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AIBU?

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Original poster

To wish friend's decluttering obsession would wind down a bit

50 replies

YesMildred · 02/05/2023 16:02

I've name changed.

Close friend is OBSESSED with decluttering. She moved house twice to have a home that was 'easier to declutter.' Her kids are limited to something like 25 items in their rooms, and if they get something new, they have to throw something away/charity bag it. She tells me that kids (8 x 2 and 13) are totally on board with this and completely agree with decluttering obsession.

All of this isn't the issue - it's her life and I'm not bothered how she chooses to live it - it's just that she talks constantly about it. All the time, listing stuff that's she's decluttered, how her kids piled things in the middle of the floor to show how much they were decluttering, etc.

My twin issues are being a bit bored of hearing about it, but that's not a biggie, but I'm kind of starting to feel reluctant to invite her over as I'm starting to feel weirdly judged.

We've got a nice home. It's usually clean and tidy, with a normal amount of stuff around. We've got young kids and are keen on craft/art/playing so there's lots of that, but all pretty organised. From other friend's homes, it's all just normal. I'm actually pretty good at decluttering myself, but a few times a year, not daily (she genuinely is doing it daily - going through drawers and her DH's things to find things to get rid of).

My friend comes to chat and drink coffee, and she goes on and on about decluttering, how much the kids LOVE it and on it goes, while I sit there, starting to feel really aware of just having stuff. We've been friends for years, and this feeling is only just creeping up on me - I'm not prone to feeling judged as a rule.

I feel now that she's gazing around, thinking my house looks like shit basically, and her kids are up in my DC's rooms, and even they're wondering why there are toy boxes and that it all looks cluttered and crap (they keep a few toys in separate plastic bags in the cellar, to be brought out upon request). She's a nice person, and would immediately being all super reassuring that she wasn't judging a THING, but how can decluttering be such a huge part of her life and yet not affect her enjoyment of 'normal' spaces that aren't hers?

It's not a huge problem in the great scheme, but she's one of my closest friends and I don't want to hurt her feelings, but I'm starting to dread her coming to our house!

OP posts:
Bamboozleme · 02/05/2023 16:04

How often do you and your friend actually get together?

araiwa · 02/05/2023 16:04

introduce them to Jesus, Amway, Herbalife or whatever everytime they bring it up

Bamboozleme · 02/05/2023 16:06

She's a nice person, and would immediately being all super reassuring that she wasn't judging a THING,

well then trust her that she’s not judging

readbooksdrinktea · 02/05/2023 16:07

If it bothers you then meet up with her outside of your home.

Honeyboomboom · 02/05/2023 16:10

Distract, change the topic, put a boundary in with her that you don’t want to discuss this any further. It sounds blooming’ tedious, I don’t blame you. I am a ruthless declutterer, my own stuff not my children’s, but I don’t ever remember discussing it with anyone. My Dh takes the piss out of me telling people how he gets me a skip for my birthday or Valentine’s Day, he doesn’t he is just taking the piss out of me.

Original poster
YesMildred · 02/05/2023 16:11

Bamboozleme · 02/05/2023 16:04

How often do you and your friend actually get together?

Most weeks. And yes ( to another poster) we could easily meet up outside and did during COVID. I found it SO much easier tbh. I think that's when I started to feel a negativity about it all. But the kids love to play here - we've got a big garden and all the DC love dressing up etc.

I don't want to spoil that, I just want to shake off this growing irritation.

OP posts:
Mabelface · 02/05/2023 16:12

I bet her kids absolutely love coming to your house and being able to play freely with toys. Leave her to her thing, nod your head and change the subject. She'll chill out about it eventually, especially when all of the kids hit their teens and have bedrooms like middens despite her efforts.

NeedToChangeName · 02/05/2023 16:13

I'm a big fan of decluttering, but it's a tedious topic to discuss

Can you politely redirect her eg "Yes, I remember you said before that you like decluttering. Anyway, did you hear about Jenny's holiday?" If you do that every single time, she might get the message

Laiste · 02/05/2023 16:13

It sounds a little bit like obsession is creeping in.

Can you view it the same way you would if she was obsessively doing something else and telling you about it?

Laiste · 02/05/2023 16:15

I mean you could bite the bullet and say with complete kindness (during a pause in a decluttering story)

''Laura, (or whoever) i know you are really into this decluttering thing, but it's taking up so much of your head space ... do you think you think you might be letting it take over a little bit?''

MollyRover · 02/05/2023 16:17

How much stuff does she buy that she's able to declutter daily?? That's her problem I'd say.

