Page 2 | want to keep in touch with baby stepgrandchild

Iinhalechocolate · 2023-05-03T10:19:47+00:00

Hi, my son’s gf was pregnant when he met her and he took on the baby as his own. I’ve grown v close to the baby (1yr old) as I’ve been helping mind him since he was born. Now they’ve split up my son feels it is best for baby if we have no contact. He thinks it will confuse the little one if we are sending birthday gifts etc in the future. The baby’s mum is more than happy to keep in touch with me though. it eases my pain when I get an update or a little video. It feels wrong to me to turn my back on an innocent baby and I don’t see the harm in loving him from afar, like a long distance family friend. I feel really broken at the thought of cutting contact. Baby doesn’t hv a big family around him, no contact with bio father and no cousins etc. If I don’t cut contact it will cause serious diffs with my relationship with my son which I obv don’t want. Any suggestions welcome, thanks

AnIncreasingNumberOfPaws · 03/05/2023 13:54

This is the issue with the calling yourself step dad etc. You son was with someone who had a child. He no longer is. That’s the end of it.

Poor kid could end up with a collection of ‘step nans’ if every bf/partner is step dad. Dating and kids should be very separate for a very long time. And it should always remain, mums/dads partner to the kids. No need for this made up step parent rubbish.

x2boys · 03/05/2023 14:01

Stay in touch with the mum if you want but e baby is not really a step grandchild your son and his ex, had a relatively short relationship,it he goes on to
meet someone else and have children with them ,fell by this child a step.grandchild might confuse them.

Iwasafool · 03/05/2023 14:03

I hated that my mother kept in touch with my exH and his family. In the end I heard once too often about something she had told them about me (nothing scandalous just my business) and I gave her an ultimatum, him or me. Her decision. She chose me but couldn't understand why it bothered me but it did.

If you son doesn't want you to stay in contact think about your relationship with him and which relationship matters most.

x2boys · 03/05/2023 14:06

ClementWeatherToday · 03/05/2023 13:51

Why isn't your son going to stay in the life of the child he took on "as his own"? I've got a one year old, how can he have parented the baby since birth and now not want to even see it? (Especially as the baby has no relationship with the biological father - it doesn't sound like the mum is refusing contact?)

Because it was ashore term relationship and he's not the babies dad,maybe🙄and
More to the point why is the actual father not in the babies life?

Goldbar · 03/05/2023 14:23

I am also puzzled about how your son could 'parent' a baby for a whole year and then step away without a backward glance. I couldn't do it.

I would keep in touch but be very clear with yourself about your role so you don't become too attached. I don't see an issue so long as you position yourself as family friend (or 'auntie', as some people have suggested) rather than a grandparent figure. Lots of people have children in their lives who they're not related or only distantly related to, and in whom they take a kindly interest and send the occasional present.

whumpthereitis · 03/05/2023 14:39

ClementWeatherToday · 03/05/2023 13:51

Why isn't your son going to stay in the life of the child he took on "as his own"? I've got a one year old, how can he have parented the baby since birth and now not want to even see it? (Especially as the baby has no relationship with the biological father - it doesn't sound like the mum is refusing contact?)

Because that’s often the reality of step parent situations? It’s imagine it’s more unusual for stepparents to remain in contact with their ex stepchildren.

Stepparents are expected to play the role of doting parent or face criticism for not doing so. Some do step into that role, others may believe they can when in the throes of love, but find the reality to be different. Professing a bond to be there doesn’t necessarily mean that it is, or that the bond that is there is worth having long term contact with the ex for.

Snoken · 03/05/2023 14:53

I think I would just let this fizzle out. Maybe just share the odd message with the mother, but I don't think it needs to be anymore than that. If your DS came into her life when she was pregnant and the baby is now one it has been a very short relationship. If you also live far apart then there is no reason to do anymore than that. Chances are that she will meet someone else soon who will step in as a new stepdad and the connection you had will be so distant and abstract to the child that you might as well be a stranger off the street.

dottypotter · 03/05/2023 15:24

wheres the babys granny isnt she interested?

ily0xx · 03/05/2023 15:36

You seem really sweet OP! It’s up to you and the Mum what you do

x2boys · 03/05/2023 16:18

Goldbar · 03/05/2023 14:23

I am also puzzled about how your son could 'parent' a baby for a whole year and then step away without a backward glance. I couldn't do it.

I would keep in touch but be very clear with yourself about your role so you don't become too attached. I don't see an issue so long as you position yourself as family friend (or 'auntie', as some people have suggested) rather than a grandparent figure. Lots of people have children in their lives who they're not related or only distantly related to, and in whom they take a kindly interest and send the occasional present.

