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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To make DH get a vasectomy the month after we have DC2?

37 replies

somewheratsea · 02/05/2023 15:07

As in the title really - wondering if anyone has been in similar situation and regretted it or wished they'd waited longer.

We currently have one DD who is nearly 2 - and am weeks away from popping out DC2 (a boy this time!)

I'm going to be turning 29 this year, and the thought of going back on contraception in any form honestly makes me shudder. I had a terrible time with various pills and quite frankly, don't really like condoms or the thought of the coil.

I feel like i've done my bit - and DH is on board to get a vasectomy. He's already been to the GP and they've offered him an appointment, but it will be only a month after I've had DC2.

My AIBU is - should we wait a bit longer? I feel like in my head i'm done having kids. One of each means we will never wonder 'what if we had a boy/girl' - I find pregnancy really hard on my mental health, and financially, emotionally and mentally - I feel like two is a good number of children for us and our situation.

A vasectomy happening ASAP would rule out any possibility of accidental pregnancy, would mean I could close this chapter and focus on my children and would also mean that DH would take the burden of contraception off my shoulders once and for all.

But then I have this flicker of doubt sometimes that as I'm not even 30 - maybe I might want another one, one day!?

OP posts:
LlynTegid · 02/05/2023 15:09

I would not term it as you have, you have discussed it and both of you agree. If you are both happy with two children, go for it.

Hope all goes well with the pregnancy and birth and your DS and DD both give you joy and love.

SaveMeFromForearms · 02/05/2023 15:12

If there's doubt, just wait a while.

We were very sure and I still cried like a baby when I realised that chapter of my life was over.

ilovesooty · 02/05/2023 15:12

You can't "make" him. It surely has to be discussed and he decides.

Original poster
somewheratsea · 02/05/2023 15:13

@ilovesooty It was poorly worded, DH is fully on board. He actually made all the appointments himself without any nudging from my side and is happy with 2.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 02/05/2023 15:13

I got my tubes tied at 27, one year after the birth of my second. Best thing I ever did.

ilovesooty · 02/05/2023 15:14

somewheratsea · 02/05/2023 15:13

@ilovesooty It was poorly worded, DH is fully on board. He actually made all the appointments himself without any nudging from my side and is happy with 2.

Fair enough.

DietCokeUser · 02/05/2023 15:14

You can't "make" him.

I wouldn't encourage any big decisions in the last few weeks of pregnancy or just after having had a baby. Let things settle a bit.

nutbrownhare15 · 02/05/2023 15:15

He's on board so YANBU. I assume you have both thought carefully about the scenarios that might test the decision, mainly death of a child or your death if DH was to meet someone new who wanted kids. The decision was easier for us as we are older and my DH had his when our second child was about 1 year old.

CharlieRight · 02/05/2023 15:16

Can’t he just pull it out quickly?

KimberleyClark · 02/05/2023 15:16

How old is he?

Original poster
somewheratsea · 02/05/2023 15:17

@KimberleyClark he's late 30's and has said he doesn't want children with anyone else in the future, even if we were to split up!

OP posts:
Littlebutload · 02/05/2023 15:18

My husband has recently done this, our baby was about 4 months. We were 100% sure though for lots of reasons, maybe if you have even a tiny doubt you should hold off at least until the baby is older? He's not got the all clear yet but I'm looking forward to not being worried about contraception or pregnancy!

Aquamarine1029 · 02/05/2023 15:19

I would definitely have him go ahead.

KimberleyClark · 02/05/2023 15:19

somewheratsea · 02/05/2023 15:17

@KimberleyClark he's late 30's and has said he doesn't want children with anyone else in the future, even if we were to split up!

Fair enough.

Favour237 · 02/05/2023 15:21

Same age as you, we were pretty sure after birth of DC2 but said we’d wait until 1 year just to make sure. He had the vasectomy the week after the year mark! Realistically if you’re sure now with all the post baby endorphins floating around; you’ll definitely be sure by the time they’re 1.

TMess · 02/05/2023 15:23

I felt like we might be done multiple times in my twenties and then about two years on would realize that I was no such thing. I’m 30 and having my fifth this year and once again we think we’re probably done, but will schedule DH’s appt for when the baby is about 18 months old just to be sure. 😅

WeWereInParis · 02/05/2023 15:24

maybe I might want another one, one day!?

To be fair, given that he's proactively made all the appointments etc it doesn't sound like he'd be on board with another child even if you did change your mind.

StaringAtTheWater · 02/05/2023 15:29

DH got a vasectomy soon after DC2 was born (within 4 months). We'd discussed it before the birth and both agreed that two children was enough for us. DC are 6 and 4 now and we've never had any regrets.

2PintsOfCidernaBagofCrisps · 02/05/2023 15:32

It's not a case of him popping to the GP and them doing it there and then. He needs to make the initial request and then go on the waiting list, which can be ages. So, he may as well get the ball rolling; it could be 6-18 months before it happens anyway!

AliasGrape · 02/05/2023 15:36

I know two couples where the man had a vasectomy reversal and they went on to have a child (in one case he'd had the vasectomy before they met after children with a previous partner, in another it was within the same relationship- thought they never wanted children then changed their minds).

I've no idea of cost, but I believe the procedure is at least 90% effective.

So if you did both decide to go ahead now, it's not necessarily as final as you might think. I'd do it - you both feel done, it will be a weight of your mind and relieve you of the contraceptive burden as you say, and it's the right decision for now. If a few years down the line you have a major change of heart (both of you) - well then there may be options.

Isthisexpected · 02/05/2023 15:42

I would wait because you don't know how you'll feel a few years down the line. But given your feelings towards contraception this maybe the most sensible time to do it!

Elmo230885 · 02/05/2023 15:47

My DH had a vasectomy when our second child was around 3 months old. We always said two was what we wanted. He said he was 100% done and even if we split he wouldn't want any more children. I was honest and said I couldn't be 100% sure I was done even though when thinking logically I was done.
I would never have forced him to have a child he didn't want.
Even though I know I'm done, I still have the option should I really need/want to have another child. That probably makes no sense to anyone but me!

Bedtimemode · 02/05/2023 15:58

It sounds like your dp is pretty sure he's done though, even if you aren't?

I wish mine was! He wants to wait a while, which I respect but I am definitely finished with babies

Original poster
somewheratsea · 02/05/2023 15:59

@Bedtimemode this is it - he is 100% done! I think he was done at one to be honest, but DC2 was a happy accident. I didn't really consider the point that a few people have made now that if he doesn't want anymore children then there's very little point me holding out on some random fantasy of maybe having one more - as he wouldn't be on board either way!

OP posts:
pontipinemum · 02/05/2023 16:01

It sounds like his mind is made up so probably no point in waiting.

Have ye discussed waiting for a bit?