About DSC’s behaviour?

[GripeSteam]

Background is that I’m married to their Mum. We’ve been together for 6 years, married for 4. I wasn’t any part of the parent’s relationship breakdown. This happened years before me.

DSC is 14 and is a typical teenager in many ways - moody, snarky etc.

The issue I have is the way they speak to their Mum, my wife. To give a couple of examples, it’s fairly usual (daily or every other day) that she’s called a stupid bitch/cow, told to kill herself, told they hope she dies of cancer/in a car crash/. She’s told to go fuck herself, that she’s a fat, stupid bitch. Hopefully you get the gist.

I have a real issue with this. My wife and I have a baby together and first and foremost, I hate them being around this kind of behaviour. It’s the last thing I want for them. We’ve tried explaining how easily a baby picks up on language/behaviour but of course that makes no difference.

Secondly, I’m so angry that she is spoken to like this in her own home. She seems to accept it and never really enforces punishment, which drives me mad. My protective instinct is strong and it’s hard having to bite my tongue.

The child’s Dad was abusive (he hasn’t seen the child since they were a young baby), and it seems like history is about to repeat itself.

Am I being oversensitive? Is this typical teenage behaviour? Should I just butt out and let her deal with it (or not) however she wants?

Difficult because he’s her son not yours but you’re right to be upset that not normal behaviour. Have you spoken to her about dealing with it better? If it seen to be you enforcing stuff it probably won’t help it needs to come from her. Not normal and a horrible atmosphere to live in.

I have, but it tends to lead to conflict with us (which I think my DSC is happy with as it takes any heat off them) so I keep quiet now.

I cannot understand a world where a kid gets to act like that then pick up the phone the “stupid cow” pays for, turn on the PS5 the “bitch” bought them…

Does your wife realise she is being abused by her own DS?

The DS needs help as they're obviously struggling and acting out. But your wife also needs support/therapy to realise that by accepting this from their DS and not getting therapy, they are continuing the cycle of abuse.

Does this happen at school too?

I’ve said that RE abuse. Tried to remind her that it’s not always a big man abusing a small woman he’s married to; that it can take all sorts of forms, but she dismisses it. I think she doesn’t want to accept it, doesn’t want to face the idea that this is the situation she’s in.

School is hit and miss. Certainly nothing like what it is at home. DSC doesn’t have the guts to act that way at school as they’d get a smack from someone, no doubt.

nothing to do with you. not your place to interfere. my step father seemed to think he had a right to comment, intervene, and it made me and my siblings lives hell. you do not understand the actual emotions and dynamics between a mother and her children.
it is also being awful to compare a child to their abusive parent - the child was a victim too. stay out of it

Have you asked her how she feels being spoken to like that? Does it bother her at all?

Take a look at respect they have programs for young people who have abusive tendencies, it needs tackling now before it reoccurs in a relationship with a partner when he's older.

However, it's also his home not just your wife's, and be a little kinder and understanding he's probably seen a lot and hasn't help to tackle it.

https://www.respect.uk.net/pages/116-information-for-parents

It's called APVA (Adolescent to Parent Violence and Abuse) or CAPVA (Child and Adolescent to Parent Violence and Abuse).

There's quite a bit if you Google. Respect has a section on it and there was a report about it 2 years ago.
https://www.respect.uk.net/pages/44-work-with-young-people-s-violence-and-abuse

https://domesticabusecommissioner.uk/wp-content/uploads/2021/11/CAPVA-Rapid-Literature-Review-Full-November-2021-Baker-and-Bonnick.pdf#:~:text=This%20rapid%20literature%20review1on%20child%20and%20adolescent%20to,intervention%2C%20and%20the%20gaps%20in%20the%20evidence%20base

I’m hardly making anyone’s life hell, and I have a baby at the centre of this, so of course I have an interest.

Also, you assumed I’m male and don’t understand the mother/child dynamics. Wrong.

How is this nasty teen a ‘victim’? He’s abusing his mother. If he’s doing this to her then he’ll continue to think women deserve to be treated horrifically and he will abuse his future girlfriends. The step son hasn’t seen his dad since he was a baby so highly unlikely that he has witnessed the abusive behaviours of his dad. OP’s and his wife’s baby, however, will witness how their older brother abuses their mother. That’s horrific and no wonder OP wants to figure out how to stop his step son from being like this.

