To be upset that my exh has refused to allow me to a family party

[onlyaredpen]

My exh and I ended four years ago after he had an affair and left for ow.
I remain very close with his family and visit them once a year for a week so our kids and I can have a relationship with hos parents and family . They live 400km away.
My exh has little or no relationship with them and doesn't bring kids on holidays to them etc.
His mother will be 80 in summer and a surprise party has been planned .
My exh was told by his sibling that I will be invited and that I am
Very much wanted there as part of the family,
He said nothing at the time.
When I was formally invited , I accepted the invitation as long as my exh was ok with it as I did t want any awkwardness etc. it wouldn't upset me whatsoever to be there.
That ship has sailed.
My exh is still on the relationship with his affair partner despite it being on and off regularly.
She refuses to meet our children and he has told the children during one break up that she was controlling about who he spent his time with.
Anyway, his sibling has text me to say the party is off as he rang the family and verbally abused them for not
Consulting with him and what a disgrace it was.
The family are very upset as am I and
our kids.
I expect that this is because his partner would go mental. We are relatively amicable.
The family are shaken by his verbal bullying... their words.
Was he a prick here or is he justified .
Thanks .

@onlyaredpen Why don't you arrange a week to visit around her Birthday and you all go out for a meal? She would love that, your kids would see the family and it's nothing to do with Ex because it is YOU organising it (with help from someone closer)?

It's very kind and considerate of you to visit your ex in-laws. They must be so grateful to you. I'm sure your ex MIL must feel very embarrassed and ashamed of her pathetic son for pretty much giving up on his children.

I would let this one go and continue as normal with your annual visits. If you were feeling kind, then you could suggest visiting close to the birthday for a separate celebration.

This is a good idea.

Why on earth would you pay a blind bit of notice to what he wants?

Very silly of you.

Follow your childrens lead, blank him.

Go back and read the post. Please.

I read it before I first posted. I think the exH and his partner have behaved poorly and I'm not surprised OP is upset but ultimately if the SIL /family want to appease him then there's not much OP can do.

My stepson lived with me for about 10 years then his girlfriend came for 3 years . They are getting married and want me there despite the fact I had an acrimonious split with his dad . I will attend with my DS . I can’t say I am looking forward to it but would like to see them married and I am adult enough to be civil to ex.

Next time, don't involve yourself in what he wants. Accept the invite. Think nothing of him and his partner.

It's very unusual that you've maintained a relationship with his family like this. It's great for your children. Sounds like he wouldn't have bothered.

Zombie thread

So on another thread an OP (male) was told that his new GF was nuts and controlling for freaking out over the ex wife attending a play with his sister as she’s known the family for 25 years. Loads of posters waded in and gold him that his ex wife was absolutely entitled to attend a play by his niece as she’s had such close ties with his family for so long and the new girlfriend needed to “wind her neck in” YET on this thread loads of people are telling the OP that she needs to step away from her ex’s family.

I think this just highlights the disparity of opinions related to subjective views. The advice should be that the OP has built years of rapport with ex’s family and her MIL wanted her at the party and it’s the cheating ex husband and his side piece that should be grown up about it.