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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To wish friend's decluttering obsession would wind down a bit

50 replies

YesMildred · 02/05/2023 16:02

I've name changed.

Close friend is OBSESSED with decluttering. She moved house twice to have a home that was 'easier to declutter.' Her kids are limited to something like 25 items in their rooms, and if they get something new, they have to throw something away/charity bag it. She tells me that kids (8 x 2 and 13) are totally on board with this and completely agree with decluttering obsession.

All of this isn't the issue - it's her life and I'm not bothered how she chooses to live it - it's just that she talks constantly about it. All the time, listing stuff that's she's decluttered, how her kids piled things in the middle of the floor to show how much they were decluttering, etc.

My twin issues are being a bit bored of hearing about it, but that's not a biggie, but I'm kind of starting to feel reluctant to invite her over as I'm starting to feel weirdly judged.

We've got a nice home. It's usually clean and tidy, with a normal amount of stuff around. We've got young kids and are keen on craft/art/playing so there's lots of that, but all pretty organised. From other friend's homes, it's all just normal. I'm actually pretty good at decluttering myself, but a few times a year, not daily (she genuinely is doing it daily - going through drawers and her DH's things to find things to get rid of).

My friend comes to chat and drink coffee, and she goes on and on about decluttering, how much the kids LOVE it and on it goes, while I sit there, starting to feel really aware of just having stuff. We've been friends for years, and this feeling is only just creeping up on me - I'm not prone to feeling judged as a rule.

I feel now that she's gazing around, thinking my house looks like shit basically, and her kids are up in my DC's rooms, and even they're wondering why there are toy boxes and that it all looks cluttered and crap (they keep a few toys in separate plastic bags in the cellar, to be brought out upon request). She's a nice person, and would immediately being all super reassuring that she wasn't judging a THING, but how can decluttering be such a huge part of her life and yet not affect her enjoyment of 'normal' spaces that aren't hers?

It's not a huge problem in the great scheme, but she's one of my closest friends and I don't want to hurt her feelings, but I'm starting to dread her coming to our house!

OP posts:

the80sweregreat · 02/05/2023 18:09

It's obviously become an obsession with her and one to be pitied really as it's become all consuming and it might even affect her children negatively too.
It's things like this that makes people back away from friendships. Mostly because nobody likes feeling they are being judged for not doing what they are doing.
I'm sure someone will point out how boring it is hearing about it , eventually!

JusthereforXmas · 02/05/2023 19:12

We have too much and I'm currently de-cluttering but my god some people take it to the wildest extremes.

It sounds like an addiction.

Like eating disorders and other similar 'restriction' lifestyles its an obsessive way for some people to force control which isn't 'healthy' but if its just themselves they are effecting fine but pushing it on kids is not cool.

Rockbird · 02/05/2023 19:13

Is she in Surrey and looking for something to pass the time? She'd have a field day decluttering my crap.

verabarbleen · 02/05/2023 19:16

That does sound annoying . I'd try saying (every time she goes on about it ) "oh what must you think of me?!" In a jokey way, she hopefully will start to think it might offend you and just not bring it up anymore (especially if she actually does judge you ) !

MatildaTheCat · 02/05/2023 19:20

Maybe she should go into business? She does sound obsessed and there’s no harm at all in telling a very good friend that it’s all a bit much. Just laugh and say, ‘stop! No more decluttering talk today. Fancy a cuppa?’

I agree with others thou, she’s obsessed with her clutter (perfectly normal belongings), yours are of no interest.

Merangutan · 02/05/2023 19:24

YANBU. However, please send her round to my house. Or let her declutter a bit of yours. It’s the best feeling ever, tbf to her.

Arewehumanorarewecupboards · 02/05/2023 19:47

Start giving some psychology to her. Stroke your chin while saying, ‘and when did this all start for you? Let’s start with your early years…’

Arewehumanorarewecupboards · 02/05/2023 19:48

Btw there’s a reason that they come to yours.

RosaBaby2 · 02/05/2023 19:51

My sister is like this she's always giving stuff away and it gets on my nerves because it's not what the kids want. I absolutely know I hoard stuff the kids have made, birthday cards, christening gifts etc but she literally doesn't appreciate or treasure anything and it's SO annoying!! To the point her children don't want to buy or make her anything for occasions as "mum won't like it" I find it really sad.

Ponoka7 · 02/05/2023 19:54

I really got into Marie Kondo. It is about controlling my environment and partly because I have CF and it's easier to keep clean. I've helped other people after being asked. I sorted out my DP's. But I don't judge, we should all enjoy were we live. The judgement is in your head and it isn't fair to have bad feelings towards her because of that. You are within your rights to ask her to change the subject, or ask her why she buys enough to need a clear out so often.

