AIBU to be a little peeved with DP.

[LaDamaDeElche]

DD and I went on a trip back to London from Friday to Tuesday. I worked right up until 8:30pm on the Thursday, so didn't get time to do any of the stuff round the house that I would usually do at the weekend.

DP is Spanish and this time he stayed in Spain. It was also a bank holiday weekend here, so he had three full days off work. I got back late last night and today we're back in school and work, so pretty tired. Anyway, my AIBU is that DP didn't do any of the cleaning, change the beds or wash the towels while we were away. The house was really tidy, as he's a very neat person, but I'm a bit peeved that he didn't do any of the weekly stuff that needs to be done. He did do the washing, topped up DD's bus pass and the food shop, but spent the rest of the weekend doing a mix of sport, chilling and met up with some friends on the Sat.

I normally do the majority of the cleaning and washing, as I don't work on Fridays, apart from teaching one class in the afternoon, so I get it done to have our weekends free of the grunt work. It seems like now somehow this has become "my job" and if I'm not here, it just won't get done, which I think is kind of unreasonable. Am I wrong? No backstory of him being an arse, or lazy (he's very tidy and is always wiping down the surfaces and keeping the place neat), but there's definitely a bit of a macho culture here where women do a lot more than men around the house and I think it just didn't occur to him that he should do it. When we lived together in london, we used to do all the household stuff together, but we worked equal hours then. DD's dad was an absolute slob and even he used to clean the house if we went away and he stayed at home, albeit not very well 😂

I will. I didn't want to say anything last night as I was tired and he sometimes gets a little on the defensive side about the division of chores.

It is your job though. Because you make it your job by doing it every week.

If my DH paid the mortgage every month and then he didn't one month, that wouldnt be my fault because a precedent has been set.

Redress the balance by all means. But if he never does that stuff then why would he suddenly think to? Especially when he knows you'll just do it when you're home again.

I think it's normal for many couples where one works more that the other person does more in the house. Things change if both people go back full time. This hasn't always been our set up, only since my teaching timetable changed. The chores were split equally. He knows what needs doing. I don't think that's comparable to paying a mortgage at all. It's more comparable to DP almost always does the bins, I don't leave a bin overflowing if he's out and not there to do it. I see the bin is full and take it out or, he always cleans the windows. A bird shat on the window the other day and I cleaned it. I didn't wait for him to come home because that's "his job". Surely adults see what needs doing and do it, or does that only apply to women?

*and, not "that"

It sounds like you do those jobs in exchange for working less hours outside of the home. So they are your jobs to do, no? If this isn't a fair split ongoing, then it absolutely needs discussing, but otherwise I would have expected you to organise your time around it, or ask him to do some bits whilst you were away if there were urgent things that need to be done that you couldn't fit in that couldn't wait until your next free time.

He kept everything in order and did the stuff that urgently needed doing (washing, bus pass, food shop), but otherwise he had a relaxing weekend, just like you had a relaxing weekend.

I think that when you habitually do jobs it's easy for the other person to forget about them. If your H is generally an equal partner then just get him to muck in to catch up one evening this week (it doesn't take hours to change bedsheets) and from now on agree to share this chore. He might have some chores he wants to share with you too.

It's complicated, as I work one day less than him, but I work split shifts as a language teacher, often not getting home until 9pm, whereas he's at home at 5:30pm every day. I do still work on Friday, but only one afternoon class, so I use Friday morning to get stuff done. We both do the food shop after my class. He gets to do sport in the evenings, so although I work less hours, with teaching prep and split morning and afternoon/evenings shifts, I don't have a lot of free time. I think there's probably a bigger conversation that needs to be had here than what wasn't done this weekend, it's true.

Hi @LaDamaDeElche , I'm also in Spain so get the bedding washing and floors/ crumbs ect. I'm sure my family in Ireland think I'm nuts for brushing through 3/4 times a day .
DH is also Irish and retired so is in the house more than me and does more but if he was away ( which he is 2 -3 times a year ) I still make sure everything is done
. YANBU to expect an adult to ..........adult.

The cleaning to avoid cockroaches and dust is relentless, isn't it!!

Sounds like an imbalance that needs a conversation.

As long as you accept doing more than your share, it will continue.

Why on earth should they be left until her next day off???

Usually I'd be 100% in the YANBU camp, but this one is a bit trickier. Overall, you seem to be happy with the general split of chores between you when you are both living your normal lives.

In which case, I think it's quite easy to imagine a scenario where as a result, the things you do have simply completely slipped off his radar in the way way that I imagine day to day tidying has slipped off yours if he's good at that.

So in this situation, I think you should have specified the chores that absolutely needed doing. In the same way that DH actually texts/calls to remind me to sort the bins on bin day if he's not here because it's just not on my radar unless he specifically tells me. Similarly, while we share the effort of putting washing on - and I probably do it a bit more - he is 95% responsible for folding it up and putting it away. If he's away, I'd probably do it, but only lf I happened to do a load of washing and then realised the need to fold and put away was getting out of hand. It's just not on my radar otherwise. It's not inconceivable that he could come home to a massive pile I haven't touched if it hasn't been forced down my throat....

he doesn't cook or meal plan. So if I'm away, I will specify to him what is available for him/dc to eat etc.

It sounds like he's got out off the habit of doing those things. Ideally he'd have a list in his head of the stuff you do but realistically he just took the opportunity to have some down time. You could have said, oh while I'm away could you change the sheets/towels or got him to help on your return.

because she's the housemaid? That post made me laugh.

My DH works more than me and does his an equal amount to me I would say. Admittedly we work 9-5 not split shifts.

He tends to do dishwasher, bins, i tend to do toilets and floors etc.

But if stuff needs doing I tell him to do it, like "can you cook tea while I do the pets"

Yes, adults should see what needs doing and do it, I fully support that. But sometimes people have blind spots.

For example DH does the dishwasher constantly. In the 10 years we have lived together I can count on one hand how often I've emptied it - same for him and the bathrooms. But that's because i have low tolerance for grubby floors and bathrooms and he doesnt notice it until weeks after I do and it broadly works out to equal hours of labour.

I think the problem is the idea that he works more so you should do more unpaid labour on that friday morning. He is being paid for that work time and unless he is putting more cash into the running of the house he is getting double benefits isnt he - being paid to work and getting less jobs at home.

In your shoes I'd default to either a chore list or chore lottery on a weekend. I know women love protecting the weekend for couples or family time but its foolish to work and do so much extra than your husband in the week so you can feel like you have earned a rest.

My mantra is that everyone DESERVES to rest, a rest does not need to be EARNED.