Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset that my exh has refused to allow me to a family party

35 replies

onlyaredpen · 03/05/2023 09:24

My exh and I ended four years ago after he had an affair and left for ow.
I remain very close with his family and visit them once a year for a week so our kids and I can have a relationship with hos parents and family . They live 400km away.
My exh has little or no relationship with them and doesn't bring kids on holidays to them etc.
His mother will be 80 in summer and a surprise party has been planned .
My exh was told by his sibling that I will be invited and that I am
Very much wanted there as part of the family,
He said nothing at the time.
When I was formally invited , I accepted the invitation as long as my exh was ok with it as I did t want any awkwardness etc. it wouldn't upset me whatsoever to be there.
That ship has sailed.
My exh is still on the relationship with his affair partner despite it being on and off regularly.
She refuses to meet our children and he has told the children during one break up that she was controlling about who he spent his time with.
Anyway, his sibling has text me to say the party is off as he rang the family and verbally abused them for not
Consulting with him and what a disgrace it was.
The family are very upset as am I and
our kids.
I expect that this is because his partner would go mental. We are relatively amicable.
The family are shaken by his verbal bullying... their words.
Was he a prick here or is he justified .
Thanks .

OP posts:
Whataretheodds · 03/05/2023 09:29

It's up to her who she invites and she isentitled to change her mind to please/reaasure your ex, if she chooses.

Is it nice to verbally abuse your family? No.
Does that change the above? No.

Presumably the kids can still go.

Nordicrain · 03/05/2023 09:31

I don't know, I think it's a bit unusual to be expected to go to a family party with yoru ex ILs "as part of the family". I wouldn't be keen to have my (theoretical) ex at something like this. Especailly if I had a new partner. So I think YABU.

Valour · 03/05/2023 09:36

I think his family made it very difficult for him and his DP by inviting you tbh. I appreciate that you're close to his family, but he might be too if he was geographically closer.
FWIW I've been invited to XH's family gatherings by his siblings, and though they're lovely people, I've declined the invitations. When a marriage ends, I do think it's useful and important to draw a line under it, and remain friendly but to accept that you're no longer family.

Butchyrestingface · 03/05/2023 09:38

When I was formally invited , I accepted the invitation as long as my exh was ok with it as I did t want any awkwardness etc.

You said you were only willing to go on the condition that your ex was happy with it. Turns out he's not and has made his feelings plain.

Don't really understand why you're wasting headspace wondering whether he's a prick or not. His relationship with HIS family is not your circus anymore.

DownNative · 03/05/2023 09:39

Whataretheodds · 03/05/2023 09:29

It's up to her who she invites and she isentitled to change her mind to please/reaasure your ex, if she chooses.

Is it nice to verbally abuse your family? No.
Does that change the above? No.

Presumably the kids can still go.

OP said, "Anyway, his sibling has text me to say the party is off as he rang the family...".

So, there is no party anymore. As a result, the exh is unreasonable here.

broadbeanquiche · 03/05/2023 09:41

I think you need to take a massive step back from his family. If they want a relationship with your children then your ex needs to facilitate it.

regenerista · 03/05/2023 09:43

I don't understand why his family are allowing him to dictate anything. Why didn't they tell him he's an arsehole no longer welcome and carry on with the party plans?

Original poster
onlyaredpen · 03/05/2023 09:43

My ex has little or not relationship with our children.
They refuse point blank to Go to him for weekends and holidays.
This is why I bring them to see them
Every year.

OP posts:
Whowhatwherewhenwhy1 · 03/05/2023 09:45

He is a dick. You are the one maintaining a relationship with his family so that your kids can do so with 50% of their family. They are your kids relations and always will be regardless of what has gone before.
your ex husband has made no effort. He is your ex. You were invited and wanted by the family and as such he should not get to dictate who can or cannot go to an event he is not hosting or organising. He is putting his on off affairee before his kids right to build family connections. The fact that he is being so abusive to his family shows you are better off without him. What a total dick if as a grown up he cannot attend and keep a civil tongue in his head for a couple of hours. He does not even need to speak to you if he wants to be a twat about it. But he should bot be being allowed to manipulate everyone.

TimeForTeaAndG · 03/05/2023 09:47

I wouldn't have caveated your acceptance with "so long as ex is ok with it." You were invited, you continue to have a relationship with the family along with your children. He's clearly a dickhead so stop factoring him in.