Aquamarine1029 · 02/05/2023 16:17

If she's a good friend you should be able to talk to her about it. Can you ask her, very nicely, if you could both agree to stop talking about decluttering. Be honest and tell her it's making you uncomfortable and slightly anxious.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 02/05/2023 16:21

It sounds boring but we all have our hobbies. I wonder if she comes from a cluttered home and is constantly reassuring herself that she has control of her environment now?

Don't feel judged though because your home sounds normal, and her obsession is about her and not you.

Doingmybest12 · 02/05/2023 16:27

I would worry it has become an unhealthy thing for her. Would you be able to say you are worried about her ?

Cam22 · 02/05/2023 16:29

She has OCD.

SingaporeSlinky · 02/05/2023 16:41

I’d probably just say “if you’re decluttering every day, how can you possibly have anything left to get rid of?” And then next time she brings it up, I’d say the same thing again, and again until she gets the message. She’ll realise how often she’s talking about it when she hears you reply with the same question each time.

ManateeFair · 02/05/2023 16:43

I feel now that she's gazing around, thinking my house looks like shit basically

As she's given you no indication whatsoever that this is the case, I'd say this is very much your problem, not hers. You're massively projecting here. She does her thing in her house, you do your thing in hers. Really not an issue. It's not her fault you feel the way you do.

DancyNancy · 02/05/2023 16:58

I feel like I would be judged about my house, being small, cluttered, messy, and dirty at times, badly needs painting, unfinished bits around, skirting board needs replacing etc.

However if I walked into someone else's house and it was exactly like ours I probably wouldn't notice all that, or care at all and wouldn't judge. We see things in our own houses that bother us in our own. But in others don't bat an eyelid.

She quite possibly just does her own thing in her own house but isn't bothered by others houses

FlamingoQueen · 02/05/2023 17:10

Her house sounds strict and cold! Yours sounds like a home. I know which one I’d rather have a cuppa in (yours!).

maxelly · 02/05/2023 17:14

She sounds absolutely crackers. How much decluttering can there possibly be left to do if she's been at it for years as a (bloody weird) hobby already? Surely she must be at the stage where she needs to re-clutter in order to have more de-cluttering to do (if the kids love doing it so much and make huge piles etc). Why does she have so much stuff available to be thrown away in the first place, does she constantly buy the kids new toys or loads of clothes/make up or similar (in which case her hobby isn't really decluttering, it's shopping!) - does she dispose of all this stuff responsibly too i.e. recycle or sell on or charity shop or is it all going in the bin? Does her DH not mind having his possessions binned with impunity? I'd have so many questions! Grin

Seriously I totally get what you mean, I don't mind an occasional declutter myself (and quite like a bit of a vicarious thrill through watching Stacey Soloman's TV show) but objectively speaking our house is still on the cluttered side, and I would like you feel quite bored/irritated and judged by her going on about it all the time. The details of someone else's decluttering or any other household task really aren't that interesting to anyone else - if she's otherwise a good friend would she be offended if you just came out and told her you really aren't that interested in hearing about 'decluttering' any more or limited her to 5 minutes talking about it at a time before the subject has to be changed? I guess we all have our pet topics that maybe aren't that interesting to others and good friends will tolerate it up to a point but not forever?

Whatabouteverything · 02/05/2023 17:24

OCD!

OP next time she brings it up- look her in the eye and softly say you're worried about her- is everything OK? Has this decluttering gone a bit too far- seems a bit obsessional- would she like to chat about it. I could definitely do this with My close friends but you know her best.

Bananalanacake · 02/05/2023 17:37

She would faint if she saw my house, I have a Lego room, a Playmobil room (also DD's bedroom), a Duplo area which also houses the My Little Pony and Sylvanian Families collections. My Brio, Barbies and Schleich collections have to live in the attic room. We are looking for a bigger house.

Peachy2005 · 02/05/2023 17:40

You’ll probably feel great when you finally ask her to stop talking about decluttering.

I did this today when I finally asked my sports-mad friend who had already been talking about it for ages if we could now stop talking about sports: she knows very well I have never had any sporting interest. And it felt great 😊

good luck!

MikaBelle · 02/05/2023 17:49

ManateeFair · 02/05/2023 16:43

I feel now that she's gazing around, thinking my house looks like shit basically

As she's given you no indication whatsoever that this is the case, I'd say this is very much your problem, not hers. You're massively projecting here. She does her thing in her house, you do your thing in hers. Really not an issue. It's not her fault you feel the way you do.

It's no one's fault, but the op has posted a fairly well explained account of how someone's actions/words are starting to get under her skin.

The op isn't 'massively projecting' at all. They're just saying the way the decluttering obsession makes them feel.

I totally get it. The drip drip of a constant message can be uncomfortable.

FictionalCharacter · 02/05/2023 18:07

She’s very pleased with herself isn’t she! And ever so slightly obsessed.