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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think he’s being unreasonable?

27 replies

Equalitea · 02/05/2023 05:30

Sisters DH has been invited on a 5 day, 40th birthday celebration to Prague. Money is tight for them, a little bit of debt.

They have been together for 6 or 7 years and she has neither met or spoken to any of the guys invited to Prague, not even the birthday boy himself. Her DH also hasn’t seen any of the guys for the whole time they have been together but they have a WhatsApp/Facebook group and did used to be close before everyone started moving away for work etc.

Her husband has said that he’d rather go to Prague with these guys than go on a little holiday with her and the kids. Sister and her DH could all go away to Spain for about £2000, whereas it would cost £1500 for him alone to go to Prague and do the activities/drinking etc. They can’t afford both. My sister asked me if she was being selfish not wanting him to go and is really upset that she now might not be able to go away with the kids this year.

AIBU that I said to her that I think it’s quite selfish and disrespectful that he would put a lads holiday with guys he’s not seen for years and she has never met (and had no plans to) above going on holiday as a family?

Her DH thinks I’m being unreasonable saying I wouldn’t agree because my DH goes away with the lads. My sister shut the discussion down (basically gave me the look, as her DH has the habit of getting quite loud/shouty).

It’s true my DH does go away but 1) we can afford it, 2) it’s not instead of a family holiday, 3) my DH wouldn’t choose himself to go on holiday and the children not have one, 4) I know DHs friends.

My own DH says he understands both sides and so in true form is as non conflicting as ever!

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 02/05/2023 05:39

Her dh is a knob; he’s totally out of line. Is he usually like this? Don’t expect it’s isolated selfish behaviour

KeepingKeepingOn · 02/05/2023 05:44

Put it this way, I cannot imagine a world in which a mother would say she wants to blow £1500 of family money on a distant friend’s birthday, thereby removing the possibility of her kids having a holiday with her and DH.

Of course he’s being unreasonable and selfish 🤷‍♀️

CoozudBoyuPuak · 02/05/2023 05:46

Him going away with the lads solo is only ok if the household budget can also afford both for her to have an equivalent amount of time away child-free (eg perhaps a spa weekend with you, with him looking after the kids solo) and there is also some holiday time together as a family. The time together as a family doesn't have to be abroad, it could be a week in a caravan in the uk, but spending that much on a solo trip is incredibly selfish if it takes up three quarters of the whole household budget for holidays.

But I have no idea why so many women enter into relationships with selfish men who don't see women as equal partners. Why are such gifts consistently able to dupe women into their lives with so little understanding of the word "partnership"

Original poster
Equalitea · 02/05/2023 05:56

KeepingKeepingOn · 02/05/2023 05:44

Put it this way, I cannot imagine a world in which a mother would say she wants to blow £1500 of family money on a distant friend’s birthday, thereby removing the possibility of her kids having a holiday with her and DH.

Of course he’s being unreasonable and selfish 🤷‍♀️

Sorry I missed something out! A relative will be taking their children on holiday this year, so he is using this as justification that it’s ok if they don’t go as a family as the children will have had a holiday, just my sister won’t have. He did suggest that she book a spa day with whatever he had left from Prague, though. My sister wouldn’t do that, she’d spend it on activities for the kids over the summer, not herself.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 02/05/2023 06:03

He did suggest that she book a spa day with whatever he had left from Prague, though.

That's big of him.

He'd rather have memories with lads than his wife and kids. He's a twat.

Original poster
Equalitea · 02/05/2023 06:05

Shoxfordian · 02/05/2023 05:39

Her dh is a knob; he’s totally out of line. Is he usually like this? Don’t expect it’s isolated selfish behaviour

He can be quite selfish and entitled. He will sulk if things don’t go his own way.

He has children from his first marriage, a few years ago before they were married we went away as a large family, an elderly relative generously paid (he has not met her DHs children from first marriage). My sister suggested to her DH that he pay for his children from his previous marriage to come too, but he chose a race day with mates, for his own big birthday instead. 🤷‍♀️

OP posts:
Poppyblush · 02/05/2023 06:40

He’s such a catch … said no one ever.

PotKettel · 02/05/2023 06:41

yanbu. I’d say as a generous compromise the money gets split in half, and each adult gets to decide how to spend their half. So maybe her dh can afford 3 days in Prague and she can afford to take the kids somewhere without him, out of season. Maybe an overnight stay at Legolas’s.

Arginalia · 02/05/2023 06:46

He can't afford this holiday, end of story.

TeaKitten · 02/05/2023 06:47

Equalitea · 02/05/2023 05:56

Sorry I missed something out! A relative will be taking their children on holiday this year, so he is using this as justification that it’s ok if they don’t go as a family as the children will have had a holiday, just my sister won’t have. He did suggest that she book a spa day with whatever he had left from Prague, though. My sister wouldn’t do that, she’d spend it on activities for the kids over the summer, not herself.