Naimee87 · 02/05/2023 19:59

I cannot think of a single child i know that would enjoy decluttering. Unless it was a kid on the receiving end, getting a bunch of free toys. I’d love to know how she’s bribing her kids at those ages to get rid of their stuff. Mine barely cleans his room but when he does we find so much stuff which bring good memories. I’m sure your home is lovely. I wouldn’t have any issue having her over either and i wouldn’t be able to help myself i’d even leave extra stuff around when she comes. It’d be clean but i’d leave out extra ugly ornaments everywhere and ask what she thinks of them.

itsmylife7 · 02/05/2023 20:08

What I don't understand with this type of post is, you say she's a great friend , so just tell her you're bored of her talking about her decluttering.

I can imagine having to listen to boring stuff at work meetings but not with good friends 😊

BHRK · 02/05/2023 20:14

Her kids don’t enjoy decluttering, what a load of crap.
if she was my good friend I’d say “seriously, we need to talk about something other than your decluterring. I’m beginning to worry about you!” Tell her you need to change the subject!

midlifecrash · 02/05/2023 20:23

“They keep a few toys in separate plastic bags in the cellar, to be brought out upon request”
I had to read this a few times. Are you saying they don’t have any toys, except in the cellar, and they have to specifically ask for them?
I’d be the first to admit that I am messy and disorganised, but this does not sound healthy for the children.

MysteryBelle · 02/05/2023 20:43

I think this is easily resolved. She’s a good friend so jokingly tell her you hope she isn’t judging your house, and that will be all that’s needed probably to make her aware that she needs to dial back a little on her gushing.

But I think she’s just excited about the sense of freedom and order she is experiencing by decluttering. Gently steer her toward other topics. Then send her to my house.

drpet49 · 03/05/2023 09:06

MollyRover · 02/05/2023 16:17

How much stuff does she buy that she's able to declutter daily?? That's her problem I'd say.

This! I’d be pointing this out to her the next she decided to bore you with her decluttering stories.

EatYourVegetables · 03/05/2023 09:15

She sounds unwell.

Charlize43 · 27/06/2023 21:16

I'd love to be able to declutter but find it so hard to part with my possessions.

I'd love to know how she does it? Is she selling her stuff? Does she just bin it? Take it to a Charity shop? Give it away?

Also does she buy a lot of stuff that she needs to be continually getting rid of it?

I've heard declutter fanatics say that life becomes so much easier and less stressful when you have less possessions - obviously cleaning is a lot quicker and straight forward as well.

Spanielsarepainless · 27/06/2023 21:30

Where does she accumulate all these things to declutter?

Beenawhilesinceacupoftea · 27/06/2023 21:37

I got a bit obsessed with decluttering once and for a while. I had small kids and it was a way I found to take control of the absolute chaos I had in my life. Also I had a very close family member suffering from a terminal illness and I was massively sleep deprived. I think I may have bored people with it. It helped me because I could put order in my environment and I wasn’t drowning in stuff any more. I still love doing it!

I think you could say something to her. If someone had told me I was boring them then I think I’d have shut up about it. Just be aware it’s serving a psychological purpose for her. It could be exercise or controlling her diet or prayer or something else.

FlyingPandas · 27/06/2023 21:41

It sounds as if she has become obsessed with decluttering in the same way that people become obsessed with exercise, or restricted eating, or religion, or similar. The constant talking about it is a definite red flag.

I would definitely be gently calling her on it (something along the lines of 'you talk about decluttering all the time and it's starting to sound really obsessive and unhealthy, are you sure you're okay because I'm a bit worried about your mental health') but only you know whether you'd feel confident broaching the topic with her like this OP.

100yellowroses · 27/06/2023 22:04

I’m not as bad as your friend but regularly declutter and have a semi stream lined house. I feel like I can’t relax if my house is muddled but this is my personal issue about my own house. I have friends, some of whom would considered hoarders. I love my friends houses. They are creative, academic, busy spaces and really interesting unlike my bland rooms

100yellowroses · 27/06/2023 22:05

Your friend sounds like she has ocd

FoxtrotOscarFoxtrotOscar · 27/06/2023 22:15

You could launch into epic monologues about consumerism, plastic, and so on, and the damage that buying all this stuff causes to the environment.
She has a shopping obsession by the sounds of it.

NavySalt · 27/06/2023 22:22

I could have your friend over. Drop her here one day. She will be delighted!

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