However, I doubt anyone knows what this teen is searching online and who he is talking to. He could be part of toxic online communities that are fuelling his hatred of women. OP, is therapy an option for your step son?

Yeah, she tolerates it for the most part but has days where she feels terrible because of it. Questions what she did to deserve this sort of treatment and so on. I think sometimes she isn’t too bothered but other times it really strikes a nerve.

It is absolutely his place to step in if his child is in an abusive environment. This teen is abusive. Maybe behaviour like this is normal in your home and with your children but many wouldn't tolerate this.

Not normal teen behaviour, but very difficult to deal with as a step parent. I think you need to find a way to get through to your wife that it's not OK, it doesn't help your DSC to allow it, and it will be damaging for the baby.

Whatever you do, don't let it become a conflict between you and DDC, as your wife will probably take her child's side

She needs to tell them that then.

I'm so sorry. This sounds absolutely awful for your wife, and for you and the baby.

Your DSC is obviously processing some big things and along with a heady mix of hormones is lashing out unacceptably.

I'd aid her to engage with the school, and perhaps call social services or TAF/ MASH team for some support. DSC may need some therapy outside of the home to help end this cycle of abuse.

Did your dsc know his/her mom was gay before she met you? It might be difficult that during the ages of 8-14 there was so much change, a new partner, moving in, marriage and a baby. Does all your dw's family accept her sexuality? It doesn't excuse the behaviour but to me age 14 it doesn't sound normal. Has anything been done to address this? Has he or she had any support?

Just to be clear - no this is not normal at all.
It’s normal to kick back at parents, it’s normal for them to say stuff like ‘I hate you’ and ‘you’re ruining my life’ even the minor cusses such as bitch are horrible but within normal teenage behaviours but it’s not normal for a teen to repeatedly wish their mother dead. It sounds like this is a deeply disturbed child and if I were you I would be very concerned about having your child in the the same house as this vile individual.

I think I would be giving your wife an ultimatum, either she starts dealing with him instead of continuing to make the excuses she is currently doing or you will be leaving and taking your baby with you.

Seriously!! ?!
How does this have nothing to do with a person living in the house, married to the lady being abused and trying to bring up a small child watching this behavior.

this teenager’s behavior is not normal, is abusive, disrespectful and dangerous. It will have consequences on the mother stepfather and younger sibling. Yet you think it has nothing to do with him as he’s not the biological father.
The kid needs serious counseling and behavior management support and of course the family unit needs to part of it. Just because you’re married to this kid’s mother and are not the father it absolutely does not mean anyone should every have to stand by ignore abuse not interfere and allow their own child to live in a toxic environment.
dreadful comment

Why all the 'them' and 'they'? It's quite confusing.

LBFseBrom

I would assume it’s either because the child identities as non-binary or because the OP didn’t want to state the sex of the child.
it’s interesting that the vast majority of posters have assumed it’s a boy when that is not stated….

dsc is a 'victim' as as OP mentioned, their wife's ex husband (father of said child) was abusive and not in the Childs life. you can't pick and choose.
I stand by what I said it is not the step parents business or place to step in. your wife knows her child and if she needs guidance shed have asked the questions herself.
I am not saying Childs behaviour is acceptable by any means, but it should be dealt with by their actual parent.

didn't assume you're male. I said that you dont understand, as you are not the mother, or the child.

I think that’s fine if someone has children and the stepparent is just that. The complication here is that I also have a biological child who lives in this house and is exposed to that.

No chance you’re telling me that it’s not my place when it also involves my child.

Thank you for your insight. You’ve brought up some really good points. I agree that it is a lot - new partner, marriage, baby…I wonder if you’re on to something here.

Have you asked her how she would like you to handle it? Whether she wants some backup in handling it.
I had a similar ish situation happen a few years ago but with a friend and her son not my partner. I had stayed quiet on a couple of occasions but it was getting to me and I was worried about it. So I had a chat with her and I did on a couple of occasions let him know it was absolutely not acceptable to speak to anyone in the way he was talking to his mum. In fact I really quite laid into him about it on the second occasion. He was still a stroppy teen but he recognises he went too far and did apologise for his behaviour.