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AIBU?

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Original poster

Upset about partner view on marriage

37 replies

Liewe · 01/05/2023 19:30

I had been married for 30 years. I had married at 23 and I am now 53. It took all my inner strength to end my abusive marriage with the help of counseling and my GP.
I met my present partner 5 months ago. He is gorgeous, manly and most importantly kind and considerate to me. He told me he loved me after 3 months and soon after I said the same. I am hopelessly in love with him and I still cannot believe that we have come into each others lives.
Two weeks ago in bed I asked him if he would like to marry me. He answered that he did not know as we have only been together 5 months. My sadness is that we are both 53, he says he adores me and that I am beautiful and kindhearted.
He has only been in longterm relationships and never married. He phones and texts me often and that is why I was taken aback. Even with my bad marriage it is important to me.
I know I am being unreasonable but I just cant help how I feel

OP posts:
Newtry · 01/05/2023 19:32

It's only been 5 months. I understand you haven't had many relationships due to your long marriage but you are massively jumping the gun.

If marriage early on in a relationship is important to you, then this isn't the one for you. Personally, I'd look at why you want someone to want to marry you when you've only known each other for such a short amount of time.

Take a step back, enjoy your new relationship and see where things go. Good luck

Bintymcbintface · 01/05/2023 19:32

I don't think he was rejecting marriage as such, he wasn't wrong in saying that thinking about marriage after 5 months really is quite fast. Enjoy the present and your relationship for what it is, marriage isn't the be all and end all, he loves you and you love him that's all that matters

ComeTheFuckOnBridgett · 01/05/2023 19:32

He might want to one day but after 5 months, a lot of people wouldn't know. It's still early.

MatildaTheCat · 01/05/2023 19:33

You are very lucky to have found a sensible man. How could anyone answer this question when they are still learning the absolute basics of who you are?

Of course it’s fabulous to find love but thinking about marriage at this stage would be madness. I think you probably know this really.

Enjoy the relationship as it is.

lap90 · 01/05/2023 19:33

It's been 5 months...

TwilightSkies · 01/05/2023 19:34

Have you ever been single?
Are you wanting to cling to this man because you are scared of being on your own?

Hankunamatata · 01/05/2023 19:36

Ita only been 5 months, his answer is perfectly fine. Why would you want to jump straight into another marriage with someone your hardly know

Sissynova · 01/05/2023 19:37

He phones and texts me often and that is why I was taken aback.

Thats not at all a reason for either of you to jump into marriage after 5 months.

Oysterbabe · 01/05/2023 19:37

It's been 5 months!! I've got condiments in the fridge older than that. You need to relax a bit.

Iwrote · 01/05/2023 19:40

I imagine you'd find yourself single if you pushed this agenda. 5 months is nothing. Why would someone want to risk their finances etc after a tomato season!?

blahblahblah1654 · 01/05/2023 19:44

5 months! Way too early. He seems really keen and has told you he loves you. Surely there's no rush.

LadyMary50 · 01/05/2023 19:55

When I met by now DH,he asked me to marry him after being together a year.I said no as I had been single for 13yrs after my divorce and I didn’t want to rush into a marriage that might not last.I moved in with him after 2yrs but still kept my own flat.After 3yrs and getting to know each other’s peculiarities I finally said yes and we have been happily married for 15yrs.My advise,don’t rush the relationship and just enjoy getting to know each other…

Oopsiedaisyy · 01/05/2023 19:59

Why are you desperate to get married again?

Rumplestrumpet · 01/05/2023 19:59

OP, doing the maths : if you were married for 30 years from 23-53, and are still 53 but have been with your new partner 5 months, then you can't have been single for very long.

Take a breath. Have you had counselling since leaving your abusive marriage? Spend some time thinking about why you're rushing into marriage again. If your partner is great then enjoy this time without pressure.

isthewashingdryyet · 01/05/2023 20:01

The legal reasons for marrying are also very different when you are not going to have kids together.
You havnt said, but if he has children or indeed if you do, then inheritance becomes very complicated and you risk disinheriting the deceased persons children.
And five months is too soon at any age to be even talking about this.

you need to wait at least another two years to raise this again, and think very carefully about the practical aspects of the whole thing

rwalker · 01/05/2023 20:01

20 weeks in and your on about marriage think you need to slow down personally I’d be running for the hills

IAteAllTheTomatoes · 01/05/2023 20:02

I'm sorry but you are being ridiculous.

It's 5 months.

It's nowhere near long enough to really know each other. You had a horrible marriage & the fact you want to jump fully back in such a hurry is frightening. Are you afraid to be alone or something?

Slow it down & enjoy it for what it is.

At least he has the sense not to rush in. You are very vulnerable and at rusk of being taken advantage of if you don't start applying more logic.

Original poster
Liewe · 01/05/2023 20:02

Thank you for your comments. Yes I think I am just very insecure about myself and I must not worry too much and enjoy our relationship without too much pressure.

OP posts:
TokenGinger · 01/05/2023 20:05

I'd be concerned if he did want marriage 5 months in. In fact, in his shoes, I'd be concerned that you do. It sounds like he's a rebound and I'd be worried I was being lovebombed.

Marriage obviously is not the key to success in a relationship, as your past relationship sadly shown you (I'm sorry for that). It sounds like he's doing everything you should want/need. Just enjoy it.

Mum2jenny · 01/05/2023 20:06

I am currently very happily married and if anything ever happened to my dh, there’s not a cat in hells chance I’d ever get married again, ever.
OP just enjoy your life in the just now. Let the future sort itself out.

Dinosauratemydaffodils · 01/05/2023 20:08

My now dh asked me to marry him the first night we slept together. It was very nearly the end of what had been until that point a promising relationship. It took me just shy of two decades to agree to marry him and even then it was mostly because it was my dad's dying wish. From my perspective 5 months seems far too early to be talking about marriage. It just isn't important to everyone and given he's had long term relationships but no marriage, it's possible it isn't to him.

wingingit1987 · 01/05/2023 20:09

I think he sounds incredibly sensible and I would tread carefully with expressing your upset to him as this could be a huge red flag for him.

Original poster
Liewe · 01/05/2023 20:12

Thank you for all your comments. Yes I think I am just very insecure about myself and I must not worry too much and enjoy our relationship without too much pressure.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 01/05/2023 20:18

The chances that you have processed everything from your marriage are zero, nil, nada. It's been a nanosecond and he sounds very sensible.

Have you seen a counsellor, done the Freedom Program, taken a breath?

Backtothegym · 01/05/2023 20:23

Goodness me, you basically proposed to him after only five months. Blimey op, you need to calm down. It’s been five months. Give it a couple of years and have the conversation again.

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