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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To send my son to school without a phone

26 replies

sandybeaches74 · 01/05/2023 21:30

My DS is in Yr 7 and we live in a village so he goes to school and comes home on a school bus. Today I have found several things on his phone which I am not happy about, photos and videos that he is taking during school and also messages between him and girls which I would consider to be a massive distraction and also have the potential to cause issues. Just silly things about how much he likes the girls, or how much they like him and lots of 'how many out of 10' type conversations - but lots of it. It's left me feeling a bit uncomfortable and also like he cannot be focusing at school with all that going on.

Given he travels to school on a bus, would I be unreasonable to take his phone off him? Has anyone been in a similar situation?

OP posts:

airey · 01/05/2023 21:36

Can you get him a brick phone that he texts, calls and nothing else?

also can the school hold kids phones for the day then give them back in the evening?

call me naive but surely ALL the children are distracted by their phones throughout the school day if they have access to them, not just your son?

I have two little kids at the moment so this stuff is a few years away for me yet, but sometimes I despair when I read about modern parenting and our failure to protect children from technology that will harm them and disrupt their studies.

Here’s hoping an experienced parent or teacher joins the thread to show us the way…

HarrietSchulenberg · 01/05/2023 21:39

School will not hold your child's phone during the day unless it's been confiscated. They do not want to be responsible for it.
Yes, it's fine to send him without a phone, or send him with a brick phone. Be aware that other kids might make snarky comments, though.

DucksNewburyport · 01/05/2023 21:42

So are the messages taking place while he is in lessons? If so then I'd consider speaking to his teacher. Or are they during break time or after school?

Original poster

sandybeaches74 · 01/05/2023 21:43

I'm thinking about doing exactly that. It will be much to his disappointment but honestly, the conversations I've been reading tonight, I just don't remember having them in the same way at school. And I'd say I was pretty outgoing, not one of the quiet ones.

He's taken videos in the classroom, just of silly things but he still has his phone out and is meddling around with it.

I'm quite a strict parent and I gave him rules but they are very hard to police when he has it during the day and I don't see what he's up to.

On the flip side I would hate to think of him unable to contact me if he'd missed the bus home. But then I used to cope when I was his age, and we had to walk 3 miles.

Interested in other views.

OP posts:

AtlasSix · 01/05/2023 21:44

We got DC1 (Year 7) a basic dumb phone to take in his bag when he started secondary school. He also goes to and from school on a school bus.

It does phone calls and texts so he can contact us if there’s any issues with the school bus, but it’s basic enough to hopefully not be very tempting while he’s in school.

tourdefrance · 01/05/2023 21:47

What are the school rules about phones? DS's school is 'switched off, in bag' in school day.
You could add an app like Quostodio that blocks it during certain times, but a savvy teen can probably get around it.
DS doesn't take his, but walks to school.

Stripycatz · 01/05/2023 21:47

Yanbu.

Elisheva · 01/05/2023 21:53

The problem is that taking away the phone will not teach him how to use it sensibly and appropriately.
Which nanny programmes are you using to monitor what he does? You could lock the phone down and reduce the features he can use and then release them once he’s shown he can be more responsible.

kitsuneghost · 01/05/2023 21:56

I am sure he will manage to get on and off a school bus without a phone.

Xiaoxiong · 01/05/2023 21:56

Just got my end Y6 DS a Nokia 100, on a £4 a month no-data SIM card from ASDA mobile which was the cheapest I could find. Boring and basic, but does the job and the battery lasts weeks. And no social media!

Original poster

sandybeaches74 · 01/05/2023 22:12

@kitsuneghost yes I realise that, it's just if he misses the bus, which he has done a couple of times since starting

OP posts:

Somanycats · 01/05/2023 22:15

Why would your son not buy himself a phone at the first opportunity if you do this? I guarantee you he could buy a cheap one at school if he has the will before the first day is out.

PollyPut · 01/05/2023 22:16

@sandybeaches74 you need to nip this is the bud, and quickly. Back to a brick phone, straight away.

Remove the phone as he's had it out in class which I am sure can't be allowed.

Girliefriendlikespuppies · 01/05/2023 22:24

I took dds phone off her at the same age for a month. I reminded her that at her age I walked to and from school without a phone and they're not needed.

If I had my time again dd wouldn't even get a phone until she was 13/14.

Beachhutnut · 01/05/2023 22:24

I though schools make kids hand in phones at the start of the day and they get them back at hometime? That's what happens around here.....