Show quote history

Based on this bit I can see both sides too. Ultimately I think he’s in the wrong as they don’t have enough money for both and it’s presumably joint money but it’s clearly a one off if he doesn’t see his friends often at all.

I think it’s 100% irrelevant that your sister hasn’t met the friends, he’s allowed to have friends that she doesn’t no. It wouldn’t suit all
marriages but it’s not a reason to shut down a holiday because someone who isn’t invited doesn’t no the people.

Arginalia · 02/05/2023 06:47

Maybe an overnight stay at Legolas’s.

Ooh, sounds fun!😄

Original poster
Equalitea · 02/05/2023 06:54

TeaKitten · 02/05/2023 06:47

Based on this bit I can see both sides too. Ultimately I think he’s in the wrong as they don’t have enough money for both and it’s presumably joint money but it’s clearly a one off if he doesn’t see his friends often at all.

I think it’s 100% irrelevant that your sister hasn’t met the friends, he’s allowed to have friends that she doesn’t no. It wouldn’t suit all
marriages but it’s not a reason to shut down a holiday because someone who isn’t invited doesn’t no the people.

Show quote history

He sees friends most weeks. He goes to watch local/national football. Just doesn’t see these friends.

OP posts:
MichelleScarn · 02/05/2023 07:01

The children must be quite young too (under 5?) If they've only been together for 6 years? Or are they not all from this relationship?

TeaKitten · 02/05/2023 07:02

Equalitea · 02/05/2023 06:54

He sees friends most weeks. He goes to watch local/national football. Just doesn’t see these friends.

Show quote history

I wasn’t implying he didn’t see any friends. He isn’t disappearing off with these friends all the time though, it’s a one off for a special occasion.

OhmygodDont · 02/05/2023 07:05

If your trip means no family holiday then you’re an arse to take the trip.

it’s not an emergency flying back to sick relatives it’s getting pissed with mates vs holiday with your wife and children. The husbands an arse but your sister knew this before they married from comments. More fool her for marrying a selfish arse.

Original poster
Equalitea · 02/05/2023 07:07

MichelleScarn · 02/05/2023 07:01

The children must be quite young too (under 5?) If they've only been together for 6 years? Or are they not all from this relationship?

1 is from this relationship and 1 isn’t.

OP posts:
GoodChat · 02/05/2023 07:09

Do they all live in different countries etc? As a one off, I'd be happy for DP to go and see his friends he hasn't seen for a long time.

Is he expecting to pay for this out of family money, though, because I'd tell DP he could go if he could afford it without taking any money away from the family.

Original poster
Equalitea · 02/05/2023 07:10

TeaKitten · 02/05/2023 07:02

I wasn’t implying he didn’t see any friends. He isn’t disappearing off with these friends all the time though, it’s a one off for a special occasion.

Show quote history

Yes you’re right, he spends lots of 1 night away trips to watch football but aside from perhaps 2 occasions in 7 years he doesn’t usually do longer than a night away with the lads.

OP posts:
Original poster
Equalitea · 02/05/2023 07:11

GoodChat · 02/05/2023 07:09

Do they all live in different countries etc? As a one off, I'd be happy for DP to go and see his friends he hasn't seen for a long time.

Is he expecting to pay for this out of family money, though, because I'd tell DP he could go if he could afford it without taking any money away from the family.

They all live in the same country. Here. About an hour and a half drive away from each other. I think one of them used to live in Prague though.

OP posts:
PoppyFleur · 02/05/2023 07:14

From the example you have given it’s clear your BIL has form for prioritising his needs over his children. It’s clear to see why he got divorced the first time.

So yes, he is being selfish but he has been before and is unlikely to change.

I hope your sister has retained her job, financial independence and friendships. Sadly, I think she may need all of these in the future.

GoodChat · 02/05/2023 07:20

Oh he can piss off then @Equalitea. Can't they just have a £200 weekend in Liverpool?

BanditsOnTheHorizon · 02/05/2023 07:20

He sounds like a selfish knob.

Who on Earth takes the family holiday money and spends it on themselves

SinnerBoy · 02/05/2023 07:24

He's definitely selfish and unreasonable. He's prioritised himself ahead of his family, at a time when they will struggle to afford it. He's immature.

You can tell him I said that.

Original poster
Equalitea · 02/05/2023 07:26

GoodChat · 02/05/2023 07:20

Oh he can piss off then @Equalitea. Can't they just have a £200 weekend in Liverpool?

I said to her surely if they were such good friends of his that he’d have been to see them in the last 7 years, vice versa or they’d have met up as they’re only an hour and a half away from each other at most 🤷‍♀️

I know someone said that it’s ok to have friends that your OH doesn’t know, maybe because I’ve been with my DH for considerably longer but I can’t imagine having never met these friends he wanted to holiday with after 7 years!

OP posts:
itsgettingweird · 02/05/2023 07:31

Imo family holiday comes before solo holiday if you can't afford both.

Income is family money. Family expenses first. Make sure bills are paid, children have what they need, then any extras for family events/days out and then anything over that available is to be negotiated as you want it's spent on.

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