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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

want to keep in touch with baby stepgrandchild

46 replies

Iinhalechocolate · 03/05/2023 11:19

Hi, my son’s gf was pregnant when he met her and he took on the baby as his own. I’ve grown v close to the baby (1yr old) as I’ve been helping mind him since he was born. Now they’ve split up my son feels it is best for baby if we have no contact. He thinks it will confuse the little one if we are sending birthday gifts etc in the future. The baby’s mum is more than happy to keep in touch with me though. it eases my pain when I get an update or a little video. It feels wrong to me to turn my back on an innocent baby and I don’t see the harm in loving him from afar, like a long distance family friend. I feel really broken at the thought of cutting contact. Baby doesn’t hv a big family around him, no contact with bio father and no cousins etc. If I don’t cut contact it will cause serious diffs with my relationship with my son which I obv don’t want. Any suggestions welcome, thanks

OP posts:

mamnotmum · 03/05/2023 11:34

I think at age 1 the best thing is to cut the contact. The baby will never remember. It's what your son seems to want.

An older child Id have a different opinion but this is a baby.

Needmorelego · 03/05/2023 11:41

If the baby's mum is happy then you could be in their lives and just be known as "Aunty". Loads of children have an "Aunty" who is actually mums best friend/the neighbour from down the street etc
I think it sounds nice. The more people in a baby's life who love them is better.

LadyMargaretDevereux · 03/05/2023 11:55

I'd feel the same as you, op, and as long as you set your expectations low it can't be a bad thing to have someone else who loves that child and has an interest in them. Your ds can't have it both ways - you've helped them out by looking after the baby and you don't do that without getting attached because you weren't their childminder, you were family.

mindutopia · 03/05/2023 12:02

I think it's lovely for you to keep in touch, though I can see how it would be painful for your son as well. I think I'd feel quite weird (20+ years later) if my mum was still in touch with my boyfriend from school/uni days. It's probably quite painful for him.

But I don't think it will be confusing for the child. Lots of children grow up with 'aunities' who are not biologically related to them. I was never really close with my extended family (other than grandparents) but my mum had several friends who became 'grandparents' or 'aunts' to me. I'm in my 40s and I still keep in touch with them today. A child can never have too many people who care about them and I can't see how it would in any way be confusing.

Fupoffyagrasshole · 03/05/2023 12:39

once the mum is happy then i'd stay in touch!

why not

broadbeanquiche · 03/05/2023 12:41

At 1 it is in the child's best interest for it to stop now. Mum will move on from your son and possibly the child will get another stepdad. While I appreciate you mean well this child is nothing to do with you anymore. It may also hurt your son to know you are still pally with his ex if he moves on. Think future.

broadbeanquiche · 03/05/2023 12:42

It also depends on the circumstances around the split.

broadbeanquiche · 03/05/2023 12:45

Sorry.. one more thing:

he took on the baby as his own. this is exactly why this is a bad idea. Baby is only 1 and already he's put their life.

SparklyBlackKitten · 03/05/2023 12:47

Of course you dont stay in touch
She is nothing to you
She was only your temp step grandchild because your son was dating the mum

You can choose to stay in contact with the baby
But you'll end up losing your son

Easy choice id say

Oojamaflipp · 03/05/2023 12:47

I think although the mum is happy to keep in touch now, later down the line when she meets someone else and maybe settles down/marries and gets another extended family, I imagine keeping in touch with her exs mum will become a lot less of a priority to her and may even be conceived as weird by the new partner/husband and she may choose to cut ties anyway then. Which will be even harder, as you will have spent even longer in the babys life by that point.

I think IF you stay in touch, it would have to be very casual from your side with absolutely no expectations, otherwise you may be setting yourself up for heartbreak later down the line.

GoodChat · 03/05/2023 12:50

Keep in touch as moms friend, as opposed to step nan

Original poster

Iinhalechocolate · 03/05/2023 12:51

Thanks everyone i appreciate your very valid points

OP posts:

LakeTiticaca · 03/05/2023 13:09

I don't think you are being unreasonable. A baby can never have too many "aunties" to fuss over them.
I'm assuming that your son has cut them off completely, so if you did call in the mum for a cup of tea and to see the little one, he's not going to be present.

No need for him to even know IMHO

girlfriend44 · 03/05/2023 13:10

its abit selfish to cut contact , it means no more baby in your life and as you say the mother welcomes it.

Babies can never have too many people to love them.

Its not up to your son. Hes being selfish.

MatildaTheCat · 03/05/2023 13:19

Your relationship with this mother and baby can, I think be separate from your DS. Keeping in touch is fine I think though be careful about your boundaries - if the mother hasn’t got a lot of support she may end up asking things of you that are awkward such as childcare or loans.

Updates and perhaps occasional park meetings would be ideal. They will probably fade over time anyway.

aSofaNearYou · 03/05/2023 13:30

Is the mum on social media and if so does she post about the child? If so, I don't see the harm in being friends with her on there, you don't even need to interact but could see how the child is getting on.

Original poster

Iinhalechocolate · 03/05/2023 13:37

Yes I do see updates on social media which is nice, that would soften the blow of stepping back x

OP posts:

LadyJ2023 · 03/05/2023 13:41

Sorry just because son says so does not mean it's right to cut contact. If the mum is perfectly happy for you to stay in touch with baby then thats a totally separate relationship.

Original poster

Iinhalechocolate · 03/05/2023 13:42

We are a good distance apart, so Wd not physically meet up. Im just coming to terms with not seeing him in person, that’s why I struggle with no contact at all. Thank you for your reply

OP posts:

Laiste · 03/05/2023 13:42

Best to cut contact i think.

The baby isn't going to know who you are unless you see them regularly and that would be weird now your son has split up with the mum. Weird for your son and weird for who ever is going to be a dad to the child.

They were only together a year. Your son will move on, the mother has moved on, the baby won't know who you are and you will be left feeling even more hurt. Don't drag this out.

MadeForThis · 03/05/2023 13:50

I would be concerned that when the mum finds a new partner she would no longer want you to be involved.

IfOnlyThingsWereEasy · 03/05/2023 13:51

I think you will end up being hurt in the long run if you stay in touch. The mum will likely meet someone new in the not too distant future and if she settles down with them their family will become the child’s family, she wouldn’t have a strong reason to stay in touch then as her new partner might find it odd. Even if she meets a new partner in a few years time, the child will unlikely remember you in the far future if she pulls away from you then.
However, your son will remain your son. If you go against his wishes and carry on seeing his ex’s baby you might drive a wedge between you and him, he will trust you less. Then if he has any future children you might find yourself on the outside of that.

ClementWeatherToday · 03/05/2023 13:51

Why isn't your son going to stay in the life of the child he took on "as his own"? I've got a one year old, how can he have parented the baby since birth and now not want to even see it? (Especially as the baby has no relationship with the biological father - it doesn't sound like the mum is refusing contact?)

whumpthereitis · 03/05/2023 13:51

What problems could keeping in contact long term cause? Of course in an ideal world if you wanted to you could, and your son would be supportive, but it seems apparent that he’s not.

Is a relationship with your step grandchild more important to you than your relationship with your son? Would you have the support of other family members, or would there be at the least a split? What happens when the ex girlfriend gets into a new relationship and the child has a new father and grandparents? Where does that leave you?

And thinking long term, what about your relationship with your son, and his future family? You may find yourself with actual grandchildren you have little relationship with.

RedHelenB · 03/05/2023 13:53

Needmorelego · 03/05/2023 11:41

This. Why should a pool of loving adults shrink because of a relationship break up?

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