About DSC’s behaviour?

[GripeSteam]

Background is that I’m married to their Mum. We’ve been together for 6 years, married for 4. I wasn’t any part of the parent’s relationship breakdown. This happened years before me.

DSC is 14 and is a typical teenager in many ways - moody, snarky etc.

The issue I have is the way they speak to their Mum, my wife. To give a couple of examples, it’s fairly usual (daily or every other day) that she’s called a stupid bitch/cow, told to kill herself, told they hope she dies of cancer/in a car crash/. She’s told to go fuck herself, that she’s a fat, stupid bitch. Hopefully you get the gist.

I have a real issue with this. My wife and I have a baby together and first and foremost, I hate them being around this kind of behaviour. It’s the last thing I want for them. We’ve tried explaining how easily a baby picks up on language/behaviour but of course that makes no difference.

Secondly, I’m so angry that she is spoken to like this in her own home. She seems to accept it and never really enforces punishment, which drives me mad. My protective instinct is strong and it’s hard having to bite my tongue.

The child’s Dad was abusive (he hasn’t seen the child since they were a young baby), and it seems like history is about to repeat itself.

Am I being oversensitive? Is this typical teenage behaviour? Should I just butt out and let her deal with it (or not) however she wants?

I agree this behaviour needs to be addressed - perhaps both building up your wife’s confidence to not accept this language, and working with your DSC to lay some house rules around language?

While I do not condone his behaviour, it might help to consider possible root causes. Could he be lashing out due to emotional insecurities or some other life problem?

Could he be struggling to adjust to his new baby half-sibling as a hormonal 14 year old boy? Try observing interactions: is he getting less attention now baby is here? Is all going ok at school and with friends?

If simple house rules don’t work might he agree to counselling (private or via school?).

I’d also suggest you read the book ‘how to talk so teens will listen’ to give you language and strategies for communication, and ‘raising boys’ has a good chapter on teens and helping them navigate the tricky path to adulthood.

There may be other books with different teen parenting approaches - look up some and find one that works for you.

Good luck - doing the difficult work now will help him as much as your whole family in the long run.

OP

People are saying that as step parent it's not your place to say anything. I disagree, but I think it's true that it's likely to be counterproductive.
Can you talk to someone in your DWs family, lay it all on the table in detail, warts and all. E g grandparents, uncle, aunt - even if they don't get on with you , they should care , as the baby will be affected.

Separately, can you contact DSC's school to see if there can be any support offered there.

Note that in both cases both DSC and even DW may get blind with rage at you for airing out the dirty laundry.
However child / teenager on parent abuse thrives on secrecy - and bringing it to air may just start the process of bringing an end to it.

Its absolutely a step parent's business when their partner is being spoken to like shit and their own children are witnessing it!
It's the step parent's home too and they shouldn't have to tolerate an abusive toxic atmosphere.

I think that sometimes people get so used to being treated badly that they stop hearing and noticing just how bad it is. Your wife has become accustomed to the nastiness and stopped 'hearing' it!
But she must put a stop to it for everyone's sake. I'd want her to get some professional support in dealing with how she feels but I'd also want some house rules and consequences for abusive language. I'd have that phone and PlayStation off dsc for a start.

Maybe you and your wife could do a parenting course together in a style you both agree on. Then you would both be on the same hymn page and have better skills at listening and dealing with the unpleasant behaviour.
It will also benefit the new child.

How on earth has this only just occured to you? It's a huge amount for a teen to deal with! A new step parent, a new baby (which you need to understand might be incredibly annoying to the teen) and their mother's same sex relationship which might even have caused them to be on the receiving end of playground jibes. I bet this teen feels well and truly displaced. Not jealous of the new baby but completely out of place in their own home. Of course their behaviour is unacceptable but there is a reason behind all actions.

If this really has only just dawned on you, it indicates you've been too wrapped up in each other and having a baby to notice that the existing child is struggling.

There is nothing normal about his behaviour.

Or in his mother's acceptance of it.

Everyone has ups and downs with their parents whilst growing up. But telling your mum, I hope you die of cancer and all the other crap he's thrown at her is not on. I hope he doesn't live to regret the cancer jibe when he's older.

This is an issue with your wife not DSC. She needs to handle this better not allow her child to insult her then argue with you about it.

Its too late now but frankly I would not have another child with a women who has such relationship with her children and is unable to handle it. It will have impacts on your child life even if you try to shield the child.

This is a ridiculous statement, he’s it impacts him to watch his wife being insulted and abused. are you really serious?

So your advice is when DSC says fat birch I hate you, OP should go it’s not my business and watch tv? That makes sense to you?

Where in OPs posts does it show OPs wife is clear her child doesn’t need guidance? You really read all that and concluded that she has it under control?

It would be negligent and completely irresponsible for them to allow the teen to keep behaving like this around the baby. Whether he has experienced trauma in his childhood or not, he shouldn’t be abusive towards his mother. Trauma doesn’t excuse shitty behaviour. And his stepdad does have a place here- he can’t stand by and allow his wife to be abused and his child to be exposed to that.

It's everything to do with OP!

People aren't reading the OP s update etc. She s a woman in a same sex marriage.
Nowhere does it say the teen is a boy.

But it's totally unacceptable for any child to wish their mother dead in a car crash or to get cancer. That's vile and needs addressing.

Yes teenagers can be horrible but that's not normal so OP can surely say something.

I get that the teen is displaced by a new baby and maybe emotionally battered by a lot of changes in a short space of time but they need counselling and the family needs therapy to work it through.

I wouldn’t have my child growing up in a house like that. I would find all the services around that can offer support and counseling available and suggest your wife contacts them. Unfortunately you may have to move with your child if it gets worse.

What a nasty post. OP sounds extremely respectful and is simply trying to help his family including the step child. You cannot remotely equate your unfortunate experience to this situation.

Perfectly said! I could not agree more

Perfectly said by diagnalley96 sorry I'm only just learning how to quote.

Surliness is normal in teens but this goes beyond. Have they ever had counselling? As a parent I'd be doing two things, one looking at putting support in place for the child as they are clearly struggling. Two sitting down with child and saying that thus behaviour is unacceptable and will no longer be accepted. Everytime it happened I'd remove phone for an hour. Long enough to be annoying but not so long to create a bigger kick off. And I'd keep doing it. But it does have to come from wife.

So the abuse should go unchallenged?
Will the future wife just have to suck it up too?

By not telling the child it’s wrong you are inadvertently telling them such behaviour is acceptable- it isn’t.

Odd that some posters are adamant it isn’t the OP business when her baby is a victim of domestic violence due to the actions of the babies older sibling. Personally I wouldn’t remain in a relationship if I discovered my partners child was acting in this and my partner wasn’t being proactive to improve behaviour etc. If I had a child with them I would be doing everything in my power to remove them from an abusive home.

If OPs partner was a father and not a
mother then those posters would've had something very different to say.

I’m another person who raises an eyebrow at all the “them/they” and not revealing what sex anyone is. Add in a remarriage and new half sibling and I’m not surprised the child is acting out.

Some family therapy for all of you I think is badly needed.