His behaviour towards his family is between them and him.

Suzannargh · 03/05/2023 09:49

YABU, you’re facilitating a relationship between your child and your ex’s family, which they appreciate but it doesn’t make you family too.

Ex sounds like an idiot for not seeing his children, but I wouldn’t want my ex showing up at my family events either.

Fraaahnces · 03/05/2023 09:51

He is a prick. Maybe arrange to take the kids up there and “surprise” her for her birthday anyway. Fuck him. He knows you’re still close to his family and can’t cope with the fact that they have no respect for his behaviour. Reaping & sowing, etc.

readbooksdrinktea · 03/05/2023 09:58

Suzannargh · 03/05/2023 09:49

YABU, you’re facilitating a relationship between your child and your ex’s family, which they appreciate but it doesn’t make you family too.

Ex sounds like an idiot for not seeing his children, but I wouldn’t want my ex showing up at my family events either.

This is how I would feel. Besides, it's one thing to take the kids there for a week. Being there for a family event with your ex and the woman he left for - when he's clearly a twat? I think that's a bit odd.

whumpthereitis · 03/05/2023 10:00

Well, regardless of whether he’s unreasonable or not, it seems they have chosen to acquiesce to his wishes. They absolutely can choose to ignore him and continue their relationship with you, but they haven’t.

I think it’s more common than not for families to choose their own, no matter the rights and wrongs of a situation.

Original poster
onlyaredpen · 03/05/2023 10:02

His partner will not be there .
She wants nothing to do with any family and she is not welcome to their family either.
They haven't accepted what ye has done .

OP posts:
Ohhmydays · 03/05/2023 10:20

My mum and dad have been split up nearly 30years, both remarried. From day 1, Even up until a few years ago when my nana passed away my mum, nana and aunts would often visit each other and meet up. My mum still got invited to my cousins wedding a few years after they split and everyone had a great time. My aunts still class my mum as their sister

potatohead1 · 03/05/2023 10:55

Nordicrain · 03/05/2023 09:31

I don't know, I think it's a bit unusual to be expected to go to a family party with yoru ex ILs "as part of the family". I wouldn't be keen to have my (theoretical) ex at something like this. Especailly if I had a new partner. So I think YABU.

Birthday person wants her to go so she is vv much not bu

Snugglemonkey · 03/05/2023 12:22

Valour · 03/05/2023 09:36

I think his family made it very difficult for him and his DP by inviting you tbh. I appreciate that you're close to his family, but he might be too if he was geographically closer.
FWIW I've been invited to XH's family gatherings by his siblings, and though they're lovely people, I've declined the invitations. When a marriage ends, I do think it's useful and important to draw a line under it, and remain friendly but to accept that you're no longer family.

When there are children, family ties are more than just the marriage that made them.

WandaWonder · 03/05/2023 12:27

onlyaredpen · 03/05/2023 10:02

His partner will not be there .
She wants nothing to do with any family and she is not welcome to their family either.
They haven't accepted what ye has done .

This is all nothing to do with you

Original poster
onlyaredpen · 03/05/2023 12:28

No .. but it does provide context.

OP posts:
Landndialamrhf · 03/05/2023 12:31

I think it’s fine that he doesn’t want you there. It would be nice if you could all be amicable but you can’t so there’s not much you can do, except keep the ties with his family for the sake of your children

I don’t think you’re fair to blame his partner, when he made the choice to act the way he acted.
verbally abusing people obviously isn’t ok.

charabang · 03/05/2023 12:32

Are the children still invited and does he plan to take them?

AnneLovesGilbert · 03/05/2023 12:33

You shouldn’t have said you’d only go if he was happy about it. Just weird given how close you say you are to his family and what a shit you paint him to be. You’d won, why then try and be virtuous about it?

You did, he’s not happy, now you can’t go.

GreenClock · 03/05/2023 12:40

I think that you need to step back. I find it a bit weird that you’re still invited to family events tbh, it’s as if they’re trying to send a blunt message to your ex’s partner and using you as a pawn. You then come across as the saddo who can’t let go, when that really is not the case.

Get on with your life and leave them to it. Your kids can be in touch with them directly when they’re older, if they so choose.

DownNative · 03/05/2023 13:04

charabang · 03/05/2023 12:32

Are the children still invited and does he plan to take them?

OP clearly said the party is now off, so no they're not...

Swipe left for the next trending thread