He would have no choice if that babies mum didn't want him involved ,as he's not the dad ,and it was a short relationship
imagine how confusing it would be in say five years time when they have both moved on with new partners and maybe more children ,and he was still seeing a child who was completely unrelated to him ,who he was only in a relationship with the mother for less than a couple of years it would be odd
best to cut contact now

whumpthereitis · 03/05/2023 16:20

ily0xx · 03/05/2023 15:36

You seem really sweet OP! It’s up to you and the Mum what you do

Of course it is, but it’s disingenuous to pretend that choosing to continue a relationship, knowing how her son feels about it, won’t have consequences that OP would, on balance, prefer not to to have to live with.

SomePosters · 03/05/2023 16:21

So taking this baby on as his own looks like fucking them off after a year

This is why I don’t do step parents. It’s all big promises while they are loved up and shagging their mum and then fucked off as soon as they can’t be arsed with the realities of life.

You want to have stern words with that lad you’ve raised or your going to wind up feeling like this about your actual grandchildren too

ily0xx · 03/05/2023 16:30

whumpthereitis · 03/05/2023 16:20

Of course it is, but it’s disingenuous to pretend that choosing to continue a relationship, knowing how her son feels about it, won’t have consequences that OP would, on balance, prefer not to to have to live with.

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I doubt OP’s son will cut contact with her over it, and she doesn’t have to announce it to him every time she sees the step grandchild.

x2boys · 03/05/2023 16:41

SomePosters · 03/05/2023 16:21

So taking this baby on as his own looks like fucking them off after a year

This is why I don’t do step parents. It’s all big promises while they are loved up and shagging their mum and then fucked off as soon as they can’t be arsed with the realities of life.

You want to have stern words with that lad you’ve raised or your going to wind up feeling like this about your actual grandchildren too

And how do you know it was he sons fault the relationship ended ?
This child is nothing to do with him ,maybe my should be more concerned why 're ACTUAL,father isn't involved🤔

Iwasafool · 03/05/2023 18:57

ily0xx · 03/05/2023 16:30

I doubt OP’s son will cut contact with her over it, and she doesn’t have to announce it to him every time she sees the step grandchild.

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I was quite prepared to cut my mother off if she kept in touch with my ex/his family. I didn't want to, we were very close, but I was prepared to.

SomePosters · 03/05/2023 20:05

x2boys · 03/05/2023 16:41

And how do you know it was he sons fault the relationship ended ?
This child is nothing to do with him ,maybe my should be more concerned why 're ACTUAL,father isn't involved🤔

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If he had truly taken on this child as his own he would be going for access, like any decent parent separated from a child they love.

People throw the term step parent around for every partner they expose their kids to. It’s deeply unhelpful

There could be many reasons why the bio dad is not involved, I don’t see what you hope to gain from pulling him into this discussion.

This is about op wanting to maintain a relationship she committed to, more that most people who use the term step parents bother with

whumpthereitis · 03/05/2023 20:08

ily0xx · 03/05/2023 16:30

I doubt OP’s son will cut contact with her over it, and she doesn’t have to announce it to him every time she sees the step grandchild.

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Why would you doubt it? It depends on how strongly he feels about it, but it absolutely could be something that leads to estrangement. And that could easily have a knock on impact on the relationships between other family members too.

QuickGuide · 03/05/2023 20:09

I don't know tbh. Can you son say why he's so against it. Presumably you won't be "granny" , more a friend of the family?

It would be odd to any future DIL that you were still close to his ex and her child, I think?

x2boys · 03/05/2023 21:02

SomePosters · 03/05/2023 20:05

If he had truly taken on this child as his own he would be going for access, like any decent parent separated from a child they love.

People throw the term step parent around for every partner they expose their kids to. It’s deeply unhelpful

There could be many reasons why the bio dad is not involved, I don’t see what you hope to gain from pulling him into this discussion.

This is about op wanting to maintain a relationship she committed to, more that most people who use the term step parents bother with

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They were together less than two years 🙄
Blame the mum who moved their new boyfriend in to play Daddy (or can mums never be blamed ??)/or blame the actual FATHER!

SomePosters · 03/05/2023 21:32

x2boys · 03/05/2023 21:02

They were together less than two years 🙄
Blame the mum who moved their new boyfriend in to play Daddy (or can mums never be blamed ??)/or blame the actual FATHER!

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Im not sure whose post your replying to when quoting me because I absolutely do blame the mother for moving some bloke she hardly knows into the role of step parent

That doesn’t exonerate the guy who thought it would be fun to play pretend families but never committed to a child he was supposedly ‘raising as his own’

whatever the bio dad has or has not done isn’t relevant here. They could be dead for all you know.
It isn’t just feckless twats who leave behind fatherless kids

Kanaloa · 03/05/2023 21:36

Honestly I think if she’s found a ‘new dad’ for her baby before it is even one year old, there will probably be another new dad soon - at which point you won’t be welcome as nobody wants a reminder of their ex hanging around.

This is why you shouldn’t be acting like you are a child’s dad/grandma etc when you must have been with the mother less than a year. And I say that as someone who has a wonderful MIL who has taken my older two on as her own grandkids.