Guiltridden12345 · 01/05/2023 22:32

Instead of removing it, which will cause resentment, why don’t you set some clear boundaries? No phones in lessons, for example. You can clearly check to make sure he’s adhering. Add a screen time function (my two get two hours then everything bar phone functions stop). And discuss any issues that arise from a phone check - ie the girls stuff - and use it to help educate him on appropriate behaviour (if his is not, and it’s not clear from your post that it’s not, the ‘what would you give me out of 10’ type stuff has been around eons, it’s just that now we see it written down). I detest my kids having phones but they are part of modern life sadly so I limit their time on it, check them regularly and try to help them navigate this strange new online world. Be grateful he’s not using Snapchat - it all disappears without trace leaving nothing to monitor at all.

Guiltridden12345 · 01/05/2023 22:35

You could also use downtime function to keep it off til 3pm. But I’d try negotiation first. Domination rarely works with teens and I’m the least permissive parent there is. Try to get him on board, or at least sticking to the basic rules for fear of losing the privilege completely.

TwoPointFourCatsAndDogs · 01/05/2023 22:59

On iPhones you can restrict screen time. You could restrict during school hours only from eg. 08:50 to 15:15. Surely Android has something similar.

mumofthree22 · 02/05/2023 10:07

At my DD school as soon as they are in registration everyone's phone gets placed in a locked box that the form teacher keeps till end of the school day when she hands them back out. Works a treat. Its a school wide policy until Year 10.

PaltnSepper · 02/05/2023 10:28

Also for those saying that we used to walk to school with no phones etc and we coped, remember that there are almost no pay-phones these days. So it does make it harder to contact parents if something goes wrong.

I'm in the camp of teaching him to use it appropriately. Everyone else will have one, and he does need to learn to use it properly and allowed to be social as well, because that is part of modern life. Screen time apps, monitoring, etc are all better than just removing the temptation totally, at least for the first offences.

Sprinkles211 · 02/05/2023 10:58

Why punish him for acting like a totally normal teen? And potentially leave him in a dangerous or at least frightening situation like you said he's missed the bus a couple of times before? Having Frank open conversations is a much better way to go no matter how uncomfortable they may feel to you, your not protecting your child, you should be giving them informed choices and then even if they make the wrong one its a learning curve and a very normal one to have but your at least aware and can support them rather than it all being in secret

ohtowinthelottery · 02/05/2023 11:22

My DS went to school by bus which dropped him very close to home. However, I can recall at least 2 occasions where I had to go and bail him out. On one occasion there'd been a RTA in the small town where his school was. The roads became gridlocked very quickly. The bus was diverted down a narrow road it should never have been sent down and got stuck - literally. The driver threw everyone off and told them to make their own way home. DS was able to walk across town so I could get to him and collect him.
Another time the bus got stuck in the village on the way to school as some idiot parked opposite another car without leaving enough room for a bus to get through. The bus driver banged on doors but couldn't find the car drivers. DS got off the bus and rang me to get a lift as he didn't want to be late for school (ASD so would have unsettled him for the rest of the day).
So based on my experiences I wouldn't assume nothing can go wrong on a school bus. At least give him a dumb phone.

The rule in DS's school was that phones had to remain in bags all day. If you were caught with it out it was confiscated and had to be collected from reception at the end of the school day.

Bimbom · 02/05/2023 11:27

I have a y7 who gets the bus to school so I wouldn't remove her phone - she can track her bus if it's late, keep in contact with me etc.

However if she were messing around on her phone during school I would just put it on downtime during the day. Easy solution

Bimbom · 02/05/2023 11:28

But tbh I'd be more annoyed about him scoring girls out of 10 than I would about when he was actually doing that. You need to nip that in the bud right away.

SparklyBlackKitten · 02/05/2023 11:30

Give him a brick phone
Or a watch that has built in text/calls only.
But texting girls and innocently made videos is not what you should be worried about. Platforms like YouTube and tik tok are riddled with creepy and violent shit.
And access to google at that age...
Yes yes times are different. But there are certain things kids are simply not ready for. Or never will be (live streams on tik tok from people commiting crimes or suicide etc)

Otherwise y the solution is to give him 1.5hr to 2 hr access to his phone during the day realistic. There is ways to facilitate that on iPhones.
Or when he gets bad grades,less phone times etc. Acts and consequences etc

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