he's a very neat person, but I'm a bit peeved that he didn't do any of the weekly stuff that needs to be done. He did do the washing, topped up DD's bus pass and the food shop, but spent the rest of the weekend doing a mix of sport, chilling and met up with some friends on the Sat.

I normally do the majority of the cleaning and washing, as I don't work on Fridays, apart from teaching one class in the afternoon, so I get it done to have our weekends free of the grunt work. It seems like now somehow this has become "my job" and if I'm not here, it just won't get done, which I think is kind of unreasonable. Am I wrong? No backstory of him being an arse, or lazy (he's very tidy and is always wiping down the surfaces and keeping the place neat), but there's definitely a bit of a macho culture here where women do a lot more than men around the house and I think it just didn't occur to him that he should do it. When we lived together in london, we used to do all the household stuff together, but we worked equal hours then. DD's dad was an absolute slob and even he used to clean the house if we went away and he stayed at home, albeit not very well 😂

You are hard work and BVU.

you are not being unreasonable and you need to have a frank chat with him

How am I hard work? I haven't actually said anything to him, just something I thought when I came back.

Hmm I think YABU. He did do some stuff and it was his weekend as well so I don't see anything wrong with doing sports and seeing friends.

Just ask him to help you get on top of it now you're home.

You are a man.

@DifficultBloodyWoman

Nope.

100% woman. Can get MNHQ to verify if you really want.

if I had a few days off I wouldn’t spend it cleaning and I wouldn’t expect my husband to either. We both pull our weigh with regards to housework, but also deserve a bit of time off.

That's the point though, he tides, but I do all the cleaning, bed changing etc on my day off, so we can have the weekends free. When he used to visit Spain when we were in the U.K., I used to do the cleaning as normal. It's different here - we get cockroaches, loads of dust, a hot climate, so the bed is sweaty etc. I'm not an obsessive cleaver or anything lol, but it does have to be done weekly.

*tidies up

You had a few days off, he had a few days off 🤷‍♀️ He kept the place tidy, did the washing and made sure there was food. I couldn't personally get worked up about the fact that the beds hadn't been changed/towels washed.

He has done all of the essentials. The beds and towels can be left until your next day off. Unless you actually specified exactly what you wanted him to do and he agreed then he’s done nothing wrong.

In fact this sounds suspiciously like a reverse.

I don’t think YANBU at all. It was the normal routine of stuff to be done, and he was child free all weekend to do it. Would only have taken a small amount of his time.

YANBU if it's a job that needs doing it needs doing, so whomever is left at home really needs to get it done wether they usually do or not, otherwise why should you bother.

Why would I need to specify to another adult when it's what's done (albeit by me) week in and week out? I can accept AIBU, but not that I have to tell a man what needs doing around the house. That would be ridiculous. As I said to another poster, we live in a hot climate - bed sheets need to be changed every week and also get cockroaches, so the tiled floors have to be cleared of crumbs etc. That's why the Spanish clean a lot in general.

He's done plenty. It was a holiday weekend. He may not agree with you that there needs to be such a rigid schedule. You both had a lovely weekend, so time to relax and accept that occasionally you can take your foot off the gas with chores.... in the overall scheme of things, they really don't matter.

That's my thinking. Sometimes we have busy weekends etc or he is doing something and I'm at home and I still get the mundane, necessary things done - I don't see it as "this is my time as he's doing something" 🤷🏻‍♀️

He's very meticulous, which is why I'm surprised. I used to be messier when we met and he used to get on at me about cleaning and

that he was doing more, and I listened and started getting more organised. Now we're in a pattern where cleaning the house falls to me. I'm wondering if I went for say two weeks if he'd still not do it 😂

Yes YABU, but sometimes logic goes out of the window.

The issue here seems to be wider, that because you do everything on Fridays to free up the weekend it's easy for him not to see it and think that there really is a cleaning and washing fairy. Assuming you're happy to carry on with the Fridays, if you going back to London happens again, ask him to wash the sheets and sweep up. Given what he already does it doesn't sound like he'd have a problem with doing it.

I know that makes me sound potentially like the 50s have called and want me back, I'm basing it on what from what you've written seems to work the rest of the time for you and the family.

That's probably it. I think if we shared the chores more equally it wouldn't have irritated me, but as I do more to effectively benefit family time/his downtime at the weekend, it seemed a bit off that he couldn't do it for once.

If we go away again I'll tell him what needs to be done (even though in this day and age I shouldn't have to). I'll be leaving him to deal with any cockroaches this week too 😁

Sounds like he's done plenty then had some time off. I dont see the issue. Do things always need doing to the clock? If so I'd find that suffocating.

Why did the bedsheets need changing after 3 days?

Why would I need to specify to another adult when it's what's done (albeit by me) week in and week out?

Because you're here bitching that certain tasks weren't done. He did what he thought needed to be done and clearly doesn't agree that if the towels aren't changed you'll be overrun with cockroaches.

They haven't been changed since the Friday before last. They need to be changed weekly (some people change them twice a week in the summer) because it's already 34 degrees here people sweat at night.

YANBU and I would certainly be mentioning it - not in an angry way, but just pointing it out. Otherwise how will he know for next time?

ArmWrestlingWithChasAndDave No, the towels have nothing to do with cockroaches. Not doing the general cleaning - sweeping, mopping and general cleaning does. The towels were just something that gets done weekly, along with the beds and the cleaning by the cleaning fairy...sorry, me. He is a functioning adult who used to share the chores with me in London, so I think he can remember what gets done each week. He decided not to do it because he didn't want to and I'm not going to make a big deal of it, but when someone else is doing everything to enable you to have downtime every weekend, I personally don't think it's too much to take up the slack for one weekend. You do, so I guess we'll have to agree to disagree on that one.